When I think back to the Halloweens of my youth, I think of awesome costumes with plastic masks you could barely breathe in, cardboard cutout decorations -- black cats, jack-o'-lanterns and a jointed witch that still gives me excitable creeps when I think of her -- and doing the Monster Mash in the basement/bar of our house.
And of course, candy. I mainly think of bags and buckets and bowls full of candy.
My favorites have always been anything involving caramel (100 Grand Bar anyone?) and candy corn. My love and devotion to candy corn runs long and deep, so it's always so confusing to me when I see it high on those "worst candies to get on Halloween" lists.
Because here are the true offenders. These poor candies -- always the last to leave the party that is the Halloween candy bowl.
Do Smarties even exist outside of October? You can't go down the candy aisle at the grocery store in July and buy a roll of Smarties, right? Is there a reason for that? Maybe because they're not very good? I think we still have a few of these rolling around in our junk drawer from last Halloween.
2. Necco Wafers.
Necco Wafers claim to fame is that they've been around since like, colonial times I think? I'm pretty sure people would go to the general store for ten cents' worth of shoelaces and a wax paper tube of these chalky treats. Why do these still exist? Because children crave "clove" flavored flat discs?
3. 3 Musketeers.
Admit it -- you'll eat the 3 Musketeers bars when the "good" chocolate bars are all gone. Biting into a 3 Musketeers bar is like biting into... ummm... air? Nothing? I'm pretty sure a 3 Musketeers bar is a Milky Way minus the delicious caramel.
4. Dum Dums.
All hail the Dum-Dum, the world's tiniest lollipop! Some of the flavors are really great (cream soda, cotton candy, root beer and everyone's favorite, "mystery"), but it's gone in the blink of an eye. Or half a blink. It's really that microscopic. My kids always associate them with banks and doctors' offices, so... that's fun for them.
5. Hard Candy.
The worst. This category is a hodgepodge of butterscotch discs, those weird jelly-filled strawberry candies or peppermints that have been floating around the bottom of your purse. Best to just turn your porch light off and call it a night.
So there they are -- the bottom of the root beer barrel.
If you choose any of the above over delicious, honey-kissed, so-sweet-they-make-your-teeth-tingle handfuls of candy corn, you may be in need of a serious Halloween candy intervention.