Note: This article does not necessarily reflect the opinions of the author or Huffington Post. It is solely for entertainment purposes
The term “conspiracy theory” was introduced by the CIA to slander those skeptical of the Warren Commission’s investigation into the JFK assassination. Yes, the origination of “conspiracy theory” is a conspiracy theory.
Now fully weaponized, it is a term used to discredit deviation from the official government or corporate media narrative by tying justifiable inquisition to lizard people and drunk uncles.
But whether logical or ludicrous, ‘conspiracy theories’ are consistently entertaining. Here are the best from this most compelling election cycle.
At first, questions surrounding the health of Hillary Clinton were themselves a conspiracy theory. Clinton called such questions a “wacky strategy” and assured the public “conspiracy theories about my health are not a concern.” Mainstream news derided and mocked inquisitors, including the Washington Post’s Chris Cillizza who asked “can we just stop talking about Hillary Clinton’s health now?”
Of course, after her 9/11 collapse, Hillary’s health moved from ruse to reality. Even the great Chris Cillizza was forced to admit, less than a week after championing the “can we just stop” narrative, that “Hillary Clinton’s health just became a real issue.”
But from the ashes of one confirmed conspiracy arose new theories, these venturing further into the theater of the bizarre.
When Clinton emerged from her daughter’s apartment 90 minutes her collapse, some began to ask if the woman smiling and waving to onlookers was in fact Hillary Clinton.
But it did not stop there.
Apparently Hillary Clinton is not only so ill, possibly deceased, as to need a body double, but so as to stage fake campaign rallies in which a hologram takes the candidate’s place. One might wonder if #HillarysHologram might be making an appearance with Tupac Shakur sometime soon.
Mike Pence Vants To Suck Your Blahd
This is a photograph of vice-presidential candidate Mike Pence enjoying a relaxing dinner with his wife and daughter. Nothing unusual about it. Or is there?
Conspiracy theorists proposed that rather than the angle of the photograph, Mike Pence’s daughter’s lack of reflection in the mirror was due to the fact that she was a vampire.
Before the important and hard hitting questions could be asked – how would this affect Pence’s policy positions; would blood banks receive more funding? What about solar energy? – another bombshell dropped.
Perhaps it is more than just his daughter. While some would call Donald Trump ghoulish, perhaps it is Mike Pence who is the literal monster.
The Russians Are Coming!
Ah, the United States, with its pillars of Americana – apple pie, baseball, and fear mongering about the Russians.
Some 25 years after the Cold War ended, Russia, with a GDP roughly equal to Mexico or Australia and a defense budget 1/9th of the United States, remains the preeminent boogeyman in American political and popular culture.
When hacked emails exposed the corruption of the Democratic National Committee it was, for some, not the integrity of American democracy which was under the microscope, but rather the purported involvement of Russian spies.
Conspiracy theorists at places like The New York Times and The Atlantic took the narrative further, insisting Donald Trump was actually a “de facto agent of [Russian President Vladimir] Putin.”
With apparent double agents and systemic corruption exposed by international spies, it is a narrative with all the makings of a great conspiracy.
Tin foil hat aficionado and MSNBC correspondent Joy Reid would move the chicanery up another level with a performance of magnificent McCarthyism.
One can practically imagine the hammer and the sickle flying over the White House already.
Tim Kaine: The Manchurian Candidate
In 1981, a 21-year-old Tim Kaine traveled to Honduras to work as a Jesuit missionary. It is a period crucial to the Kaine narrative as a time he was ingrained with the values of “faith, family and work.”
But there are those who ask what else may have been ingrained in Tim Kaine while he was in Honduras.
In the early 1980s, the Reagan administration began using Honduras as a base of military operation against communist revolutionaries in Nicaragua, Guatemala, and El Salvador. Military aid increased by 7000 percent as bases, airstrips, and supply depots were built, and American intelligence agents poured into the country.
At around the same time, Honduras was becoming “the trampoline,” a plane refueling station in the transport of drugs from Columbia to the United states, a program often alleged to have been overseen by the CIA. One destination for these planes was Mena, Arkansas, a small town in the territory of a young Governor Bill Clinton. However, the Clinton cocaine connection is a conspiracy theory for another day.
It is this climate of militarism and espionage that ferment conspiracy regarding Tim Kaine.
There are some believe that while in Honduras Kaine “more likely met Karl Marx than Jesus Christ.” When Kaine took to the stage at the Democratic convention wearing a pin of what appeared to be the Honduran flag, conspiracy theorists took it as a sign of his secret communist affiliation. Of course the pin turned out to be a Blue Star Service pin for his son, a deployed marine, but that did little to dampen theories of Kaine’s communist agenda.
Alternately, some believe that the young Harvard graduate was sent to Honduras undercover as a missionary to receive indoctrination with the goal of creating a Manchurian candidate for the shadowy New World Order. Conspiracy theorists point to Harry Truman – also the vice-presidential running mate of a candidate in apparently failing health; FDR, who would die three months into his term – who wore a pin of the Freemasons, thought in conspiratorial lore to be representatives of globalist Illuminati.
Is Tim Kaine simply, as he describes himself, a “conservative” running with a neoliberal to further push the Democratic Party to the right? Or, is he part of a broader communist or globalist plot?
Trump Is A Plant
Donald Trump is a close enough friend of the Clintons to have had Hillary sitting in the front row at his wedding ceremony and to be a regular golf partner of Bill. A Democrat for most of his life, Trump has contributed money to Hillary’s political campaigns and the Clinton Foundation.
Shortly before announcing his intention to run for President, Trump reportedly had an extended phone conversation with former President Clinton in order to discuss the potential campaign.
And what a campaign it has turned out to have been. In addition to his increasingly bizarre and often offensive behavior, it is a campaign in which Trump has taken a proverbial flamethrower to the Republican establishment. He has had very public spats with John McCain, Paul Ryan, Mitt Romney, and Fox News. And of course the person he eviscerated most viciously was the original presumed Republican nominee (and Hillary opponent) Jeb Bush.
There are those who believe that Hillary Clinton is so universally reviled – she would be, according to polls, the most unpopular person ever elected President – that the only way she could win the presidency would be in a contest against a cartoon caricature of a villainous Republican bigot. Thus, the conspiracy theory goes, she enlisted the help of her long-time friend, a man familiar with the mass manipulation of reality television, to play the role.
Now, as the Democratic establishment runs a campaign based not on highlighting the merits of Hillary Clinton, but on the rallying cry of ‘Stop Trump,’ many are wondering what exactly Slick Willy and The Donald talked about on the phone that day.