The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant — and succinct — wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up the hilarious 280-character musings. To close out 2019, we’ve picked 50 of the funniest tweets from women this past year.
Scroll down to read some truly laugh-out-loud posts from some wonderful women. And sign up for our “Funniest Tweets of the Week” newsletter here.
People say committees don’t work but that’s bc they haven’t seen a group of women gather to help one person draft & send a risky text
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) November 15, 2019
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
— dirt prince (@pant_leg) April 22, 2019
Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life
— Jia Tolentino (@jiatolentino) November 19, 2019
As a tall person I cannot offer to reach something on a high shelf for a stranger, yet if they ask me I must oblige. This is the law of the giants
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) April 24, 2019
jojo: i gave up everything i had on something that just wouldn’t last, but i refuse to cry no tears will fall from these...eyesSsSSs...ohhhhOhhhhohhh
— Gena-mour Barrett (@SmileGena) January 30, 2019
11 y/o me: GEEEEEETTTT OOOOOUUUUUTTTTTTTTT pic.twitter.com/Ou6dqpr7OF
Is it normal halfway through barre class to wish for death
— rachel syme (@rachsyme) December 1, 2019
Nothing has paid off less than learning how to do the Soulja Boy.
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) July 27, 2019
Ctrl-F but for all the hair ties in my apartment
— Taylor Ortega (@taylor_ortega) November 6, 2019
Me, age 17: can solve a quadratic equation in 20 seconds
— Anjali. (@Anjalaaay) September 11, 2019
Me, age 23: can't subtract 17 from 33 without a calculator
Is it really a Pinterest recipe if you didn’t learn about the author’s Italian lineage and how she met her 2nd husband?
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) March 20, 2019
me using the rosebud cheat to give my sims the life they deserve pic.twitter.com/X6vCiw4PKY
— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) June 17, 2019
not once in my life have i “brought something to the table”
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) April 17, 2019
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house pic.twitter.com/vnlpriaFZS
— nicole boyce (@nicolewboyce) October 29, 2019
“First kid up at the sleepover” is a personality type
— Brit Bennett (@britrbennett) March 16, 2019
me: and that’s why we had no choice but to stan
— Andrea Long Chu (@theorygurl) August 20, 2019
grandkid: wow... but what if you didn’t want to stan? could you just not?
me (gravely): no. we had to
Nothing makes me feel like a founding father like still remembering how to write in cursive.
— Abbi Holidays Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 10, 2019
Sorry I’m late, I still don’t know how long it takes to shower
— Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) October 8, 2019
Putting on and taking off a sports bra counts as exercise. Don’t @ me
— 🎅🏿Imani Gandy Cane🎅🏿 (@AngryBlackLady) October 9, 2019
Me, age 25: I’m sure by 35 I’ll be driving an Audi
— 🎄Vision Bored, Sugar Plum Fairy🎄 (@VisionBored1) June 9, 2019
Me, age 37: WHERE DO ALL THE FUCKING SOCKS DISAPPEAR TO
if you live in a city and someone invites you on a hiking trip, they're auditioning you for their apocalypse team
— Caitlin Van Horn (@HelloCVH) September 21, 2019
If you light a candle, it’s not “drinking wine alone in your house,” it’s hygge.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) November 22, 2019
My super power is looking at someone and knowing exactly what they owned from American Apparel in 2009
— Sarah Hagi (@geekylonglegs) November 17, 2019
The winner of Game of Thrones will be awarded a modelling contract with Elite Model Management, a fashion spread and cover in Seventeen, and a $100,000 contract with CoverGirl cosmetics.
