Welcome back to the wonderful world of white wine tears, roses, grammatical incorrectness and two-month journeys toward engagement. That's right, "The Bachelor" has returned -- this time with Chris Soules, the all-American, corn-loving #PrinceFarming at its helm. This season, we'll be recapping the highlights of each episode.
10 Things We Learned From Prince Farming's Journey This Week
1. True love is pretending to like camping. "The lake is my favorite place in the world," declares Mackenzie as the first round of women arrive on their lake day/camping night group date. Nothing is more fun than having a dude throw you into nature-filled situations just to "see how you react." <3 <3 <3
2. "This is stupid." Kelsey's running salty diatribe perfectly describes the excruciating pain of watching this season of "The Bachelor." "My face is getting skinnier from fake smiling… trying to enjoy this hellhole,” she says.
3. It's best to be explicit when trying to tell someone that you're a virgin. Especially when that person is as slow as Chris. "I'm inexperienced in every possible way," says Ashley I., later telling the producers that "his face seemed to me that he got it." "I don't get it," says Chris to the camera. (Side note: If, like Ashley I., a staged camping trip on a reality TV show is the "craziest night of your life," you're doing it wrong.)
4. Not everyone who lives in Iowa has a regulation Kate Gosselin haircut. Let two out of three of Chris' sisters, who show up to pick one lucky lady to go on this week's one-on-one date, serve as proof. They end up picking Jade (who?), and she tears up because she's finally being recognized.
5. Grown women probably shouldn't describe themselves as Disney princesses. Hell hath no fury like an Ashley I. who feels she deserves the Cinderella date (not-at-all subtly sponsored by the new Disney movie of the same name!) bestowed upon Jade. Ashley I.'s element is being a princess, guys. Life is sooooo not fair.
6. Farmer Chris might be the most boring man on earth. I can't even pretend to care when he reveals he's been engaged before on his date with Jade. Or when they dance. Or when he gives her the rose promising not to overlook her anymore. Zzzzzzzzzzz...
7. There is a girl named Nikki on this show. Who knew?
8. Balls flying at your face won't ruin your social life. But they might derail your chances of winning an obstacle course MuckFest race and getting some glam one-on-one time with Chris. Jillian's badass athletic skills finally get put to use and she beats the other women on this muddy group date by leaps and bounds.
9. Understanding words -- even when they are spoken quickly -- is a great skill to have. “When Jillian’s talking, I become very confused because the words come out much faster than my mind can process," says Prince Farming. “I begin to think of unicorns and dancing fairies. Quite beautiful.” Unsurprisingly, Jillian gets booted off the island toward the end of the date. Ever the charmer, Chris uses the line, "You're the person you are," to soften the breakup blow. Jillian is disappointed in herself. I think she's just dodged an Iowa-shaped bullet.
10. Two virgins are better than one? Ashley I. and Becca are here to ensure that this season of "The Bachelor" highlights just how f**ked up our culture is when it comes to female virginity. “The fact that Ashley I. is a virgin is impressive," says Chris after Ashley makes it 100 percent clear what she meant by "inexperienced." "If anything it made me respect her more.” Meanwhile, Kardashley cries because she fears she may have totally freaked her suitor out. Dear America, can we please stop treating one's virginal (or non-virginal) status as some sort of character-defining achievement or failure or fetish?
And The Final Rose Goes To...
SAFE: Jade and Kaitlyn already have roses. Whitney, Carly, Megan, Samantha, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Becca, Ashley I. ::pause for the final rose:: Britt
ELIMINATED: Juelia, Ashley S., Nikki
Next Week, On "The Bachelor"
Santa Fe! It’s incredible! Hot air balloons! Real feelings! Making out! Shirt off! Heavy breathing! Kelsey is threatened! More making out! Conniving Kelsey! Not going as planned! Chris needs a second! Bleep! Tears! 911!
The Best Tweets About This Week's "Bachelor"