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The Ashley Madison Hack: 20 Things NOT to Say

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It's been a stressful week for millions of folks out there including reality catastrophe Josh Duggar as well as "approximately 10,000 government officials or workers". I imagine many have been racking their brains with excuses to give if their information - including profiles with all their secret sexual fantasies and matching credit card transactions, real names and addresses, and employee documents and emails - ends up being released.

I'm sure you have nothing to worry about but chances, you know at least one person who's sweating this week's news. I'm not sure what they should say if they've found themself in such a predicament but here are 20 things they definitely should not say:

1. I thought it was a baby names website.
2. I was undercover writing an investigate expose.
3. I was trying to get to the Ashley Madekwe fan site. I got really into the first season of Revenge while you were out of town. I just wanted to show Ashley and the whole Revenge cast my support.
4. I signed up to make sure you weren't a member. You passed the test!
5. What is this "internet" you speak of, I am not familiar.
6. I was looking for a Billy Madison fan page - You KNOW I love Adam Sandler. I celebrate his whole catalog.
7. Wow! Sorry! The married people on the radio ad really reacted WAY cooler than you are about this.
8. I saw all the photos and thought it was a fashion blog for middle-aged people with no heads.
9. I was trying to improve my golf game. I googled "how to swing" and it just came up.
10. I felt like sleeping with our neighbor would be boorish and this seemed more considerate.
11. I was looking for a new babysitter! ... Do they not offer that?
12. I thought I was doing you a favor!
13. That wasn't me who signed up - That was drunk me.
14. Wait, you mean you're not one of the 37 million on it?
15. ... Hall pass?
16. I thought this was the sexier version of TaskRabbit.
17. So, you're telling me we weren't on a break?
18. But all our married friends are on here!
19. We always cheat on our taxes - Is this really so different?
20. Well, I guess they delivered - I'm screwed.

Respectfully,
James Sexton

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