The 2015 Fall TV Schedule (Not Really, But Maybe)

MONDAY

8-9

ABC - Wiping Servers With the Stars
CBS - I'm Assuming Leonard and Penny Will Have a Star Trek-Themed Wedding Because, In Case You Didn't Know, He's Kind of a Nerd and Nerds Like Star Trek; Take Sitcom, Add Family, Chop Into Bits, Lasts Three Episodes
NBC - This Season the Only Song Contestants Are Allowed to Sing Is "MacArthur Park"
FOX - Because Fanboys Need More Excuses to Stay Home #749
CW - Pretty Singing Psychopaths Are Much More Acceptable Than Ordinary-Looking Ones
PBS - I Have Some Original Drawings By Jackson Pollock From When He Took Over Beetle Bailey For a Few Weeks in 1953
USA - It's Kind of Comforting to Know That People Still Watch Professional Wrestling
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

9 - 10

CBS - Delete, Please
FOX - Insert Your Own "Will They Predict Their Own Cancellation?" Joke Here
CW - Sin Rostro Returns? Ay De Mi!
ABC Family - The Tragic Thing Isn't April's Leukemia So Much As Her Trying to Have a Career At a Newspaper
Bravo - The Real Housewives of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

10 - 11

ABC - Someday I'm Going to Have to Watch This
CBS - NCIS: T.J. Maxx
NBC - It's Like Memento Crossed With Something That's Not as Good as Memento
Bravo - Wealthy British Women Are Just as Awesomely Fucking Horrible As Wealthy American Women? Good to Know!
Investigation Discovery - Chris Hansen Needs Some Cocoa and a Nice Warm Blanket
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

TUESDAY

8-9

ABC - I'd Watch a Debate Between Animal and Sam the Eagle; Asian-American Families Are Just As Boring As White Ones
CBS - NCIS: Brobdingnag
NBC - Okay, They Can Also Sing "Billy Don't Be a Hero"
FOX - I Hope John Stamos Saved His Money from Those Yogurt Commercials; You'd Think William Devane Has Enough Gold to Avoid Having to Make Shit Like This
CW - Because Fanboys Need More Excuses to Stay Home #1320
AMC - In Lieu Of The Shawshank Redemption, We're Showing The Green Mile **
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

9 - 10

ABC - Manicurists of S.H.I.E.L.D.
CBS - NCIS: Puddleby-on-the-Marsh
FOX - Jamie Lee Curtis Is Still Hotter Than Anyone Else On This Show
CW - O, You Fascinating Zombies and Your Tumultuous Lives!
El Rey Network - When Does Machete Get His Own Series?
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

10 - 11

ABC - When Sharks Jump the Shark
CBS - TV's Capacity For Unoriginality Is, Indeed, Limitless
NBC - Neil Patrick Harris Officially Wears Out His Welcome
FX - What Game of Thrones Continues to Inflict Upon Us
Syfy - People With Way More Money Than You
TNT - Can SAG Authorities Be Alerted About Edward Burns Passing Himself Off As an Actor For Twenty Years?
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

WEDNESDAY

8-9

ABC - Family Sitcom Now Safely In Syndication #5338; Riding In the Wake of Family Sitcom Now In Syndication #5338 Until It Also Gets Syndicated
CBS - Survivor: Tommy's Holiday Camp
NBC - The Mystery Is How This Got Renewed
FOX - Wait, Wait, Wait--A Pathologist Who Fights Crime? It's a Dream Come True!
CW - Because Fanboys Need More Excuses to Stay Home #122687
DIY Network - You Know, All the Shows On This Network With "Rehab" In the Title Are a Bit Misleading
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

9 - 10

ABC - Yay! Another Season of Emmy-Sanctified Stereotypes!; Waiting for the Episode Where Pops Swallows a Red Pill and Learns He's Morpheus
CBS - We've Turned Over a New Leaf and From Now On Are Just Going to Arrest Jaywalkers
NBC - Law & Order: Jared Fogle Unit
FOX - More of That Lubitsch-Like Touch That Lee Daniels Is Famous For
CW - Actually, I Dated The Darkness For a Few Months in the Late 90s
Discovery - Hot Air Balloon Repo
TLC - This Week, She Throws Bricks at Nicole Arbour's Head
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

10 - 11

ABC - I'm Pre-Ordering Hal Phillip Walker's Album Christmas Smells Like Oranges To Me
CBS - Because What TV Needs More Than Anything Is A New Medical Drama
NBC - Dick Wolf May Now Have More Shows On the Air Than Shonda Rhimes, So Balance Is Restored to the World
CNBC - Formerly Conan O'Brien's Garage
VH1 - For Those Who Think Janice Dickinson's Relationship Woes Are As Important As She Does
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

THURSDAY

8-9

ABC - Shonda Rhimes Melodrama-O-Rama, Medical Division
CBS - And Now We Can All Officially Get Back to Hating Tom Brady Again
NBC - When Will There Be a Reboot of The Mighty Heroes? ***
FOX - Can't Someone Create a Show Where Emily and Zooey Make Out With Me For an Hour?
CW - O, You Sexy Vampires and Your Tumultuous Lives!
Syfy - So, Are the Wrestlers Human-Alien Hybrids or Time Travellers or Anything Actually Related to Science Fiction?
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

