Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 9, Episode 7 of ABC's "The Bachelorette."
After last week's show, ABC led us to believe that Episode 7 would be full of grown men sobbing over railings in exotic locations, holding back tears at the rose ceremony and breaking down in rejection limos. Shame on me for buying into the producers' tricky editing. There was only one emotional moment in the entire two hours and that was the Federal Prosecutor crying to his Mom. Instead of discovering Drew's huge revelation, we had to suffer through boring date after boring date, wrapped in an array of cliches and large amounts of alcohol. Grab your own adult beverage of choice and join me as I share the most memorable moments from the island of Madeira.
Brooks is on Cloud Nine
Technically, Brooks was IN Cloud Nine. He and Desiree essentially drove/climbed to the top of a mountain to sit in the clouds and discuss other "code" words that could be used to express their love without actually saying the word love. Des decided on the adjectives walking, skipping, running and finish line. Even though her list consisted of three verbs and one noun, Brooks seemed okay with the code. I blame the grammatical error on Des' earlier head injury because there's no way she could have scaled that mountain in those high wedge sandals without tumbling at least twice. At dinner, Des admitted that she's in a full-on sprint. I found that odd since "sprinting" was not one of her "code words" but I'm willing to let the lack of continuity pass. Clearly she was suffering from a concussion. It's the only thing that can explain her plastic skirt. Brooks confessed to the camera that he's nowhere near the emotional journey that Des is on. Later Des admitted to Chris Harrison that she's in love, breaking all protocol previously set forth by Fleiss and his minions. I'm intrigued. Brooks received a rose.
Chris is King of the World
Show me the bow of a boat and I'll show you someone who will inevitably reenact Jack Dawson's infamous line. Chris was eager to slather sun block on Des and she was equally excited to receive. They made their way to a desert island for a champagne picnic and a quick message in a bottle exercise. Let the record show that every single time we have witnessed Des and Chris alone, one has recited poetry to the other. This time they put pen to a sonnet that was so long I had to fast forward because I couldn't stand hearing them try to come up with another word that rhymed with rose. At dinner, Chris turned into a prepubescent tween and began twitching, sweating and dorking out because he wanted to tell Des he's finish lining her. Instead of just saying the words, he told her through iambic pentameter. "Sitting through another poem, I fear; I'll have to jam this pen in my ear." During her fireside chat with Chris Harrison, she admitted that she is falling in love with Chris. He of course got a rose.
The Federal Prosecutor is Free Falling
Chris was on like his seventh one-on-one date with Des and the Prosecutor was on his first. Strike one, dude. ABC kept showing b-roll footage of cats. Apparently they are as common as a Starbucks in America and were the most entertaining thing on this date. Strike two. A toboggan careening down the streets provided a much-needed action sequence. It's unfortunate that Des was screaming with glee as the Fed hung on for dear life and turned a suspicious shade of green. It didn't help that he was dressed for a Miami Vice reunion party, either. He began a long soliloquy about an ex-girlfriend who cheated on him and Des both emotionally and physically checked out. I personally saw the moment when her eyes glazed over for good. Strike three my friend. You're out.
Drew and Zak Race to Win Des' Heart
Des made Drew and Zak ride go-carts around a winding course and the winner would get to have the first one-on-one time with Des. I found this "prize" to be a bit of a crock since both guys actually got one-on-one time. Zak used his winnings well by settling in on the blankets spread among the foliage sticking out of the middle of tires and pulling out a sketch pad full of date memories. Naturally, his own abs were page one. They made out a little to the smell of burnt rubber before she made the switch to Drew. She lead him to four tires stacked together with a pillow on top and that's where he told her that he loves her and really, really wants her to meet his family. Actually saying "I love you" trumps a charcoal rendering of abs, so Drew got the date rose. Zak landed one later at the rose ceremony.
What did you think, "Bachelorette" fans? Were you surprised that Des admitted to loving Brooks already? Did the Fed ever stand a chance? Is Zak a contender? Are you excited for hometown dates? Sound off in the comments.
"The Bachelorette" airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.