Over the past 10 days, I’ve said goodbye to my two oldest kids. My 21-year-old headed back to college and my 18-year-old headed off to Brazil for the start of a gap year. Fortunately, my husband and I have two more years with our youngest, a 16-year-old daughter. Even so, I’m experiencing the same kind of visceral wrench I always do when I bid farewell to one of my kids. It’s literally a physical ache, a mourning of an active, joyous household held together ― in part ― by the glue of raising three glorious children, all under the same roof at the same time.
And that’s why I’m headed off on a girls’ weekend Friday. Yes, I’m looking forward to some time alone with my spouse. But I also need my girlfriends now more than ever, the kind of girlfriends that see you through all of life’s milestones ― including your kids flying the coop.
In recent years, I’ve discovered that one of the worst things about growing older is that the whole friendship thing doesn’t always work out quite as well as it used to. Kids, jobs and life often get in the way of forging and keeping real connections. The urgency I felt in my 20s ― when every overture from a new beau required a 30-minute analysis with a friend over the phone ― is gone. Or there’s just not time for it. Perhaps it’s that people ― or that I ― have simply grown more discerning as time has become more scarce.
Navigating middle age is an interesting process. For me, it’s been a period during which I really started to figure out which friendships deserve tending — and which are a drag. As someone who considers these relationships as life-sustaining as water, it’s been difficult to take a critical look at the friendships I’ve cultivated through the decades and to realize, with a heavy heart, that they’re not all going to last.
So that got me thinking. What kinds of friends do I want to hang onto, especially as I plow through this often lonely “empty nest” stage of my life? I gave it some thought ― and talked with a few of my friends ― and came up with a list of the five types of friends worth hanging onto for dear life.
1. Friends who are up for anything.
A few months back, I went with five girlfriends to a Korean spa in New Jersey called King Spa. The facility is like a mall, with three floors composed of all types of hot and cold spas. The night before our “spa day,” we checked the website and realized we’d be naked — and so would everyone else. But rather than cop out, we decided to go for it. And it was one of the best times I’ve ever had. There is something completely liberating about sitting with friends, chatting about our lives, while totally naked. Talk about shedding one’s inhibitions! I left there loving the fact that my friends were willing to try something completely outside their comfort zone.
2. Friends who make time for you ― even when they’re busy.
When someone apologizes for being too busy to reach out, I simply don’t buy it. If you want to maintain a friendship, you will fire off that text or email. Or you will pick up the phone. It only takes a minute to tell someone you’re thinking of them. Indeed, it’s been my experience that the single most important thing you can do as a friend is show up. When your friend has her first art exhibit, show up. When your friend’s going through a divorce, show up. When your friend’s father dies, show up at the funeral, even if it’s a four-hour drive away. When I turned 40, 20 female friends came a very long way for a special dinner — and I’ll never forget it.
3. Friends who are genuinely happy for you when something good happens.
I’m fortunate enough to have at least a few friends who are sincerely and openly happy for me when something nice occurs. (You’re probably wondering... shouldn’t every kind of friend be happy for others? You’d think so, but that’s not always the case.) Friends who are genuinely happy exhibit not a smidgeon of jealously, but seem truly thrilled about the sale of your book — or about the various accomplishments of your children. They watch and revel in your glory — without any inkling of bitterness. And you’re happy for them as well. After all, friendship is a two-way street.
You know the opposite of this type: The Debbie Downers. They are those folks who ruminate over every little problem in their life again and again — and yet never make one move to change their situation. People who are positive and motivated and who lift up those around them are worth keeping. I have one friend who never fails to smile when she sees me. Her husband lost his job and she has no idea how they will afford their kid’s college expenses, but she remains upbeat, certain things will turn around. I cherish someone with that kind of attitude.
5. Friends who are honest.
This may be the hardest friend to come by. The person who will rip off your rose-colored glasses and tell you, “Stop already. This guy isn’t good for you. Move on.” I recently had a good friend tell me that I seriously needed to lose weight. Talk about a kick in the gut! But once I’d picked my jaw up off the floor, I realized she was a good enough friend to tell me the truth. The fact that someone had noticed my weight gain — and then had the courage to say something about it — made me double up my effort to get fit. If you find someone who will tell you the truth, in an honest attempt to help, never let them go.
Have your own ideas about friendship in midlife? Let us know in the comments.
A previous version of this article was published in 2014.
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