An informal poll of 2,000 Brits (most of whom we suspect are just out of nappies) says that by the time a woman is 46, she should shear her long locks and by the ripe old age of 47, she should hang up her skinny jeans. While the Retire Savvy poll is about as unscientific as it gets, it purports to tell older women at what age they should stop doing various things associated with youth. Personally, we think it’s more a measure of how high our blood pressure can go when we read foolish things. To wit:
1. Tattoos are a no-no after the age of 38.
Helen Mirren, 72, obviously didn’t get the word. While the Grand Dame once called the small tattoo of interlocking Vs on her left hand a “drunken act of youthful rebellion,” she told The Daily Mail that she’s had a change of heart and now would like a “whole sleeve” tattoo of snakes running up her arm.
As we wrote here, Dame Mirren has never been one to follow the crowd. She has dyed her hair pink, shopped at “stripper shops” for sexy shoes, and royally smacked down people who drink and drive. And clearly she is the coolest septuagenarian around by getting some major ink.
2. Stop taking selfies at 34.
And this is because you think we’ll break the camera? How about this: We’ll stop taking selfies right after Kim Kardashian does. She turns 38 in October. And while we’re waiting for that to happen, we’ll be amusing ourselves with her coffee-table book ― “Kim Kardashian Selfish” ― a collection of her selfie photography.
3. Stop going clubbing at 44.
Well, you got us on this one. When you decide to save what’s left of your hearing and can simply admit that nothing beats being asleep in bed by 11 p.m., you will understand the wisdom of our ways. Besides, there are no places for people over 45 to even go dancing!
4. Stop going to music festivals at 45.
Please! You are talking to the Woodstock Nation here. We can only guess that word didn’t cross the pond about Desert Trip, which sold out in a nanosecond even though you had to cash out your retirement savings to afford the ticket prices. The Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, The Who, Paul McCartney will all be there ― alive, well and kicking up some desert dust. Google them, kids.
5. Quit trying to learn technology at 40.
OK, next you are going to tell us that nobody should have sex after 35. So, the Retire Savvy poll thinks we should stop using Twitter at 47 and delete our Facebook profile by the ripe old age of 49. Just who do they think keeps Facebook propped up? In 2014, 56 percent of online adults over 65 had Facebook accounts. It is our social network of choice. If anybody should leave, it should be ― and has been ― younger people.
Or, maybe, at the end of the day, we can just all quote Estelle Getty?