The Bachelor Recap: Episode 5, With Confusing Caila And Odiferous Olivia

We open with Beneric taking Odiferous Olivia (OO) aside to ask her about why the women all hate her, besides her calling the MILF "Teen Mom" which I think sounds like an awesome compliment from the other side of 30.  OO makes up a load of BS, the old "strong women are considered b^&$'s argument." She says the other women like to do their nails and she likes to read books in her room.  Books like The Art of War.  Then she breaks out the waterworks, but Beneric doesn't seem too impressed.  First of all, he probably has never read a book in his life so this was the wrong tactic, OO.

Beneric gives out the roses, and Emily the twin worries about being thought of as a tattletale because she tattled on OO.  She has the emotional maturity of a fetus.  But never fear, Emily gets a rose and some brunette nobody cares about leaves.

The girls go to the Bahamas, I think, either way it's tropical and a great ad for whatever hotel they're staying at.  Caila gets a one-on-one, and that's her second, while other girls have gotten none. Beneric is not shy about his affections.  He takes her deep sea fishing.  Images of Beneric and Caila canoodling in swimsuits are juxtaposed with the mental deterioration of Leah back at the house, who wonders, sobbingly, why she hasn't gotten a one-on-one yet.  Answer: who cares.

Beneric tells the camera that he wants to know what's beneath Caila's bubbly surface. He tells her she smiles a lot and it worries him because he wants her to be vulnerable.  She says he's putting her on the spot.  My four year old says I look like Caila and I take a second to write the other two kids out of my will.  Caila is upset that Beneric wants her to open up and she says her greatest fear is that she can't completely fall in love with someone and her greatest fear is breaking her heart and she is concerned that she will hurt him.  Whoa.  This is unexpected in the extreme.  Maybe she's just not into him, but previous to this it seemed like she was super into him.  Weird.

Caila says she is a confusing person.  This draws Beneric in like catnip.  Caila now says she's falling in love. She feels understood when she's with him.  She says she understands him in a deeper way, and he wants other people to be loved, and she wants him in her life.  Translation: she knows he'll always love her more than she loves him, and she'll be put on a pedestal throughout their relationship, and this is better than the bad boys that she wants to have sex with.  Okay, good long term mating strategy, Caila.  You'll end up with a bunch of kids and jewelry for every major occasion.

Beneric says Caila being confusing is attractive, which is really common among dudes.  Moral of the story for women: play hard to get emotionally even if you're literally on a show about marriage within weeks and it would seem completely ridiculous to pretend that you're emotionally hard to get.

Leah goes on the group dates despite feeling like crap about herself due to no one-on-ones. They are on a boat and there end up being some wild pigs that start swimming around their boat.  And everyone is all excited, because Fun Whimsical Anecdote.

Beneric talks in the ocean with Jojo who is "struggling" with being on the show, as per usual.  OO stands with a pig in the background, which has to smell worse than her, so that's a positive.  Leah hopes Beneric knows she expected a one-on-one and I am doubtful, as it seems he could care less about her. She confronts him about this and starts crying, which decreases her chances of him liking her even more, because it's pathetic and not just insane and guys are more into the latter.  He says if she really wants time with him, she can seek him out during group dates.  Bam!

Becca tells Beneric that she feels insecure about his connection with Lauren B.  Then she says she really really likes him and they make out.  Next, Beneric and the MILF make out.  I guess he is accomplishing his goal of being "open to everyone."  Open heart, open mouth.  That should be the new tagline for the show.

Emily and OO are going on the two-on-one so bye bye Emily.  Or maybe I'm wrong.  Hopefully, because I need some more surprises in my life besides my daughter's school having yet another two hour opening delay due to a dusting of snow (WTF?!).

Beneric takes Lauren B. aside and says he's worried because other people in the house don't think she's genuine, due to Leah's comments earlier that I must have dissociated through.  That must be what happens to guys when women start crying and yelling!  Whoa. Mind blown.

Lauren goes back to the girls and cries.  Leah outright lies about not having mentioned Lauren B. to Beneric.  Does this mean I actually have to go back and rewatch this portion to determine the truth?  Hell no. The MILF gets the rose, and is sweet and gracious as usual.

The girls talk smack about Leah talking smack about Lauren.  They parade out the same old (true) cliche about girls throwing girls under the bus only they are intimidated by them.  True dat.

Commercial for Kay Jewelers.  Are Millennials into "chocolate diamond" rings?  Because if not, bad ad placement.  OMG, Viagra ad where a hot woman in her late 20's hangs out in her bedroom in a football jersey, throwing a football up and down and putting perfume on in the implicit expectation of chemically enhanced banging.  This is literally like they did a focus group and asked men what they like and they were like, "women, football, sex" and then they made an ad.

Leah goes right back to Beneric again and talks more smack about Lauren.  She says that Lauren has the temerity to observe that other women may end up with Beneric.  Blasphemy and obviously indicative that she is Not Here For The Right Reasons.  Beneric reflects that the more Leah talks about Lauren B, the more of a disconnect he feels.  He tells her they're missing something, and he sends her packing.

Twin Emily with OO on two-on-one date. OO talks about herself endlessly and tells Beneric she's in love with him.  She also tells the camera that their love is "all consuming and constantly progressing like the Zika virus" except without that last part. Twin Emily and Beneric have a really good conversation and he touches her windswept hair and we know OO is out.  Beneric picks up the rose and takes OO aside and tells her she's special, which is the Kiss of Death.  And that he doesn't reciprocate her feelings.  OO looks really upset.  Poor OO.

Beneric gives Emily the rose, and OO cries and gets left on the island while Beneric and Emily sail away on their boat.  Sad face.

Hurricane during the cocktail party and inevitable comparison made between emotions and weather.  Beneric decides to skip the cocktail party and the women are super upset because they always think that this one last interaction will make or break it.  They're probably right, actually, since this whole show is like a few weeks long.

Rose ceremony.  Lauren H., the kindergarten teacher, is out.  I knew he wasn't that into her.  She needs to go to a bar where she'd be the hottest girl in the room, because in this sexy blonde harem, she's too teacher-y. She cries and departs.  On this season of The Bachelor: cliffs, cliffhangers, windswept blonde hair, love, hand holding, boobs, baseball, lighthouses, Caila in a bra or bikini top, Beneric being in love with two girls, LOL HOLD UP, he tells two girls he loves them.  LOL I can't.  This is hilarious.  Oh then he calls Mommy to decide.  OMG.  Anyway, see you next week, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, They Aren't Supposed To Say They Love Two People, THAT'S NOT ROMANTIC, BENERIC.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.