I could tell you right now to feel good about yourself. To know that you’re attractive in your own skin, and worthy of others’ attention. You would likely tell me that this is good, rational thinking, only to fall into the trap of wanting to look differently. Thinking that looking differently would make you feel differently.
For the vast majority of people, self-acceptance messages sound appealing. They sound like they’re worth accepting. Yet, comparing ourselves to others seems to be in our nature. This makes it so hard to be satisfied with our bodies. I see in my clients each week. I hear the stories of how shameful, body perception leads to fear of sex, sexual dysfunction, and struggles with self-esteem.
One way to curb this is awareness. We are fed so much information that makes us question ourselves, and many times we’re not aware of the impact. We simply react to it. The images that we’re given in the media, Hollywood, and porn tell us that our bodies should look a certain way. Yet, very few of us look that way. Despite us knowing that there’s not one standard body type, we diet and exercise and feel less attractive in what seems like a never ending cycle.
I’m not saying that people should never diet and exercise. Instead, I’m saying that people need to be aware of what they’re doing, and why they’re doing it. Sadly, many people are reacting to shame-based messages, without knowing the insecure feelings underneath. This means that these insecurities can come out in places that are unexpected. One of those arenas is sex.
We’ll start to create constructs of “sexual worthiness.” People think that if they look a certain way, it’ll give them self-confidence, and dream-like sexual experiences. Fitness commercials back this up. The “successful” people in the commercials and advertisements are presented as confident only after they’ve lost weight. As a therapist, I can say for sure that there is no weight class that is immune to insecurity, low self-esteem, or shame. In fact, many of these images add to shame, more than they help with it.
When you’re aware that you’re responding to such insecurities, you can better reflect on what you’re responding to. If you have a goal that you want to make changes to your diet or increase your endurance, then you’ll know that this is what you want. You’ll be able to plan and create steps to help you achieve this. On the other hand, you’ll also know if your hoping these goals will get you a certain type of sexual experience, partner, or sense of worth. Stepping back allows you to reflect on your goals, and adjust them as needed.
If you’re linking the look of your body to your worth of being a great sexual partner, this is where you’ll want to reevaluate your goals. Your looks don’t determine sexual pleasure. It can be arousing to someone to touch a certain type of body, but that isn’t true for everyone. Rather than get caught up in this cycle of self-shaming, you might begin to identify what you think makes you sexually attractive. Do this based on what you look like now, rather than how you think others believe you should look. To add to the benefits, this is likely going to improve your prospects as well.
When you practice appreciating yourself, potential sexual partners are more likely to take notice. Others will respond to you. That’s where you’ll be able to experience love and sexuality in an affirming way. You’ll see that these things are never all about body fat percentages, weight, or waist lines. They’re about expression, stimulation, connection, and communication.
It’s natural at this time of year to create resolutions surrounding goal weights and exercise plans. There is no crime in doing that. When you do this, be aware of the reasons that you’re developing such goals. This can be the difference between establishing and maintaining your sexual self-esteem and falling victim to the loneliness associated with never being happy with how you look and feel.