"Stop worrying." It's what everyone has told me since I was five years old. Teachers, friends, parents, and family all wondered why I let the smallest things consume me. My thoughts scattered my brain, causing a mismatch of thoughts that led to the feeling of a pit lodged in my stomach. But how do you control something like that? How do you defend yourself against a feeling that seems so miniscule yet so overwhelming and disastrous at the same time?
My worries, when I was younger, were simpler and less trivial. They consisted of miniscule stresses concerning the amount of playtime I would get with my friends or if I could finish my math problems in time for class. But even so, they always left me with a nauseous, anxious feeling. I found myself unable to sleep at night, worrying about the days ahead. Would I see my friends? Would my dad get home okay from work? There were nights that I wouldn't sleep enough because of this. Over time, until the start of high school, I felt my worrying to subside quite a bit and I became much more at ease. I came to believe that I was growing out of it.
But when I got to high school, it was my worry that consumed me and took form in a horrific vexation. I attended the Bronx High School of Science, which is a very rigorous and competitive school. I found my worry control me again as I would strive for perfect grades, a lot of friends, and excellence in my extracurricular activities, including my basketball team. One day towards the end of my junior year, I was sure I was going to be sick to my stomach and I had to be called home early from school. For the next few months this reoccurred and I kept having to miss class, which was something that I never did. I would never get sick, but I would be frenzied with a pain in my chest and an extreme sense of nausea. After countless doctors visits, I found out I had a bad case of acid reflux. While this was a relief at first, my doctor informed me that my years of worrying had caught up to me. He revealed to me that acid reflux was not caused by worry and stress, but it was activated by it. So it was devastating to know that all of this worry had somersaulted into an issue that would take up even more of my day. But there was not much that I did except rely on countless stomach medications instead of targeting the route of the problem.
It has taken me until my junior year of college to finally face the realization that it is time to do something. I have developed a mentality of always looking at the positive side of situations and disassociating with negativity. It takes a lot of willpower and of course there are times where it is hard. I try my best to surround myself with great friends, family, and not take school as seriously as I used to. I currently attend Barnard College, which is the women's college of Columbia University. While the environment is extremely stressful, I do my best to find the balance that I believe everyone needs to embody. When I find myself worrying now, I take a deep breath. Someone I have recently gotten close told me about the power of taking a deep breath and it is true. I have developed strategies, as well. When I find myself repeating the "what ifs" in my head, I think of all the scenarios I have worried about that have turned out perfectly fine, in my favor. The tally is usually ten to one.
I know that I am not alone in my time consumption with this apprehension. Many people face this problem and it is something that we can all learn from. My favorite musical artist, John Mayer, has a song named "Age of Worry." He personifies Worry and asks, "Worry, why should I care?" His fight against Worry is what I have dealt with all of my life but my new attention to it and action plan will help me through it.
It's a gradual process and although it may not seem to be a pressing issue for most people, it consumes me. But I know I won't let it take over.
Take that, worry!