The Bachelor Episode 4: Small Town USA

We open with the women upset because Corinne was straddling Nick and this isn't fair because what this is, a dating reality TV show or something?! One smart girl, Astrid, stands up to the horde and says, "But he likes her, that's why we're all intimidated, though." The women pay no heed to this lone voice of reason.  One girl discusses Corinne's "plethora"of issues so she's the resident brainiac. Vanessa complains to Nick about his behavior, aka allowing Corinne to straddle him, and he says he cares about what she thinks, although likely not as much as he cares about getting his dry hump on in the bouncy house.

Taylor and Sara go into Corinne's bedroom, where she is napping for a change, and tell her that the girls in the house think she is "entitled." Corinne retorts that she is not "privileged" despite having a nanny.  There is no meeting of minds, as minds would be required for such a scenario to transpire, and everyone feels frustrated.

Rose ceremony.  Taylor says she has a  "bunch of haters" but she doesn't care. Nick gives some absurd oration to the women, thanking them for being there, and begins the execution ceremony. Danielle, the neonatal nurse, questions in her mind (really to the interviewer) whether Nick is looking for a woman or a girl. Shark costume girl, Taylor, Astrid, and some others get a rose. The producers make Nick give Corinne her rose last, to evoke suspense.  We hear somber, funereal music, befitting the women's moods when they realize that Corinne is here for another week.  The discarded girls cry during their exit interviews, and nobody cares.  The remaining, non-loser, women, drink champagne with Nick and smugly flaunt their roses, because Darwinism.  Corinne bites her rose of victory in the interview because insanity.

A new day. Taylor hates Corinne because she has less of a sexual connection with Nick than Corinne does, and because Corinne is deranged. The women are told that their global travel journey will start, and they will start in Nick's hometown of Milwaukee. The women cheer, because Milwaukee is so awesome and/or they are brainwashed by this show. Their hotel in Milwaukee is pretty dope, though, although nobody has used that word since Corinne was in utero.

Nick's parents meet him in a restaurant to ask what they did wrong to make him such a narcissist. I mean, to express interest in the women he's meeting on the show.  His mom worries that since he's been single so long he won't recognize happiness or love when it appears, and his dad says that they don't want to see him on the show again.  Good points, guys!

Nick meets the women by some lake or whatever, and surprises the other Danielle, not the neonatal nurse but the good dancer, with an impromptu one-on-one date in his hometown. He regales her with funny stories about his youth and she giggles in a socially appropriate manner. They enter a bakery where they have made a cookie in the shape of Nick's face, and it appears that the date will be making cookies together.  How sweet.  Vomit. And now they kiss, but she keeps giggling, which means she's nervous.  Nick passes a store window and sees an ex-girlfriend inside.  It's unclear whether this was staged or whether Nick literally has slept with every woman in creation.  The couple sits down with Nick's ex, which is bizarro, and the ex asks Danielle if she has any questions about Nick, and she says that Nick backs out if he's not really invested in a woman.  What a job interview answer.

Danielle and Nick walk through the rain in a field.  For probably the fifth time in ten minutes, he mentions his dating history, saying that in fact he may have lost his virginity in the field they're in.  Way to create a mood. A mood of awkwardness. They discuss their past highschool boyfriends and girlfriends, and kiss. I'm all for knowing a partner's dating history, but this is a bit excessive.

At dinner, Nick wants to discuss deeper topics, and they quickly move to the subject of Danielle's parents' divorce, and how she was blindsided because they had previously been so romantic with each other. She says she doesn't want to rush into a relationship or a marriage because she wants to be sure and not get divorced.  So why are you here, Danielle? She says she didn't "research" Nick before the show because she wants to discover him herself.  She gets the rose because she's hot and also seems ready to enter Nick's delusion that this show is a normative way to enter into a healthy long-term relationship.  Then they enter into a concert hall filled with cheering fans and some dude who kind of resembles Nick serenades them with country music while they make out. Just another day.

