The men are upset that Chad got to stick around after he alienated everyone last week, and that Jojo seems to like him despite his dickwad behavior. They mock his interest in carb counting and weight lifting. Why is this dumber than any other hobby? Unclear.
Jojo takes Chase on a one-on-one yoga date so that "him and I" can get closer, and also ignore grammatical rules that preclude the open expression of their burgeoning sexuality. They watch the teacher who shows them how to have an "angergasm" on the floor. So sexy. Not really.
Back at the house, Chad and Daniel lift weights together, and the guys make fun of them for grunting and for being in good shape.
Jojo is getting more and more attracted to Chase during the yoga date, because he's "chiseled." They tantric breathe into each other's faces while she straddles him and if they don't kiss he's a wussy... BAM, they're kissing. Pretty hot stuff, guys. The Bachelorette is turning into soft core porn, so men, take note that watching this show with your wife may lead to some perks for you.
Whoa, check out this awesome Kohl's commercial where the couple is going jogging with their baby and the woman has an actual body of someone that has had a baby! For real. This commercial, at least the one on Hulu, is worth watching this show for. Could this be a harbinger of a new age of body acceptance in commercials? Hope so. And now back to the perfect looking Jojo. Baby steps.
Jojo and Chase discussing feeling connected during the yoga session, and he talks about his parents getting divorced when he was eight. He says how it's so important to meet the right person to marry, and she's totally feeling it. Note: talking about commitment makes women feel warm and mushy. She says, "He values the sanctity of marriage and it makes me [want to go down on him]." Just translated her real thoughts for you, you're welcome. She gives him the rose, obv.
Someone named Charles Kelly gives them a private concert and they make out. I just typed that before they started making out but what do you know, I must be psychic, because now they are Chase says that Jojo makes him feel completed and he can't believe how right it feels already. Ah, young love.
Back at the house, conflict erupts between Chad, the Designated Villain, and the other guys. Chad insults the ex-football player by saying all he's done is throw a piece of leather. Alex the marine calls Chad a piece of $%^% and they say they aren't scared of each other. Will there be a Real Fight? That would be novel, I don't think guys have ever had an actual physical fight on this show, at least not sober.
Group date, guess the fight didn't happen. Chad says he doesn't want to go on a date with 11 other guys, well sorry, wrong show for you. The limo pulls up and Jojo is looking "amazing," according to the guys. They are in front of a theater so public humiliation should be on the agenda. There is a woman having an orgasm on stage, fully dressed, talking about her sexual fantasies. Told you this was softcore porn now. This is apparently a show about Sex Stories, and everyone is going to have to share their sex stories. Jojo discusses how intimacy is important in relationships, and how it's essential to be able to talk about sex, and all the female viewers who are married with kids say, "Yup, that's how we felt before having kids too, Jojo Bean. Wait a couple years and you'll slow your roll a bit."
The guys are embarrassed and start preparing to tell their sex stories. Chad says he doesn't want to talk about his or Jojo's sexual pasts. You're probably crap in bed, Chad. No curiosity, closedminded, and obnoxious. Alex and Evan, the erectile specialist, plot how to embarrass Chad publicly.
Grant the fireman is first, and he lost his virginity at 16, and so did Chase. A year earlier than average, which makes sense given that they are hot dudes. Daniel talks about tying up a girl and cutting her hair, so that's weird. Evan comes up and apparently he's going to humiliate Chad now but we don't know how. Now he says how he's an erectile dysfunction specialist and he wants to talk about guys who use steroids and how it makes them irritable, withdraw from people, and basically act like Chad. Chad sits there getting more and more angry, and looks like he is going to murder Evan.
When Evan goes to sit down, Chad seems to reach out and rip Evan's shirt, and Jojo says that resorting to violence isn't the answer to whatever beef they are having. Then Chad goes onstage and asks Jojo to come up with him, and says, "Today isn't about the past it's about the future," and he tries to kiss Jojo, and she turns her head to the side and says, "No, no." Total humiliation. Chad goes backstage and Evan says it was all in good fun and Chad looks like he's going to cry. Then he says if he can't lift weights he's going to murder someone, and the guys say it's roid rage.
