ric brings the women to Warsaw Indiana population 12 including him, and meets his parents at a diner right out of a Norman Rockwell painting, if he painted diners. Beneric tells his hot-ish dad that he can't decide which of the women to bang, but he tells him that with his eyes only, because his generic mom is also sitting at the table. The women tell the camera that they want to marry Beneric and have his babies and live in this "adorable" small town with him forever. Shoot, that means Emily the twin may have to defer her post-doctoral studies in neuroscience. I mean, nail art.
Beneric drives the remaining Lauren around in his red pickup truck. He makes some self-deprecating comments about his lack of game with women as a young buck, and gets a kiss from Lauren. Amanda the MILF aesthetician, back at the house, discussing the idea of Beneric meeting her kids one day, and she's nervous about it, because um you're having your kids meet this random dude on TV.
Beneric and Lauren go into an elementary school gym, where Beneric worked coaching basketball, because he'll be a great dad one day, because dads are kind of generic anyway. The little girls all like Lauren because she's hot and blonde. So basically little girls are as looks-obsessed as older guys. Beneric brings a professional athlete of some sort to meet the kids and Lauren quickly decides to switch her romantic attentions to him instead of Beneric. Just kidding but that would have been hilarious.
Lauren makes a basket, so we already know they will give birth to awesome athletic uber-children. Beneric comforts a crying child because he's such a good guy. All the little girls want Beneric and Lauren to get married, and this one experience reinforces their idea of love as a fairytale and makes their future marriages less satisfying. Sorry, little girls.
Beneric and Lauren walk hand in hand down the streets of Warsaw. They discuss how Beneric was told that Lauren wasn't the same with the girls as with him. She says she was so upset by that because she is so into him and doesn't want him to think badly of her. Blah blah. He says he does trust her and he does care about her and she tells him how happy he makes her. They go to his favorite dive bar and he introduces her to some of his friends, and everything is happy and romantic and Lauren tells the camera that she's in love with Beneric, and she is glowing. Aww. Young love.
Next one-on-one with Jojo. She jumps into his arms. They go into the Cubs stadium, "my dad and I's favorite team." Grammar isn't Beneric's strong suit, but then again he looks good in a baseball jersey so whatever. I think the official name is "Wrigley Field." The two of them cavort, playing baseball and hugging. He says he's more himself with Jojo than any other woman in his life, and whoever his future wife is will rewind that part of this show over and over and never forget it and hate him because he said it. Back at the house Emily cries with joy over having the next one-on-one.
Beneric and Jojo talk about how she withdraws when she is scared (because she is avoidant attachment, Beneric). Jojo says she was hurt before so she finds it hard to blah blah blah.
Group date. They are rowing boats on the water. Caila and Beneric cavort with kites in a meadow like it's a tampon commercial. No matter how high you leap or how vigorously you toss your head, Caila, that tampon won't move! Beneric and the MILF hold hands and sit on a stump in front of a tractor. They discuss the possibility of him meeting her kids, and nobody doubts he will meet the two little rascals, because what a TV opp that will be.
Becca the robotic virgin says she feels like Beneric doesn't feel more for her than the other girls. She says, "I need SOMETHING." Maybe the something is a penis. Try it, Becca. Maybe sex will lead to a wider range of facial expressions for you.
Caila and Beneric make out. She worries if her hometown visit will be as "impactful" as his hometown. Then she shows him a marketing powerpoint. Not really. She says, "I picture myself as moss and I've always been figuring out the perfect tree to grow with, and wherever he wants to grow, I'll grow." Come on, don't singlehandedly embarrass your entire gender, Caila.
The rose goes to the MILF, because women with kids are hotter than women without kids. Yes that's the lesson I want to draw from this. La la la I can't hear you. Becca cries and wonders, "where do we go from here?" I think to a Geico commercial, and I'm right Beneric and MILF go to McDonald's because, product placement. Jeez, the MILF has no luck, she goes from taking care of two small kids to passing out food through the McDonald's drive through window. Drudgery to drudgery. Why not make her clean garbage off the side of the highway as the next "fun date"? Now they go to a surprise carnival, and the mayor of Warsaw is there. With this town name I keep thinking we're in a WWII movie.
Beneric and Emily the twin go on a date, and he tells the camera that she's more mature since her sister left. They canoodle and the girls back at the house sulk, envisioning them canoodling. Emily gets to meet Beneric's parents, which is totally not fair to the other girls and oh my God I've been watching this show for too long and it's infiltrating my thought processes. Emily acts awkward with his family and can barely talk straight. Caila tells the camera that her relationship with Beneric is deeper than his with Emily because Emily is a "bright eyed puppy."
Beneric's dad gushes about Emily being attractive. Yup. Dump the ball and chain, Daddy-o, and you can have a shot with her twin. Beneric's mom thinks Emily is too young. Give her a passel of kids and she'll age right quick. Beneric's mom cries because she's scared of whether Emily can handle the serious parts of life. Calm down, Ma Higgins. She is a nice girl. So what if she isn't a rocket scientist. Mom says she isn't ready to be a wife, but she seems just as ready as anyone else on this show.
Uh oh, sad music. Emily is going to get kicked to the curb. I can't be too empathic because she is a hot blonde 23 year old twin and some man is going to snap her up on the flight back home. Bam, Beneric is dumping her. He just can't see her being his wife. Aww. That was mean, Beneric. You could have phrased that less bluntly.
Rose ceremony. Beneric talks to Chris Harrison about being confused because everything is so hard and he would basically marry any hot blonde and there are a few of them so HOW DOES HE PICK?? Anyway, he recovers from this existential breakdown and gets rid of Becca the virgin robot, who cries all the way home in the limo. Next week, hometown visits, the MILF's tantrumming kids, and Jojo's brothers threaten Beneric. Ooh, fun times. See you next week, and I remain, The Blogapist Who Thinks Beneric Can Take Jojo's Brother. Ha Ha Yeah Right.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.