Group date on a farm.  Nick bottle feeds a cow and the women's ovaries applaud.  Corinne isn't feeling the farm, particularly the flies, because she could afford to buy the farm with her weekly allowance from her dad.  Nick is unable to milk a cow, which seems kind of staged because he said he grew up around dairy farms, and then the women help him out. The women then shovel out the cows' stalls, which is a new low for the dates on this show.  Corinne sits outside and tells the interviewer that she "needs sushi," which indicates to me that she is milking, no pun intended, her "princess" image for all its worth, in a media savvy way that will at least get her onto Bachelor Pad.

Evening portion of the group date.  Nick and the sultry Russian, Kristina, share a moment and he implies that he will give her a one-on-one at some point soon, in order to make out with her, I mean, learn more about her.  Apparently she had a difficult past, which prepared her well for the cut-throat competition on the Bachelor.  The girls talk smack about Corinne again, and in her interview, she grabs her own boobs and says, "Is THIS immature?" and describes herself as a cornhusk of information that is buttery and juicy.  No typos in that sentence.

Vanessa's students made Nick a scrapbook, which foreshadows that he will meet them during a hometown date one day despite her earlier complaining.  Corinne confronts the women en masse about how they all talk about her. Sara asks, "Do you think you're genuinely ready to marry a 36 year old man?" Corinne apologizes for sleeping, saying she didn't mean to offend anyone by taking a nap.  Sara says that she didn't shovel $%$# like the rest of them, and Corinne responds that she lost circulation in her fingers when shoveling and "almost had to go to the hospital."  This appears to be a stalemate.

Nick and Rachel talk on the couch and use therapy-speak to validate each other for opening up. They make out, and she appears to be a contender. Kristina tells Corinne that she has defended her from day one, but asks if she could handle marriage.  I am sure she can, as she will get her nanny to service Nick on the nights when she is sleeping. Kristina says that she should have shown up to the rose ceremony, and Corinne says she had a panic attack and couldn't come.  Except she was sleeping, not having a panic attack.  Corinne tells Nick that the girls are bothering her, and he says she handled everything maturely, but they don't kiss, which bothers her.  Kristina gets the rose, which shocks her and everyone else.

One-on-one in Nick's hometown with Raven.  She gets to meet Bella, his 11 year old sister, and they play soccer with Bella's team. He plays goalie, and Raven swoons, imagining him as a "father and family man." Then Raven gets to meet his parents, which seems to make her really nervous.  Nick says that "two really important women in his life, Raven and Bella, are both bringing their A game." Yup, his sister, and a woman he has hung out with for maybe 8 consecutive hours maximum. Nick, Bella, and Raven go to a roller skating arcade place.  Bella, who is now the most popular kid in whatever grade she's in because of her appearance on this show, talks with Raven at the arcade place about Nick and having a big family.  Bella says Raven is funny and pretty and would want her as a sister-in-law, so she has to get the rose. They skate around and kiss and laugh, and blah blah blah young love.  Except he's 36.

Evening date.  Raven wears a dress that shows her boobs off and they eat dinner in some weird place that looks like the set of the Jetsons.  She discusses her prior relationship, where she walked into her boyfriend's house and found him "thrusting" into another woman.  She discusses how violently she reacted and Nick looks kind of frightened.  They discuss that they've both been cheated on and how it made them feel, and Raven says she learned her own self-worth from dealing with that.  She gets the rose.  Now they're on skates again, so perhaps they were eating in the cleared out Skateland place?  Weird.

Cocktail party. Danielle and her boobs steal Nick at first, which annoys Taylor, but then again, what doesn't? Taylor interrupts them outside by the fire, and he kisses and hugs her. Corinne and some blonde discuss that Taylor is always rude to Corinne, and Corinne intends to confront Taylor, backed up by this second blonde.  Corinne says Taylor is fake and thinks she's better than everyone else, which is fairly true.  Taylor educates Corinne on the different types of intelligences, which is patronizing, and Corinne tells her, "You feel that you're superior... to people." Taylor tells the camera that she's just trying to explain to Corinne that she's emotionally unintelligent, which isn't terribly nice of a goal.  Next week, the drama between Corinne and Taylor continues, and some other crap happens.  Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Corinne May Not Be As Dumb As She Looks, Acts, And Sounds.

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