"We actually broke up."
This is the inevitable response you will have to give for weeks, months, possibly even years after you and your significant other part ways. You have gotten to a point in your life where you have learned to cope somewhat with the usual breakup activities: changing your Facebook relationship status, no longer using "we" when speaking of cheese preferences, morning cries. But who wants to relive the pain every time a perfectly well-meaning, yet uninformed, friend comes along?
Below is an email template for those times in your life.
To Whom It May Concern:
I regret to inform you/am happy to announce that my:
(circle all that apply)
boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/husband/wife/lover/boo/sugar parent/primary insurance holder and I have broken up.
I know you are probably wondering what happened, so to make a long story short:
(circle all that apply)
- we fell out of love
- he/she cheated
- my first impression of them was actually correct
- he/she had to move for work
- we had a threeway and things got weird
- he/she said some things I wasn't ready to hear while they were on ambien and/or klonopin
- he/she started taking improv
- he/she found a higher power or entity (including but not limited to God/The Secret/Muhammad/Buddha/Eckhart Tolle/Krishna/Improv)
- he/she self-published a poetry anthology
- we moved in together
- he/she changed for me and I stopped liking them because they were weak enough to take my advice
- we revealed our sex numbers and never quite recovered
I wanted to send you an email so when we see each other, I won't hear the following questions:
- How is (insert girlfriend/boyfriend's name)?
- What did you do this time?
- How are you doing?
- How are you doing?
- How are you doing?
- Why are you suddenly taking pottery classes?
- Would you recommend the pottery class you are currently taking?
Also, do not give me advice or support along the lines of:
- You really look (long pause) great.
- My brother knows a dirty cop.
- So you should have some free time to help me sell rescued dogs on the sidewalk.
And DO NOT sing Beyonce's "Single Ladies" at me.
Please be considerate during this time and ignore the following occurrences if you happen to witness them:
- Spontaneous crying in the bathroom
- Spontaneous crying at my work station
- Spontaneous crying in my Nissan
- Yelling out "who is this person in my exes' Facebook pictures?"
- The need for constant companionship and validation
- The dramatic lowering of sexual standards
However, I will be accepting gifts. Why do brides and expectant mothers get to have all the fun? I am registered at various local businesses that deliver to my apartment. Everything on the attached list (make sure to attach a list - this is your time!) has been carefully selected and is purposely beer, liquor, ice cream, vomit, and tear-proof so I would appreciate you not straying from the registry.
Sincerely,
(Your Name Here)