Last week we took a hiatus from The Bachelorette, but thankfully, today we are back with Jojo and her harem of hot dudes. We open with Jojo packing her suitcase in Buenos Aires, and walking out of the hotel in her boots and slim black pants and perfectly done hair, with an air of thoughtfulness and poise about her, kind of how I look now, at 6:38 a.m. trying to fit this Bachelorette recap in before camp drop-off and work, except not at all.
Chris Harrison comes in and reminds the guys what's on the line, i.e., their hopes, dreams, dignity, and the chance to have sex with Jojo. Alex talks, and I just don't like him. He gets a one on one and I predict he's going home. She's not going to date him because he's both arrogant and short and she only does one of those. And it's not short.
Alex and Jojo ride in the limo; she inclines towards him but he is too insecure and shy to respond, and instead of looking into her eyes and talking, or even kissing, they end up doing some weird thumb wrestling thing. He says Jojo is going to need to show that she's into him, and she is, but he isn't showing anything romantic at all towards her. They share nachos and discuss the scenery. They seem to have a friend connection and that's all. Alex, you're shooting yourself in the foot, dude. Everyone who has ever been "friend zoned," check out What Not To Do, and it involves shoving your face full of nachos in a girl's face. Back on the group bus, the guys rap (literally; the producers made them) about how short Alex is.
Why does every single guy on this have a tattoo? Another trend I missed, where every single human has a tattoo. I should get them for my kids to set them up to be on trend. On fleek? Let's stop.
Alex and Jojo dress up as gauchos and she says he's a "cute little gaucho" which bodes poorly. Elsewhere, the guys eat together as a group, and Jordan says he's "the pickiest eater there is" which would be such a display of wussiness anywhere else in the world but America. Jojo can't get onto the horse, and Alex gets to sneak in a grope to help her up, but then apologizes and averts his eyes like a priest. They ride horses next to each other, which is the closest they are going to get to having intercourse.
Bizarrely, it appears that Jojo is into Alex, but I stand by my assertion that he's never gonna get any, in any meaningful sense. The gaucho speaks to his horse, who is laying down, and the horse and the gaucho cuddle and love each other like Alex and Jojo never will. Alex and Jojo lay by the horse and hold hands and canoodle (no kissing) and she says she, like the horse, feels relaxed after a massage, and Alex makes no allusions to massaging her later. Then Jojo says, "You can lean over and kiss me," and he does. She says she saw a sensitive side of him but still needs to have "hard conversations" to see if he should go on the hometown dates. I'm still saying no. He isn't assertive enough, and is too arrogant with the guys. Basic insecure dude.
Alex and Jojo hang out at dinner and kiss and they talk about how much fun they had and how unlikely it is that he ends up in the Fantasy Suite, except I just added that last part. They talk about hometown dates and how thinks she would "find happiness" with his family. He says he decided to be all in and he knows he's falling in love with her. There you go, Alex! Maybe now he has a shot. He is finally being vulnerable, and women love vulnerable.
But wait. Jojo doesn't look thrilled about this. In fact, she liked him better when he was a challenge. She says, "Um," which is bad. Then she says, "When you tell me you're falling in love with me, I don't feel as excited as I should feel, and that kills me." Yup, I knew it, you're out, Alex. No more face nachos with hot girls. And now he has to leave even before dinner! They should donate that food. Jojo sure as hell won't eat his portion. She walks him out and he seems pretty angry, because he feels ashamed, which is how shame manifests in dudes.
One-on-one date with Jordan. Jordan and Jojo, whose names even look cute together, go to stomp on grapes, like I Love Lucy, except they are more attractive than Lucy and Ethel. The sexual chemistry between them is palpable, unlike with her and Alex. Then they are supposed to drink the wine from the grapes they stomped, and they both look disgusted. Jojo in her cute bikini and Jordan kiss in a hot tub. Or maybe it's just a pool.
Back in the group, the guys talk smack about Jordan, because they envy him and his Superbowl box seats. Jordan and Jojo have dinner and reminisce about their fun day. She says, "I like just hanging out with you." They talk about hometowns, "if" he gets a hometown date. Of course he's getting a hometown date. Jordan says he doesn't have a good relationship with one of his brothers, and Jojo's face perks up with the idea that there may be a Deep Story here. He says that when the guys call him entitled, it "strikes a chord" because he felt he's always disappointed people throughout his life, because he wasn't as good as his brother at football, and he doesn't have a good relationship with his brother, and he wants people to see that he lives his life with humility. She's digging this BS, and thanks him for it. He says, "I am so in love with you." Bam, he wins. She says, "That makes me so happy" in a tone that means "I love you too."
At the hotel, the dudes stare out of the window introspectively prior to the group date. On the group date, Jojo feeds James Taylor french fries, as many as he can fit into his mouth at a time. Jojo laughs and what is up with guys cramming food in their faces on this show? Jojo make the men massage each other in a "massage train," because she can. Then she dares Robbie to strip down to his underwear and run through the hall. This is like if The Bachelorette was a seventh grade girl. James says that Robbie has been checking out hot women, and honestly James is a pretty big tattle tale. Unrelatedly, why is this group date taking place solely in a hotel room? This is pretty low rent for this show, even using the rain as a excuse. At the very least there should be a tantric sex expert brought in to facilitate an orgy or something.
Robbie and Jojo talk about his ex, and he says, "Everything in the relationship was wrong." I'm sure the ex appreciates hearing that on national TV. She asks if he's ready to move on after this three year relationship ended four months ago. He says yes and I believe him. He's young, he's resilient, and Jojo is hot enough to erase that other woman right out of his mind.
Jojo and Chase sit down together, and he plays with her hair and says he's confident in their relationship. Good thing he is, because I'm not. Now she sits down with James, and they discuss his family and how awesome they are and how much they...QRPI./3EFeiWPF RU9 Whoops! Fell asleep on the keyboard during that generic family-is-special speech.
The guys talk about whether they feel like front runners or not, and they posture and preen in front of each other. Jojo gives the rose to Robbie, and he is ebullient about getting to bring Jojo home to meet his "incredible" family. Chase and James go home in a car and are super depressed.
Jojo and Luke's date. She says he's good looking, smart, and expresses his feelings like no man she's ever met. They ride horses and shoot skeet and she says that he's a "real man." They discuss how awesome his family is, which is a unique topic for this show, as you've seen. He says he wants to "open up chapters, open up doors" (but probably not open up books) with her.
Cocktail party, which was early, sending the guys into a flutter of panic. Who's going to be eliminated? Either Chase or James, obviously.... and it's James. James starts crying, because he didn't apparently understand that Looks Matter and Jojo doesn't spend her time shopping and perfecting her eye makeup application in order to be tied down to a man that isn't model material. She walks him out, and he cries and says he loves what they shared, which unfortunately didn't include any bodily fluids. She cries so much at his departure that it's almost like she forgot she just rejected him.
Next week, we see that Jordan not talking to his brother is a Big Deal, that there are rumors abour Robbie and his ex, and that Jojo, like my four year old, likes dresses that look kind of like mermaid wear. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Robbie Is Definitely Banging His Ex. Or Not. Who Cares.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. Learn about Dr. Rodman's private practice here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.