'The Bachelorette' Recap: Everything's Coming Up Roses

The remaining eight men have a small window of opportunity to show Emily their true colors, since approximately 43 minutes of this week's episode have been dedicated to pimping the blatant product placement of ABC's parent company Disney's new PIXAR movie "Brave."
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Emily heads to Croatia with only eight men left after six weeks of weeding out the superfluous mushroom farmers and luxury brand consultants from the herd. Those who are left have a small window of opportunity to show Emily their true colors, since approximately 43 minutes have been dedicated to pimping the blatant product placement of ABC's parent company Disney's new PIXAR movie "Brave."

Our bachelorette is in rare form this episode, giving and withholding roses as if there isn't even a production schedule that must be followed. I like this girl more and more every week I watch.

Crushed Rose
Emily and Travis wander around the city purchasing crosses, eating ice cream, dancing in an alley and attempting to balance on a stone to see if they are lucky in love according to local legend. Thinking that this is the stuff first dates are made of, Travis is extremely disappointed to learn that Emily doesn't feel a romantic connection. She hands him an umbrella (sponsored by "Brave") and bids him adieu as he walks the lonely cobbled streets to the unmarked rejection van. He throws his umbrella to the ground, preferring the sting of the bitter rain, wishing that he had his beloved ostrich egg to comfort his crushed heart.

Pity Rose
Personally, PIXAR had me at "Toy Story" and I feel it's unnecessary to heavily advertise their new films, especially during a reality show about someone finding true love in the span of eight weeks. I thought the producers were reaching when they took a cue from "Brave" and made the bachelors compete in the Highland Games as suitors did in the movie. Of course, after several gratuitous shots of Doug and Sean changing into kilts and sleeveless Under Armor shirts my mind was quickly distracted by bulging biceps and six pack abs. A few rounds of archery, tree tossing and human tug-of-war never hurt anybody! May the odds be ever in your favor.

Chris was first to volunteer to throw a tree and failed miserably. Then he actually challenged Doug as his opponent in the tug-of-war. His archery attempt was pitiful at best. Even though Sean looked hot performing all of the above tasks, Emily gave Chris the "bravery cup" which is equivalent to the white honorable mention ribbon that all kids in elementary school receive for participating in field day. Somehow he landed the date rose, too.

Non-Negotiable Rose
Ryan received the other one-on-one date and wasted no time rubbing that fact in the faces of his competitors. All agree that he is an unmitigated dillweed, hoping that Emily is able to see through his macho facade.

At dinner, Ryan tells her for a second time that she would make a great trophy wife and then proceeds to pull out a list of characteristics he would want his wife to possess. Emily waits to hear "doting mother" listed somewhere between logical and sexy personality, but it never is mentioned. She gently breaks the news that she will not be giving the rose to Ryan. And he gently breaks the news that she is making a huge mistake. He follows that bold statement with every trick in the book he's ever used to "close the deal" with previous relationships and one-night stands. For a second, ABC edits the conversation to make us believe that Emily is going to change her mind, but she sticks to her guns. He doesn't understand her decision. I don't understand his blue suede shoes. As he pulls away, he asks the camera crew to please not edit him to look like an arrogant ass.

Say hello to the newest contestant on "The Bachelor Pad," ladies and gentlemen!

Secret Rose
Arie was on fire this week. After being scolded for not having Emily's back in London, he decided to have her back against a wall on a secluded cobblestone street and make out with her during the group date. She and every other woman watching appreciated the romantic gesture. Upon finding out that Ryan had been sent packing, he decided to sneak out to see how she was doing. He "found" her apartment, applauded her for seeing through Ryan's egotistical attitude and somehow ended up horizontal in the bed with her still dressed in the Golden Globe cocktail dress. Not thinking, Emily confesses that he was going to love where they are going next week and Arie sheepishly asks, "So I'm getting a rose tomorrow?" She quickly hands him Ryan's rose and insists that he not tell anyone that she gave it to him. "Now you'll have two!" she giggles. Let's get a spoiler alert next time, shall we?

Wishful Thinking Rose
Along with Chris, Emily hands out roses to Arie, Sean and One F Jef before taking the longest pause ever, dramatically turning and rushing out the back door to find Harrison. Both Doug and Wolf appear to be having early signs of a heart attack as Emily swishes up to Our Host telling him that she doesn't know what to do. Reminding her that there are NO RULES in "The Bachelorette," she hands Harrison the rose and walks back in. For a moment, I thought that Emily had essentially just given Our Host the final bud of the evening. Smart woman. Clearly, it had been the most dramatic rose ceremony. Ever. Until ...

Second Chance Rose
Harrison walks in with a second rose on a silver platter. I wonder how far the ABC intern had to go to find another rose and stick pin? Doug and Wolf are safe.

Next week, the gang heads to Prague. Contestant Chris cries, One F appears to make out with Emily on the floor of a fancy library and it is discovered that Arie used to date one of the producers on the show. Excuse me, what? Somebody's got some explaining to do.

To read the entire recap, feel free to visit www.iHateGreenBeans.com.

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