The 50 Funniest Tweets From Women In 2016

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I'M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

— Elspeth (@elspetheastman) September 18, 2016

i like my men like i like my coffee: just kidding i don't like men

— ¯\(◉‿◉)/¯ (@zoejokes) February 17, 2016

Sitting in a room with my husband and kids... Suddenly I realise everyone here has been in my vagina. Wow

— Ruqayyah (@onenawtigeh) January 11, 2016

There was a lost bro at the train station this morning. I put a little bowl of Gatorade out for him & alerted the nearest frat.

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 10, 2016

If you're a male pundit critiquing a woman's weight you should have to do it shirtless in front of an audience of women three rosés deep

— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) September 29, 2016

oh, my blush? it's called "i've had five glasses of wine"

— marissa a. ross (@MarissaARoss) February 18, 2016

Sometimes I think I am confident but last night I instinctively apologized to stairs so there is still the tiniest bit of room for growth

— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) February 19, 2016

when ur saying goodbye to a tinder date who u have no intention of ever seeing again pic.twitter.com/2HagUZaT8L

— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) July 21, 2016

[1789, woman opens beautifully wrapped hand delivered message] Oh my...yet another gentleman caller has sent me his penis portrait...

— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) February 22, 2016

I need to stop doing Parkour thru my house. This Ikea furniture can't handle me.

— Luwanda (@LuwandaJenkins) January 27, 2016

in what section of my resume do I put drinking wine in the shower special skills or work experience

— Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) January 26, 2016

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

— secret agent mandik (@rachelle_mandik) January 21, 2016

Are we all ready to admit that "don't tell ANYONE" means you can tell exactly one person

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) January 9, 2016

White dudes who go jogging after 11 PM are just bragging.

— Jazmine Hughes (@jazzedloon) June 9, 2016

me walking into a nail salon with my bestie to get mani pedis even though we didn't make a reservation. pic.twitter.com/cImxCADV4Y

— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) August 14, 2016

Delete your account. https://t.co/Oa92sncRQY

— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) June 9, 2016

18 years later, which Sex and the City character are you? I am the myth that writing one weekly column can financially sustain you.

— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) June 9, 2016

"Where'd you meet him?"
"On the Internet. I fell in love with him because of the delicate care he used to explain my joke back to me."

— Kashana (@kashanacauley) June 15, 2016

There's a special place in hell for girls who don't tell other girls where they bought their outfit.

— Jenny Mollen (@jennyandteets) May 25, 2016

You can complain all you want about women taking selfies; we aren't the ones naming our children our own exact fucking names.

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) May 25, 2016

You Tube is great when you want to learn anyone can be famous but most people shouldn't be.

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) May 31, 2016

Who else panics when they're stopped next to a school bus because teens could possibly be in there roasting you

— 🗣❤️ (@jodecicry) May 10, 2016

Brian Wilson: Honey.
His wife: Don't do it.
BW: Hey, honey.
His wife: I'm serious.
BW: ........You ain't married to no average Beach Boy.

— Lauren O'Neal (@laureneoneal) May 5, 2016

Behind every strong woman is 5 other strong women who proofread her email real quick when they had a second

— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) April 25, 2016

Used my #womancard at the ATM today. Tried to withdrawal $100, but the machine gave me $79.

— brandi mathis (@brandimathis) April 27, 2016

I need to be able to sing the line "who runs the world" and immediately hear "girls" or honestly I don't feel safe in that space

— Stephanie Mickus (@smickable) May 16, 2016

I'm coming out with my own lip kit just like @KylieJenner ! It's just a little marinara in a paper cup!

— Aidy Bryant (@aidybryant) April 5, 2016

"Nipples killed my parents, and I'll be damned if anyone else should ever have to see those murderers again" -the founder of Instagram

— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) April 5, 2016

Sorry I can't come to your party. The one shirt I feel cute in is dirty; there's literally nothing I can do.

— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) April 1, 2016

when u open snapchat or instagram and your beautiful best friends have posted selfies pic.twitter.com/o5rdLIsDZu

— farwz (@farwzz) November 29, 2016

Look it's fine to troll me but don't you dare put yr hateful email in Comic Sans

— Sam Escobar (@myhairisblue) April 1, 2016

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What's your dog's name?

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 30, 2016

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

— Living Marble (@living_marble) April 14, 2016

This Guy Went Undercover To See What It’s *Really* Like Online For Women Because People Don’t Take Them At Their Word Anyway He’s A Hero

— Bec Shaw (@Brocklesnitch) March 17, 2016

adulthood is emailing "sorry for the delayed response!" back and forth until one of you dies

— Marissa Miller (@Marissa__Miller) February 26, 2016

life hack: if you cry in your uber pool they don't pick anyone else up

— hot car gatorade szn (@allstn) June 21, 2016

As a transgender woman, I can empathize with online trolls because I, too, have an extremely tiny dick.

— Avery Edison (@aedison) July 20, 2016

friend: how are things?

me: things are good!

narrator: things were not good

— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) August 25, 2016

list of things im handling well currently

1.

— psycho (@invalid) August 22, 2016

Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg

"Excuse me ma'am, do you work here?"

Me: *grabs another donut & runs*

— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 29, 2016

I saw my legacy revealed today when my kid stopped on our walk home to dig a candy wrapper out of a leaf pile "in case there was any left."

— Amanda (@Manda_like_wine) September 10, 2016

me: i'm an opinionated woman woman who knows what she wants
anyone: what do u wanna eat
me: pic.twitter.com/gdhrv0ScXB

— carmen (@carmenhatesu) October 25, 2016

I feel like "Autumn" is just Fall's stripper stage name

— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) September 23, 2016

if you're anxious and you know it clap your hands (but not too loudly because that might cause other people to view you as a disturbance)

— Hannah Giorgis (@ethiopienne) October 14, 2016

ladies: the day after Halloween, don't forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth when men tell you to smile

— Sammy Nickalls (@sammynickalls) October 28, 2016

ITEMS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD OWN:
-Little Black Dress
-Cute flats
-Strappy s- ok now that the men have stopped reading, we revolt at dawn.

— Anna Fitzpatrick (@bananafitz) May 4, 2016

I'm not an asshole, I'm just alt-nice.

— Andi Zeisler (@andizeisler) November 22, 2016

jesus be a bottle of wine with a really, really tall straw inside

— Tracy Clayton (@brokeymcpoverty) December 1, 2016

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma'am, get out of the fountain.

— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) November 17, 2016

Cat: hey
Cat: hey
Cat: hey
Cat: hey
Cat: hey
Cat: hey
Cat: hey
Cat: hey
Cat: hey
Cat: hey
Cat: hey
Me: what
Cat: omg ew ur obsessed with me

— Jillian Gutowitz (@jillboard) January 27, 2016