By Natalie B. Compton for GQ.
With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, couples across the country are digging deep for hot new ways to do the sex with each other. Some of those ideas will be great; and many, many more of them will be bad. Like buying her edible underwear-levels of bad. In the interest of Service Journalism, we trawled Amazon dot com for some of the best-selling edible underwear options out there. And then we ate them.
Here they are ranked, from worst to best.
First impression: Huge departure from the picture on the box. What you see on the packaging makes the thong look like a sexy tie-string bikini that would be perfect for a beach vacation in Brazil. In reality, it looks like a crinkly trash bag with red drawstrings.
On the body: Not flattering at all. The backside is too thick; it looks like you’re censoring your own butt crack. When tying it on, I ripped one of the drawstrings, ruining any opportunity to make a sexy bow.
On the tongue: The flimsy thong has a faint chocolate smell. At first lick, you get a sharp tart flavor, which is immediately overshadowed by a pasty stickiness that's kind of like wet rice paper. The more you lick it, the more it breaks apart and adheres to your skin like Papier Mâché.
Verdict: HARD PASS.
First impression: First of all, this underwear came in a manila envelope outside of its unassembled box. Secondly, it came with an extra baggie with “Free Bra” hand-written on it.
On the body: Quite possibly the least flattering boob accessory on earth. Unlike a normal bra, this blue edible one has no chance of supporting the weight of human breasts. It was so delicate, in fact, that the bra broke as I adjusted the straps. (Thank god they threw in an extra one?) The reddish panties weren’t horrible. However, THEY STAIN YOUR BODY. My hands looked bloody, my teeth looked wine-stained, and my clean white bedsheets now have a faint sheen of pink.
On the tongue: The blue bra had an odd chemical smell, almost like wet paint. The red garments smelled like cherry medicine and iodine. The taste wasn’t anything to write home about. After a few licks you’ll break through the flimsy translucent material, and the underwear gets too sticky to take a trip to the bonezone.
Verdict: You're probably better off lighting your money on fire instead.
First impression: What. The. Fuck. Am. I. Looking. At? These crotchless gummy panties do not come assembled, nor with instructions. I hope you have a master's degree in engineering so you can figure this thing out.
On the body: I lack the basic DIY chops to fashion these panties together in an attractive way, as the underwear is coated with roughly 8 trillion sugar granules. No more than 90 seconds after walking around my apartment in my new outfit did things go terribly wrong. The glue holding together the lace, strings, and candy malfunctioned. And my crotchless panties turned into a papaya-colored loin cloth dripping sugar all over the floor.
On the tongue: As soon as I opened the packaging, I was hit with a sickly sweet, chemical-esque watermelon smell. No surprise that the gummy panties didn’t taste great, although the flavor was better than the smell would suggest.
Verdict: Skip. Unless you don’t mind getting sugar all over your sheets.
First impression: It looks like a female anatomy diagram in hot pink.
On the tongue: In order to achieve a simulacrum of “passion fruit flavor,” scientists used no fewer than 4,000 ingredients, at least according to the side of the box. Is there anything hotter than chewing on 0.0003 percent Butylated Hydroxyanisole? No. No there is not.
First impression: There is so much string here! Why is there so much string! The more I tried to untangle the thong, the more tangled it became. One big positive: buried deep inside the nest of string was a huge milk chocolate heart.
On the body: After struggling with miles of red elastic string, I eventually wrangled the “thong” into a passable position on my body. I don’t know what I did wrong, but there was a lot of extra string left dangling around, so I tucked it in with the other strings and called it a day.
On the tongue: The chocolate, which was sitting in a plastic bag and was therefore partially melted, tasted like mass-produced drugstore chocolate. This did not stop me from eating most of it alone in my apartment.
Verdict: In no way is it underwear, but boy, is it fun!
First impression: It’s sturdy, thoughtfully put together, and actually looks like underwear. No struggling with assembly in the bathroom while your partner waits for you with their pants off.
On the body: Looks like underwear and fits like underwear. Unfortunately, it’s a little baggy in the front and not super flattering, but it’s wayyyyy fucking better than the other options. This bad boy is durable enough to really move around in without sending those hard candies flying everywhere.
On the tongue: Nostalgia alert: This edible G-string tastes just like those candy necklaces you ate as a kid. You can bite off the tasty pieces easily, so there’s little danger of chomping through the string holding the whole show together.
Verdict: We have our winner! Sure, it may look a little like a candy-covered cup, but this g-string is by far the best edible underwear option Amazon has to offer.
The only better option? Not buying edible underwear at all! Buy your Valentine literally anything else.
More from GQ: