We open with the women discussing that Taylor expected to win the two-on-one, which she didn't. Then we cut to Nick and Corinne at dinner, which is interrupted by Taylor, who stalks in and calls Corinne a liar. She asks to talk to Nick alone, and tells him that he was lied to, and that Corinne is making Taylor look like a bully, which Taylor insists isn't true, and Taylor goes on to say that the other women in the house don't like Corinne either. Nick says he doesn't think Taylor is a bully and he appreciates her sincerity. Then he returns to Corinne at the table, and says his decision was about "where his heart was," not what either woman says about the other. Spoiler: it's in his chest cavity. Nick and Corinne continue their date with making out and staring into each other's eyes. Her boobs are exposed to full effect, enjoying the night air.
Cocktail party. The women approach the New Orleans mansion, wearing beautiful dresses which attempt to draw attention away from their massive inferiority complexes. But wait! Chris Harrison says there will be no cocktail party, because Nick knows what he wants to do. And it's have sex with all the women at once. But nobody says that last part. Nick addresses the women and thanks them for an amazing week. The roses are given out one by one to adoring and grateful recipients. And who didn't make the cut? The curly haired bisexual, the tall blonde, and SHARK COSTUME GIRL! I have no idea how she stayed for that long. While the rejects cry and leave, the winner's circle finds out that they're headed to St. Thomas!
Next stop: scenic and beautiful St. Thomas, where the ladies frolic along the shore. Who's your favorite this season? Mine is Rachel, the attorney. But Kristina, the mysterious Russian, gets her first one-on-one. The two fly away on a seaplane. Jasmine cries with jealousy, and the other women comfort her. Nick and Kristina drink beer and kiss on a secluded island. They talk about her family, and he finds her "fascinating." He thinks she's guarded and wants to "knock down her walls," and we see that in this relationship, he will be the pursuer and she will be the distancer.
Back at the house, Lorna, the maid, introduces herself to the girls. Corinne bonds to her instantly and says she's the St. Thomas version of the nanny she has at home. She is like a small child.
Back on the one-on-one, Nick and Kristina sit down to dinner, and he tries to plumb her depths again. Since it's not fantasy suite time, he must use his words and not his penis. Disappointing. She says that growing up, she didn't really have much, and we can see his rescue fantasy come to life. She says her mom wasn't around much, and she remembers not having any food and having to eat a lipstick. She ran away as a small child and ended up in an orphanage, where her mother never came to visit her. She says many turned to prostitution in Russia, and she didn't want that, so, at age 12, she came to America and left her sister and friends behind for a new life and a new chance. She cries remembering her friends from the orphanage, and this is the most serious we've ever gotten on the Bachelor. Nick talks about her "mature grasp and appreciation for life" and of course she gets the rose. Don't worry, Kristina, even if Nick doesn't marry you, dudes are going to be coming out of the woodwork to take care of you and make up for your unhappy childhood. Many will be far cuter than Nick.
We adjourn to a group date on a boat headed to the beach. At the beach, the women play volleyball and show off their hot pre-baby bodies. Nick, it's a feast for the senses. Corinne gets upset that she didn't get enough attention so she goes off to take a nap. Nick goes after her to get her back, which annoys the neonatal nurse. Then, Jasmine gets uber-competitive during the game, out of apparent frustration that she hasn't gotten a one-on-one yet. And something must be in the air, because Vanessa also appears to be having somewhat of a nervous breakdown about not having enough time with Nick. This group date is going awry, with all the women resenting Nick. Even the calm neonatal nurse starts to cry! Nick's voiceover indicates that he's aware that the date is devolving into a disaster. What an insightful guy.
Evening. Nick "steals Rachel away" after the initial toast, because she's his favorite. She says that she hates group dates, and he says, "I would wig out if you left," or something absurd like that. Jasmine says everyone is getting validation except her. Raven says, "Jas is making a turn into the emotional side," which is code for "going bat#$% crazy." Jasmine tells the camera that she is planning to tell Nick "to his face: don't you dare overlook me." That should go well.
Nick finally asks to "steal" Jasmine, and the other women are worried because they know how insane she's acting. Jasmine immediately launches into a diatribe about being overlooked, and how upset she is that she hasn't had a one-on-one yet. She starts crying, saying she sees a future with him and she's "been the realest person in this whole thing" but hasn't had a chance to show him her true (crazy) self yet. She says she "wants to choke him so bad" but when she sees how much that freaks him out, she tries to backtrack and say it's a sexual thing called a "chokey," and asks if he wants one from her, and she says that she can be the first girl to give him one, and he is even more weirded out, and this gets cringingly (chokingly?) awkward. He then tells her that it may be best to say goodbye. After leaving, she tells the camera that Nick doesn't know what he wants. This is untrue, as it certainly appears that he does not want to be choked.
Two-on-one with Danielle L. and Whitney. Who the heck is Whitney? Did they just insert her into the show this episode? Oh, she's the Pilates instructor! Nick takes "Whitney" aside to tell her that she's really attractive. So he's going deep on this date. Next he talks to Danielle L., who apparently is called "D-Lo" in the house by the women, and tells her how well their first hometown date went, and then he tells her to wait a moment, and he returns to Whitney. He tells Whitney that he can't give her the rose. That was quick, to the point of insulting. She says that it's easier to envision a relationship when you've spent more time with the person, implying that she and he haven't spent as much time together as he has with Danielle L., but he kicks her to the curb anyway. Super weird. Why did he even take her on the damn date? Is he allergic to hot Pilates instructors? Another potential Bachelor Pad contestant. She cries as the helicopter flies away with Nick and Danielle L. inside.
Nick and Danielle L. sit down to dinner and talk about how much fun they had dancing on their one-on-one. It is evident that she isn't as smart as he is. He asks her to describe her ideal relationship in a few words. She says "love and trust" and he says, "Adventurous. Raw." WTF. Take a CrossFit class, Nick. Danielle says that she feels that she and Nick are on the same page and that she's falling in love with Nick. But, hearing that, he doesn't look terribly happy. She starts to look worried, and for good reason. He's dead silent. In his interview, he starts crying, saying that he feels differently. He tells her that he wanted to fall in love with her and to give her the rose, but in his heart, he can't. And maybe it's him. And he's sorry. Et cetera. She drives away in the limo, crying, saying maybe he's overanalyzing his relationships, and she doesn't know why he changed his mind about her. Poor Danielle L. Nick worries, "Maybe it's me that unable to reciprocate the type of love she's ready to give... Maybe I want this so bad that I'm trying too hard to make it work." Good self-reflection, Nickerdoodle.
Nick comes crying to the other women in the hotel, telling them he sent both women home. He shares (unnecessarily) that he had been really into Danielle L., till it "fell flat." He cries that his biggest fear is that something like that could happen with the other women, the women whom he is addressing (again, unnecessarily) in this pity party. He says "I don't know if I can keep doing this," which is a total overdramatic lie. The women wonder, "What happens now?" and they watch Nick run off to the limo. Next episode, we see whether Nick really left the show or whether he's having a tantrum that will resolve shortly before the sex dates, I mean, Fantasy Suite dates, start. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Also Next Time Corinne Tries To Sleep With Him, But That Goes Without Saying.
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