'The Amazing Spider-Man': Should The Title Be Changed To 'The Serviceable Spider-Man'? (And 24 Other Urgent Questions)

the amazing spider man

Next week, a new Spider-Man movie, titled, The Amazing Spider-Man will be available for your viewing pleasure in exchange for a somewhat unreasonable amount of your local currency. You like Spider-Man, but you're confused because this fourth Spider-Man film in the last ten years has nothing to do with the last three Spider-Man movies. To clear this up for you, we ask and answer every single question that you may have about The Amazing Spider-Man.

Q: What's the biggest difference between this Spider-Man and the Spider-Man we saw in Sam Raimi's first movie?

A: The aspect of Peter Parker's (Andrew Garfield) parents. I mean, we actually do meet them to start the film. But, sadly, that storyline seems to disappear early in the story.

Q: Do Peter's parents seem nice?

A: Well, kind of. I mean, they seem sad to have to abandon Peter with his Uncle Ben (Martin Sheen) and Aunt May (Sally Field). But, also, they are involved in mysterious science experiments, which results in their hasty departure.

Q: Does it make you feel old that Frog from Smokey and the Bandit is now old enough to play Aunt May?

A: You have no idea.

Q: Will I enjoy The Amazing Spider-Man?

A: If you (A) can forget that there was another series of Spider-Man movies or (B) never knew that the other series of Spider-man movies existed in the first place, then the answer is "maybe."

Q: In this reboot, where do we find Peter?

A: When the story jumps to the present, Peter is not quite the nerd he was in previous films. He's not "cool," per se, but he's not the lowest on the high school totem pole, either.

Q: Is Peter interested in photography?

A: Yes, very much. But he's also interested in Dr. Curt Connors (Rhys Ifans) who was a colleague of Peter's father (Campbell Scott). Peter discovers Connors' name in some of his father's paperwork and relentlessly researches Connors on the internet.

Q: What is Peter's internet search engine of choice?

A: Bing.

Q: What's the most unbelievable thing about The Amazing Spider-Man?

A: That would be either the unnatural amount of (non super-villain-type) lizards roaming the streets of New York City or that Peter Parker would use Bing as his search engine.

Q: What are the biggest similarities between The Amazing Spider-Man and the Sam Raimi's Spider-Man?

A: Well, that's the problem. There are a lot. And not in a good way.

Q: Is Peter still bitten by a radioactive spider?

A: Yes. This movie (sans the opening involving Peter's parents) follows pretty much the same plot points as Raimi's original Spider-Man: Peter is a high school student, Peter has a crush on his classmate, Peter is picked on by Flash Thompson, Peter is bitten by a radioactive Spider, Peter wakes up the next morning and is involved in a series of hilarious hijinks as he discovers his new powers. We've seen all of this before.

Q: With whom does Peter have a crush on? Mary Jane Watson?

A: Mary Jane Watson is not in The Amazing Spider-Man. In this movie, Peter's heart belongs to Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone), who happens to be the daughter of a police captain, George Stacy. George and Peter don't always get along.

Q: Is The Amazing Spider-Man redundant?

A: I wouldn't go that far, but there were many times while watching that I was just like, "C'mon, just get on with it." As in, "Oh, there's Uncle Ben. We all know what's going to happen to him! Let's just have it happen soon so we can move on to something else."

Q: How is Rhys Ifans as The Lizard?

A: That's another thing, Peter's relationship with Connors is reminiscent of that of William Defoe's Norman Osborn in Raimi's Spider-Man. At first, Peter and Connors have a good relationship -- that is until Connors injects himself with an untested serum, which results in Connors turning into The Lizard.

Q: Wait, didn't Osborn also inject himself with a serum?

A: Osborn's serum was produced in an effort to develop a super soldier. Connors' serum was created so amputees could regrow their missing limbs. But, yes, both serums eventually transform their test subjects into villains.

Q: Speaking of Curt Connors, what do you think Dylan Baker is doing right now?

A: Flipping off a poster of The Amazing Spider-Man.

Q: By the end of The Amazing Spider-Man, how many people are aware of Peter's secret identity?

A: At least four. Which is actually quite remarkable.

Q: What's the best thing about The Amazing Spider-Man?

A: The visuals are stunning. And director Marc Webb should get full credit for those visuals.

Q: Quality wise, what would be a better title for The Amazing Spider-Man?

A: The Serviceable Spider-Man.

Q: Considering how much you like director Marc Webb, how hard was that last sentence to write?

A: Extremely hard. (500 ) Days of Summer is one of my favorite movies of the last five years.

Q: Is this mediocrity of The Amazing Spider-Man Marc Webb's fault?

A: I'm guessing, "no." I'm also guessing that we will hear the full story sometime in the near future.

Q: What's the best thing about Andrew Garfield's interpretation of Peter Parker and, also, the most frustrating thing about The Amazing Spider-Man?

A: There's a clip that you may have seen, in which Spider-Man taunts a car thief. Going as far as to ridicule the car thief for thinking a small knife would be a suitable weapon against Spider-Man. This was the Peter that I wanted to see. This Peter cracked wise. Unfortunately, this Peter disappeared after that scene.

Q: Does this mean Andrew Garfield is not a good Peter Parker?

A: No. Actually, even though the intensely jaded Parker that I liked doesn't stick around, I do like Garfield as Parker better than I do Tobey Maguire -- who always played the Parker version of his character like a cast member of The Big Bang Theory.

Q: What's the worst line of dialogue in The Amazing Spider-Man?

A: An unfortunate line by The Lizard, taunting Spider-Man: "Poor Peter Parker." With emphasis on the "P's," to the point it sounds like it should continue into a limerick.

Q: Compared to the Sam Raimi Spider-Man movies, where would you rank The Amazing Spider-Man?

A: It's not as good as Spider-Man or Spider-Man 2. Though, it's much better than Spider-Man 3.

Q: If you had to recommend that either someone watch The Amazing Spider-Man in theaters or Sam Raimi's Spider-Man at home on a television, which would you recommend?

A: Look, it's fun to see Spider-Man on the big screen again. But, yeah, it might be best to just watch Spider-Man again at home since it's in a lot of ways the same movie. Only better.

Mike Ryan is senior entertainment writer for The Huffington Post. He likes Star Wars a lot. You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.