The theme of this week's episode of "The Bachelorette," part one of the finale (or "fin-ahh-le," as Chris Harrison calls it), was tears. So many tears. Was Chris actually telling the truth this time when he called the end of this season "shocking" and "dramatic"?
We begin our two-hour journey in Antigua, where Des is chilling on a boat talking about how "romantic" and "fairy-tale"-like everything is. After a stupidly long flashback to the whole season -- because apparently all "Bachelorette" viewers have zero short-term memory -- we go over Desiree's three remaining men. Chris is perfect and romantic and awkward and masculine. Drew is adorable and passionate and pretty. But Brooks is the one she really loves and wants to get a Neil Lane diamond from. He's also the only one who hasn't said he loves her ... but Des is pretty sure that he doesn't need to say it -- she just knows. (Words spoken by delusional men and women everywhere.)
Des Gets Her Dance On With Drew
Drew is oh-so in love with Desiree -- especially after she met his family. He and Des bond over the fact that neither of them has been to the Caribbean before! So they decide to explore, obviously pulling off to the side of the road to make out and take selfies. "He looks great. His abs, his eyes, his body..." says Des, telling it like it is. She and Drew finally make their way to a "local" (by local, I mean totally staged) party where Des wants to "get her dance on." They limbo, buy roses made out of grass and see some really pretty views. Drew is positive that he's gonna marry Des. Sorry, Drew. Pretty sure you're not.
After the party, Des and Drew make out on the beach in the rain, where their waterside dinner gets ruined. So instead they decide to forgo eating altogether (who needs food when you have a rose-petal-covered bed?) and head straight to the fantasy suite for shelter! Drew is "ecstatic" when Des offers him the overnight date, and they chat about Des' ex who couldn't communicate and Drew's "crazy uncontrollable feelings." Finally, they kick the cameras out, and we are treated to a 30-second shot of the outside of the room and awful slurping make-out noises.
Mother (And Sister) Know Best
Meanwhile, back in America -- Boise, Idaho, to be exact -- Brooks is getting nervous about the idea of proposing to someone on national TV after knowing her for nine weeks. He just can't figure out why he wouldn't be ready to say "I love you" yet. (Obviously it has nothing to do with the fact that they've only been out like three times on-camera and known each other for two months.) So for more answers, he goes to his sister and his mom for advice. Brooks' sister and mother point out that he probably shouldn't pop the question to Des if he isn't sure if he loves her. His family loves Des and thinks she's wonderful and lovely and good, but they assure Brooks that they'll support him no matter what he decides to do.
Chris Quotes Savage Garden, Writes More Poetry
Desiree wears the world's most confusing outfit (fringe vest, bikini top and baggy/bell-bottom jeans) for her date with Chris. But even poor sartorial choices can't stop Chris' feelings! He's "truly, madly, deeply" in love with Desiree -- and apparently Savage Garden circa 1997 as well. They go on a helicopter ride around the island (finally, ABC brings out the helicopter!), and Chris feels the need to name every color that the water is. They finally end up on the beach, eating watermelon and sipping drinks. Des says she liked Chris' mom. Chris says he was impressed by her baseball skills. True love! "Chris is so hot," says Des, and proceeds to make out with him in the sand. (Go girl.) "Des makes me feel vibrant," says Chris. Then they draw their names in the sand, because obviously.
At dinner, Chris toasts to the "best months he's ever had." (Vom.) "So ... let's talk future," says Des, in the most awkward segue ever. Chris outlines all the things he loves about Seattle and how he sees his life there -- with Des, of course. Des seems less than thrilled with the idea of moving from sunny Cali to overcast, rainy Seattle, but she says vague things like "when I'm in love, I make sacrifices" and finally says she'd be "open" to moving to Seattle. Chris feels amazing. Des is probably trying to figure out how she can backtrack on that promise. I also keep getting distracted by a horrible chirping/squawking sound in the background, which according to "Bachelorette" producer Robert Mills, are Antiguan tree frogs. Des finally pops the fantasy-suite question, and Chris succumbs to his compulsive need to read "poetry" on every date. They head off to the pool in their suite to have a "romantic, relaxing night," just the two of them ... and those f**king tree frogs.
Real Talk With Brooks: Chris Harrison Edition
While Des talks about how in love she is and how she sees a future with Brooks while she gets ready for their date, Brooks is looking melancholy. His conflicted feelings obviously necessitate a sit-down chat with Chris Harrison. Chris puts on his therapist face and has a painfully drawn-out conversation with Brooks in which Brooks says some things and Chris repeats them in more eloquent wording. Somehow Chris manages to bring up Brooks' parents' divorce and Brooks finally reaches the conclusion that he needs to end things with Des -- after Chris asks him whether he's 100 percent sure about ending it for the 10th time. Brooks doesn't want to hurt Des and see her cry, but Chris reminds him that, "As a man, it's the conversation you have to have." (I would amend that statement to "as a decent human being, it's the conversation you need to have," but details.)
Tears, Tears, Tears And More Tears
Brooks is pretty nervous about ending it with Des. Understandable, since this is a reality show where she is supposed to get her pick of men ... not get dumped by the one dude she actually likes. Brooks says he wants to do it as quickly as possible, but in fact it takes 30 minutes of meandering and telling Des she's great while clearly he's going to dump her. Obviously she knows what's going on and begins crying about three minutes into his awful speech. He says he doesn't think their moments apart are "hard enough," and Des tells him that she misses him every day and is in love with him. He keeps trying to touch her and comfort her, and she just wants him to (understandably) back the f**k off because he's not helping anything. Honestly, it was one of the only times watching this show that I've genuinely felt bad for someone on it. I can't even be snarky about the whole thing. Even though it's totally logical that someone wouldn't want to get married after two months of faux dating, I can't help but be a little bit pissed off at Brooks. (Damn you, "Bachelorette," you're getting to me.)
Then they decide to go for a walk, because for some reason Brooks won't just rip the Band-Aid off and get out of there. No, he prefers a slow, painful breakup in which he mumbles a lot, cries a lot and makes things worse. "Sorry, I'll shut up. I'm not helping," he says eventually. "No, not at all," deadpans Des. After more painful/teary dialogue, they finally part ways. Des walks off to the end of a dock, shielding her face from the cameras and sobs. Simultaneously, Brooks is sobbing near a tree. "This is the worst day of my life. That was way harder than I thought it would be," says a still weepy Brooks as he has his exit interview.
Des keeps crying on the dock for awhile, but eventually she tells the cameras that having Brooks leave throws everything off. She has two guys that ARE totally willing to say they love her and put a ring on it on national television, but she doesn't really love them back. "For me, it's over," she says. End scene.
(Umm ... so ... he's gonna come back, or something exciting and at least a little bit happy will happen next week, right, producers? Right? At least this week was less boring...)
Next Week, On The "Most Dramatic Fin-ahh-le" Ever...
Des tears! Pensive face! Chris Harrison therapy sesh! Where do we go from here?! Des wants to go home! Des didn't think she'd be here! Event of the summer! More tears!
LOOK: The Best Tweets About This Week's "Bachelorette"