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) May 16, 2019
Called a restaurant to make a reservation but couldn’t think of the word so asked for a food appointment and now I can never show my face there again
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 7, 2019
Me and my gals in college: yaaaas let’s drink this BAG of wine & go DAAAANCING
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) July 7, 2019
Me and my gals now: Ok so what you are experiencing is repressed trauma and what im about to guide you through is called dialectical behavior therapy
When you say “I’m such a Samantha” vs. when I say “I’m such a Samantha pic.twitter.com/lm6FZGNlPp
— Brittany Van Horne (@_brittanyv) August 7, 2019
it's the weekend and you know what that means! time to absolutely dread leaving the house for social obligations you already agreed to attend
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) August 25, 2019
Me rushing to put a face mask on as soon as I feel my mental health slipping pic.twitter.com/nfBNeBbynh
— jenan (@jxnann) October 21, 2019
When I carry two full paper Trader Joe’s bags home that IS a workout. It’s arm day. Leg day. Core day. Finger day. Imma A CrossFit Queen. A Barbell Bitch. A Gains Goddess of Groceries.
— Rachel Pegram (@rachelpegram) May 21, 2019
Things I thought I would have as an adult: a thriving career, an amazing social life, an impressive retirement account.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) August 25, 2019
Things I actually have as an adult: a plastic bag filled with plastic bags, a favorite spatula, crippling anxiety.
i don’t like the person i become when i’m tracking a ups package
— daddy long legs xx (@ELLASCHU) September 15, 2019
You don't need committees to solve things. Just find two women who are in a real mood about some shit and send them on an evening fitness walk.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 25, 2019
My daughter loves the things she is learning in grade 2, & she woke me up this morning by whispering "I have more bones than you" directly into my ear, so I'm pretty psyched to be raising an extremely powerful science witch
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) February 20, 2019
when you eat a pizza roll before it's cooled down pic.twitter.com/oh2sV4Foan
— 🎄🦌Rhena-deer🦌🎄 (@tolntran) May 12, 2019
it’s with a heavy heart I announce that I let another innocent bunch of bananas rot on my kitchen counter for 12 days
— brittany (@Brittany_broski) September 18, 2019
me at 16 screaming at my mom: i'll never be like you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
— Scaachi (@Scaachi) August 20, 2019
me at 28 screaming at my husband: don't throw out the dahi container we can clean it and use it as tupperware!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish they took your photo on emotional rollercoasters too
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 7, 2019
“as per my previous email”
— ruby🦎 (@roobeekeane) September 24, 2019
- weirdly formal
- passive aggressive
- might not get a reply
“if you’d used your fuckin eyes, Geoff”
- shows a passion for biology
- informal, first name terms
- even better if their name isn’t Geoff
Wherever all my Tupperware lids are, I truly hope that they are happy
— Samanta Claus 🇨🇦 (@ItsSamG) May 1, 2019
When a man catcalls you not knowing of your powers pic.twitter.com/PsCRDS2xf7
— Sad cat painting (@muppetgal) April 4, 2019
THERAPIST: And what do we do when we feel sad?
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) July 15, 2019
ME: Fill a fountain drink with every flavor & let the lord decide whether it tastes good or not
THERAPIST: No
clock: go to bed
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 18, 2019
brain: google marmosets i dare you
i'm whichever meyers briggs type loses interest in finishing the test halfway
— dylan gelula (@DylanGelula) May 1, 2019
Forever 21 sounds more like a witch’s curse than a clothing store.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) August 29, 2019
me with some hot goss pic.twitter.com/KWJorOsTp6
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) March 24, 2019
nobody:
— actually steve buscemi (@egirlchelsea) September 11, 2019
absolutely no one:
a complete and total absence of people:
people with hydroflasks:
C L O N K
are there any three words more efficiently humbling than “upper lip too?”
— Hannah Giorgis (@ethiopienne) March 12, 2019
{extremely White Snake voice at 3am} Here I go again on my phone
— deck the halls w kimmymonte ❄️ (@KimmyMonte) May 13, 2019
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
— Chelsey Johnson (@chelseyhotel) April 7, 2019
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
ME: "I don't want to talk about it it's too long of a story I'm exhausted and I'm over it"
— Leslie Grossman (@MissLeslieG) August 13, 2019
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: "Oh that's not even the craziest part listen to this shit"
