This year, for the first time in 77,000 years, Thanksgiving and Hanukkah both fall on Nov. 28, or as it's being called, "Thanksgivukkah." But America's schools are already struggling to accommodate multicultural student populations with limited time and budgets, so as a public service, we provide the following easy-to-perform dual-purpose pageant for elementary schools:
THE STORY OF THE FIRST THANKSGIVUKKAH
[ENTER STAGE LEFT: PILGRIM, SQUANTO, JUDAH MACCABEE, TURKEY. NOTE: All the remaining children are to play TREES.]
PILGRIM: We gather here in Plymouth, Massachusetts, in the year 1621 -- or for my Jewish friend, 5381 -- to offer thanks for our bountiful harvest.
JUDAH MACCABEE: And for the rededication of the Temple of Jerusalem, enabling us to once again perform animal sacrifices.
TURKEY: Gobble, gobble! I hope no one sacrifices me!
[PAUSE FOR PARENTAL LAUGHTER, COUGHS.]
SQUANTO: Do not worry, Turkey. You will have a long and prosperous existence.
SQUANTO: In my belly!
[PAUSE FOR PARENTAL SMARTPHONE-CHECKING.]
PILGRIM: Actually, we are eating a nutritionally balanced meal in line with the FDA pyramid, with sensible portions of protein, carbs, vegetables and giblets.
JUDAH MACCABEE: And I have brought the Jewish people's traditional food of Hanukkah: a fried potato pancake called a "latke."
SQUANTO: Or as my people call it, "maize."
TREE #6: Kevin keeps hitting me!
MOTHER'S VOICE FROM THE AUDIENCE: Kevin!
TREE #9: Shut UP, tattletale!
TEACHER (FROM STAGE RIGHT, STAGE-WHISPERING): Pilgrim!
[PILGRIM LOOKS AT HER BLANKLY.]
TEACHER (HANDS CUPPED AROUND MOUTH): "You could say..."
PILGRIM: You could say we have before us a "cornucopia" of food.
JUDAH MACCABEE: And, thanks to the miracle of Thanksgivukkah, enough leftovers to last for eight days!
TREE #19: I have to go bathroom!
[TEACHER HASTENS OUT FROM STAGE RIGHT TO ESCORT TREE #19 OFF.]
TREE #23 (POINTS TO TREE #19): Ha, ha, too late!
[A PUDDLE SPREADS BENEATH TREE #19. HE STARTS CRYING.]
[PILGRIM, SQUANTO, JUDAH MACCABEE, TURKEY, AND ALL 48 OTHER TREES START LAUGHING.]
[TEACHER RUSHES BACK OUT, HASTILY WAVES A CONDUCTOR'S BATON.]
CAST (SINGING): We gather together/ To ask the Lord's blessing / And by "Lord" we mean / A non-denominational entity/ In keeping with the lawsuit / By the ACLU--
[PARENTAL CAMCORDER TAPING THIS SUDDENLY RUNS OUT OF BATTERY.]
Rob Kutner, Stephen Levinson, and Joel Levinson are the creators of the epic comedy-music album 2776 coming out July 4, 2014. Go here for details.