The Bachelorette Finale: Which Decision Would Suck More?

We open with Chris Harrison and a live studio audience watching The Bachelorette on TV, which is so meta.  On the show within a show, we see that both Nick and Shawn want to spend the rest of their lives with Kaitlyn.  We see Kaitlyn's family, and her sister is about to drop dead with envy but is concealing it.  She tries to tell her mom that she had sex with Nick without saying it explicitly.  Her mom is shocked, although that could just be her false eyelashes.  Kaitlyn tells her mom that her relationship with Nick is so physical that it concerns her, which speaks to the fact that millenials are really open with their parents to a degree that skeeves out other generations (who know what "skeeves out" means).

Nick and his facial hair show up for a family visit. She tells him that she told her mom about the sex and he looks pretty uncomfortable, obviously.  Kaitlyn's sister says that Nick isn't Kaitlyn's usual type. Kaitlyn's mom says that she previously thought that Nick was possessive, jealous, and arrogant, so she's basically my spirit animal.  She asks Nick to explain the attraction between him and Kaitlyn, and it starts to get weird.  Then Nick says he will propose to Kaitlyn if she picks him, and he starts crying, and the mom starts crying.  She says, "When Nick got emotional, that showed me his heart."

Now Nick talks to Kaitlyn's dad (they're divorced and both remarried), and he seems a bit nonplussed but he goes with the flow and gives his blessing for Nick to propose.  Nick and Kaitlyn stand against the car and make out and he tells her he will marry her if given the chance.  I'm thinking he's in.  Maybe they'll even last and actually get married and have hipster babies.

Now it's Shawn's turn.  Prior to him coming in, the mom says she's worried that he's jealous.  No need to worry, we already know that he is. Shawn buys the sister some toys for her kids and hits it out of the park and right into her sexual fantasies for that evening, and every evening forever.  I bet one of his sisters told him to do that.  Shawn says last season he took a picture of Kaitlyn getting sent home on the Bachelor and sent it to his friends, with a caption "I'm coming for you."  Which means his friends are extremely comfortable with emotional expression and/or all females.

Kaitlyn's dad likes Shawn's "way with words," for real.  He makes a toast at lunch and her mom says, "Wow, there's a man."  No secret who Kaitlyn gets her sex drive from.  Now the mom takes Shawn aside to ask about his jealousy, particularly about the whole sex with Nick issue.  Shawn says that in a monogamous relationship, he wouldn't worry about it (yeah, right) and that if they can get through something as crazy as this, it's a good sign for getting through life.

Her sister says she prefers Shawn, and Shawn asks the mom and dad for their blessing to propose to her.  Why do people still do this?  I bet it ends in future episodes, because a woman can pick her own husband without a blessing.  Men don't get blessings from their parents.  In fact I bet in a few years, the Bachelorette will propose during her season, and the Bachelor will propose on his season.  You heard it here first.

We're up to the last dates before the final rose.  Nick is first.  Do they do the fantasy suite again, or is that besides the point now?  She seems to be really into Nick and talks about her "undeniable connection" with him.  Yet, she also "needs clarity" because she's close to Shawn too.  I say they do a sex contest, and her sister can determine who's the better lover. Nick and Kaitlyn reminisce about how he joined the Bachelorette in New York and how surprised she was.

Nick says, "I got you a gift, it's in my bedroom," and she asks three times if he's being serious (or if the present is his penis).  He gives her this framed picture of their first date and some poetry he wrote about it, and she cries, and not because it's so cheesy.  She tells the camera that she can picture Nick as her husband.  But hey, tomorrow is a new day, and she'll see Shawn, so it's a safe assumption that she'll be confused and start crying at some point soon.

Kaitlyn and Shawn have a picnic.  Now they aren't editing anything out, so the effect is to make their conversation sound stilted and boring.  She asks if he's wearing sunscreen, he says "Thanks, Mom," he asks what else is goin' on, and so forth.  It seems like things between them are dwindling. Then they start discussing that they're both thinking about the fact that there is another guy in the mix.  He is super anxious, obviously, since she's talking about Nick.

Now she comes over to his place, and if he doesn't have an awesome romantic gift ready, he's toast.  They talk about how Shawn isn't planning to watch "every single moment" of the show when it's on TV.  Good idea.  Shawn says that their life together, even with kids, would "never not be fun." Ha ha ha famous last words.  He brings out a gift, thank God, and it's a memory jar with all their pictures, notes, and mementoes.  Good job, Shawn.  Cue the tears. "Whatever I do, I'm going to hurt somebody."  99 problems and a low libido ain't one.

We see shirtless Shawn gazing introspectively into the distance.  Neil Lane comes in and he picks out a ring that I bet will never get out of the box.  Now we see Nick sipping coffee and thinking about how Kaitlyn is going to kick Shawn to the curb.  Then he welcomes Neil Lane and they BS a bit about how last time that Nick expected to see Neil Lane, it was Andi showing up to dump him.  Ho ho.

Kaitlyn arrives at the proposal/dumping spot in a limo.  Now the guys come, and.... WTF?  Nick gets out first?  So she's going to send him home?  Or wait, maybe in some other seasons she accepts the first guy and then rejects the second?  No, I don't think that ever happens, it always ends on the high note of the proposal.  Wow, this is nuts.  I totally thought she'd go for him.  Now he starts talking about how great she is and how happy he is, et cetera.  He says he's hers forever if she'll have him, and she looks sick.  Then he starts to go down on one knee and she stops him and he says, "No?"

This is totally horrible.  I feel so bad for Nick.  Everyone thought it was him!  She says her heart is with somebody else, but she needed all this time with Nick to figure it out.  She continues to go on and on about how she loved him, and he says he doesn't need to hear it, and she says it was all real to her, and he says it couldn't have been that real to her.  She's crying and I don't know why she isn't just letting him leave.  Poor Nick.  He says, "You don't love me."  Am I the only one totally shocked here?  I mean, even Shawn's going to be shocked.  Nick leaves in the limo, saying that she told him she loved him multiple times, and this is a joke.  I bet he finds a girl and gets married within the year.  He's ready and done being humiliated by girls who sleep with him and then reject him on reality TV.

Shawn arrives, and they kiss.  He starts to talk about how awesome she is.  They gaze meaningfully into each other's eyes.  He uses every known cliche in his speech, including "partner in crime."  She says she is his and will always be faithful to him.  I guess girls go for the jealous, tortured type.  Now Shawn gets down on one kneee and brings out his huge ass ring, and proposes, and she says yes.  Now we get to the most awkward part of the show, where the camera stays on them after the proposal and they kind of just hang out there and talk about how excited they are.

Well, readers, thanks for following along with me during this annoying season.  Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, They'll Have Super Smart, Non-Impulsive Kids.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. Pre-order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family.