Group date party. Jordan the football player talks about his ex-girlfriend and how he has learned from that relationship, and he and Jojo both talk about how they have both learned to be more emotionally open. Picture this conversation between a pioneer couple on the prairie. Relationships are bizarrely different in the past 100 years, even the past 50. Jojo seems excited about Jordan. She discusses that she wants someone passionate, sweet, sensitive, loving, and deep, who has the ability to make her smile, feel special, and feel safe. That's all?
Chad comes over to interrupt Jojo with another guy, and Chad sulks and whistles right next to her. He is obviously sinking into some kind of depression, manifesting as anger. Then the guys all talk, and they ask Chad if he thinks it went well when Jojo rejected him onstage and he says she didn't want to kiss him in front of the other guys, and he gets it. I am feeling bad for Chad now. Everyone is turning on him, and it is increasingly obvious that he is very insecure and sad.
Evan comes up and starts with Chad, asking why he's here. And Chad correctly says that Evan is focusing on him and bothering him and should leave him alone. Evan is pretty obsessed with Chad, I guess because it is so super obvious that he won't end up with Jojo that he might as well spend his time on Chad.
Chad tells the camera that he is giving Jojo a breather from the other guys during the date, which is a narcissistic delusion. He then tells her he didn't want to be on the date with the other guys and wanted to wait for the one-on-one that he knows she will give to him, and Jojo tells him he may not have a one-on-one. Then she says she is confused by him and he is sweet with her and mean with the guys. She doesn't seem to be too bothered by his episode of violence with Evan.
Evan comes to Jojo and says if Chad stays, then he goes, and Jojo says he's putting her in an uncomfortable situation, and she needs time to decide. I think she'll pick Chad, because hell no she's not going to date Evan, she has no spark with him at all. And now she takes Evan aside and leads with his good heart and we know he's out, because she doesn't want to have sex with his heart. She says it's hard for her to make a decision, but then she gives him the rose! Whoa. Does this mean Chad is out? Evan has kids too though, so maybe the producers told her to keep him around because we need the date with her and the kids for "Awww" value.
Now Chad says, "Is this real? Is this a real scenario right now? Are you right now vibing this dude?" She says, "I don't appreciate what you're doing. You are being disrespectful and I don't like this side of you." If she doesn't get rid of him at the rose ceremony, she's a fool. Chad seems like a sad and damaged guy. He says, "No girl on planet Earth ever chooses Evan for anything, unless it's like to sweep their front yard." It seems like this is messing with his entire worldview.
Jojo and James go on a one-on-one to see if "him and I connect emotionally." They dress up in 40's clothes and go to a swing dancing lesson that turns into a whole swing dancing street party. What is this, a musical? Let's get back to the sex stuff.
Back at the house, Daniel tells Chad that they can't hang out anymore because "let's say you're like Hitler," "or Mussolini or Trump or Bush," he doesn't want to be affiliated with him, because people will associate the two of them. Chad says, "Let's not say I'm like Hitler." LOL.
On the date with James, Jojo is trying to suss out whether James is more of a friend or more of a potential husband. So she gives him three kids under 5 and a messy house and sees how he reacts. Just kidding. She sits with him and they talk, and he shares that he "wasn't the best looking kid" and the other kids made fun of him, so he considers himself the underdog. Now she's going to keep him, I know it. He says he never thinks that the good looking girls will like him. She compliments him, saying he is good looking and kind and funny, and now she gives him the rose. Guys, that "you're out of my league" thing works every time, especially if it's sincere. James serenades her with his guitar, they make out, and she says she can see a future with him.
Jojo cancels the cocktail party and everyone is sad till they realize she's making it an all-day pool party instead! How easily their feelings change. Men, so emotional. Evan follows Chris Harrison out to tattle on Chad for pulling his shirt and punching a door. Chad lifts weights ominously in the background. Chris Harrison tells Chad that the men are scared of him and he says that's ridiculous. Chris tells him to go settle it with the guys, and.... THE END! But don't worry, tomorrow, this will all continue on the second part of this two part Bachelorette event, in which some people bleed from their faces. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Steroids Are No Fun, Kids.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. Learn about Dr. Rodman's private practice here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.