9 - 10

ABC - Shonda Rhimes Melodrama-O-Rama, Political Division
NBC - Can't All the World's Criminals Be Controlled By William Shatner's Priceline Negotiator?
FOX - Waiting For the Crossover With Bones, Master Chef Junior, and the Original Cast of Herman's Head
CW - O, You Sexy Vampires and Your Tumultuous Origins!
CMT - Jersey Shore + Rednecks = No Words, Really
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

10 - 11

ABC - Shonda Rhimes Melodrama-O-Rama, Criminal Division
NBC - Fold
Food Network - I'm Guessing Stephanie March Won't Be Making a Surprise Cameo
HGTV - Choosing Between The House on Haunted Hill and The House on 92nd Street
IFC - Let's See Them Parody Shoah
Syfy - Post-Apocalyptic Worlds Need the Most Love
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

FRIDAY

8-9

ABC - Family Sitcom Which Will Soon Be In Syndication #514266; Let's Take a Funny Comic Actor and Make Him as Unfunny as Possible
CBS - At This Point, "Amazing" May Be Overstating Things a Bit
NBC - Unwatchable; I Don't Care About and Don't Want to Handle the Truth
FOX - GMO Foods Kill Gordon Ramsay In His Sleep
CW - This Year, Mary Attends a Rave and Starts a Girl Group With Elizabeth I, Marie Antoinette, and Susan B. Anthony
Discovery - You Had Me At "Avian Vomitologist"
TCM - I'm Guessing Casablanca or Lawrence of Arabia, Which Is Fine By Me
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

9 - 10

ABC - For Every "Cousins Maine Lobster," There Is This: http://www.originalmancandle.com
CBS - This May Be In Its Sixth Season, But It Will Never Inspire The Church of the Jack Lord ****
NBC - Waiting For the Inevitable Sondheim-Knockoff Episode
FOX - This Isn't Your Father's People Getting Hit In the Nuts...Oh, Wait, That's Exactly What It Is
CW - Thirteen Years of Making Young Girls Hate Themselves
History Channel - You Had Me at "Aliens and the Third Reich"
OWN - Tyler Perry's Output of Shit Continues, But He Was Good in Gone Girl
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

10 - 11

ABC - 20/20: We Broadcast All of Dateline NBC's Stories Just to See If Anyone Notices
CBS - Three More Seasons And This Will Be On as Long as Magnum, P.I.
NBC - Dateline NBC: We Broadcast All of 20/20's Stories Just to See If Anyone Notices
Animal Planet - Treebeard And His Ents Finally Destroy All the Homes Built Upon Their Brethren
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

SATURDAY

8-9

ABC - Preparing College Athletes Today For the Concussions of Tomorrow
CBS - Home on Saturday Night? You'll Watch Whatever We Pull Out Of Our Ass
NBC - Dateline NBC: We Broadcast All of 48 Hours's Stories Just to See If Anyone Notices
FOX - See ABC, 8-9
TV Land - Pretty Much What You'd Expect On TV Land at 8:00pm, Saturday
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

9 - 10

CBS - Just a Reminder, in 1973 the Saturday CBS Lineup Was: All In the Family, M*A*S*H, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, The Bob Newhart Show, and The Carol Burnett Show
BBC America - Maybe Caitlyn Jenner Could Be the Next Doctor
OWN - Iyanla: Regrout My Bathroom Tiles
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

10 - 11

CBS - 48 Hours: We Broadcast All of Dateline NBC's Stories Just to See If Anyone Notices
NBC - We Really Don't Care, So Just Go Watch Porn
BBC America - It's Like Downton Abbey, Only With More Beheadings
TLC - Sex Kidnapped My Children and Stole My Car
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

SUNDAY

8-9

ABC - Diddle, Diddle, Dumpling, My Son John/I Can't Believe This Show's Still On
CBS - Even Téa Leoni Could Have Negotiated a Better Deal With Iran
NBC - In Case You Were Wondering, Defenseless Player Protections Are Now Expanded To the Intended Receiver Of a Pass Following an Interception or Potential Interception
FOX - Ralph Wiggum Should Seriously Consider Running for President Again; Andre Braugher--'Nuff Said
E! - Still Waiting For Kanye West to Come Out As a Gay Fish
The Food Channel - Guy Fieri Licks the Insides of Pizza Boxes
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

9 - 10

ABC - It's Like Dallas, But the Original Title Williston Didn't Test Well With Focus Groups
CBS - Remind Me Again Why I Should Care About Lawyers
FOX - Daniel Webster Tries to Defend Seth MacFarlane, Gives Up and Strangles Him; Pretty Soon All the Refugees From Syria Will Show Up in Tucson
AMC - Favorite Sleepy-Bye Bedtime Stories With Carol Peletier!
HBO - Actually, Everyone Was Just Hiding At My Place For a Really Big Surprise Party
PBS - Something British, That's For Sure
Showtime - Gloomy McKill
TLC - You Can't Spell Polygamy Without "Gamy"
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

10 - 11

ABC - I'd Like a Show Called Quebec That's Filmed in Virginia
CBS - CSI: Boola Boo Ball
HBO - Once Again Documenting the Making of Films That Won't Be Seen by Anyone Anywhere; O, You Movie People and Your Tumultuous Lives!
CNN - Jeff Zucker Offers His Eternal Obedience Every Hour on the Hour to the Dark Lords In the Hope That Donald Trump Becomes President

** followed by The Shawshank Redemption
*** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32DBUNO88bw
**** from Mr. Mike's Mondo Video