The Apology I Sent My Ex

Pen and pages of notebook forming heart-shape
Pen and pages of notebook forming heart-shape

An apology is equivalent to an energetic broom. It clears space. It releases what you've held onto. Forgiveness creates an opening for something new.

I've experienced the heaviness dissipate after sharing my feelings and offering a genuine, compassionate sorry to another. This event can be profoundly healing to all parties involved. I apologized to my ex years ago and I have worked to forgive him for what I perceived as wrong doings at the time. I have felt good about all of this until Sunday evening when I was pulled into my past.

Here's what happened, I was completing preliminary questions for an upcoming podcast interview (stay tuned!) when one particular question triggered a flashback to the old me, the woman completely out of touch with her power and living a reactionary life.

I WAS A MESS! I was in pain, I was insecure and I was a man's worst nightmare. I created a hell to live in with my beliefs and thoughts, worrying about the future and dwelling in the past. I'll be the first to admit it, I was temporarily insane a.k.a disconnected from my TRUTH. Here's why, I wanted to be loved to badly, I was needy and yearning for acceptance and unconditional love, I once blamed my ex for not being able to love me, but there's much more to it.

Here's what I learned along the way, I wasn't able to give and receive this unconditional love because I had not learned to fully accept and love all of me. I was broken and so was my ex. Like attracts like and we were playing out our childhood wounds with one another hoping to feel what would heal us. It always takes two. But we must we willing to own our actions, the roles we played in the container of the relationship.

Did we realize that at the time? NO WAY. But as I continue to do my work around the subconscious, I know it's true. So I decided to send him a text message to apologize to apologize once more and come clean about my revelations.

I sent my words and raw feelings without expectation. It didn't matter if he responded or agreed, (although he did- the following day and agreed.) it only mattered that I released this as it came to the surface. It's also the awareness that I was unable to give love, I did my best at the time given my circumstances and what I knew. I would sabotage and criticize which was only a projection of my own insecurities. With this awareness I continue to love the small girl within (little Nikki) who still resides within, my inner-child. I comfort her as needed.

Our subconscious mind is emotional, it's our "child's mind" and it's where fear, lack and feelings of self-worth reside. We must continue to be mindful of our fears and notice who they affect. When it's time, don't hold back the gift of forgiveness to yourself and to others. Love is the answer.

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