The Bright Side

Old men usually cling to two premises: the world is going to hell and music has decayed since they were young.

In my case, the second proposition is self-evident.

At age twelve, I discovered girls to the songs of Buddy Holly, Little Richard, the Everly brothers, Fats Domino, Bill Haley, Jerry Lee Lewis and Chuck Berry.

I lost interest in popular music shortly after the Beatles broke up. In between were the Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, The Who, Ray Charles, Simon and Garfunkel, The Doors, Jefferson Airplane, Aretha Franklin, Crosby, Stills and Nash, Ike and Tina Turner, Janis Joplin, Johnny Cash, Wilson Picket, Credence Clearwater, the Beach Boys, Roy Orbison and countless others.

It was Periclean Athens, Florence during the Renaissance, the Dutch Golden age.

Seeking balance and moderation, I therefore refuse to accept that the world is going to hell. My liberal friends view the recent elections as evidence of such, but I accentuate the positive:

• With Republicans controlling both houses, I no longer fear that Ebola-infected terrorists are crossing the Rio Grande. I can sleep soundly.

• As I cannot afford to replace my wife's wardrobe, I am relieved that Sharia law will not be imposed.

• With the ascendency of the religious right, God will reclaim His rightful role in American politics. I rejoice since I believe in nine Gods: The Holy Trinity, Yahweh, Allah, Zeus, Marduk, Huitzilopochtli, Woden, Zoroaster and Baal. Actually I may believe in eleven gods depending on how one counts the The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit. I may stop at ten because the Holy Spirit has not been pulling His weight lately, Has He retired? Was He kicked Upstairs?

If one supernatural force for which there is no evidence will upgrade American politics, think what can happen when nine (or ten) supernatural forces for which there is no evidence become politically involved.

• Illegal immigration will cease. Did you know that many Hispanic immigrants are Catholic? My grandfather was a Catholic immigrant from Ireland. But things were different then. Now it's time to seal our borders.

We do need more Catholics on the Supreme Court. Currently there are six Catholic and three Jewish Justices. I believe the that Jewish Justices are smarter than the Catholic ones. Seven-to-two or eight-to-one would be a fair fight. I expect the Republican senate will move towards "fairness" when approving Supreme Court nominees.

• No one will trample on my second amendment rights. In fact, since they are people, I joyfully expect second amendment rights to be extended to corporations. No more crime once we get our bloated, inefficient government out of the public safety business and outsource it to the Exxon and JP Morgan Chase militias.

• America will return to sound economics: balanced budgets, the gold standard, dissolution of the Fed, indentured servants and debtors' prison. After Dred Scott is reinstated I may be allowed to purchase a few slaves. I would be a good master and treat them well. Good help is hard to find.

• Senate hearings will determine, once and for all, whether Barack Obama has a legitimate birth certificate or is an alien from the Galaxy Zork-El. The Senate will also unravel the mystery of Benghazi in a riveting twelve-part series. (Fox, Tuesdays, 9 p.m.)

• For at least two more years, Texas won't secede. I rest assured that that I will be able to watch TCU vs. Baylor on American TV.

• And, thank God (The Father, The Son, Yahweh, Allah, Zeus, Marduk, Huitzilopochtli, Woden, Zoroaster, Baal and, maybe, The Holy Spirit), there will be no more voter fraud.

• When Congress insists that I pay less in taxes, I will bow reluctantly to the wisdom of democracy.

• I am disappointed that we will not have death panels. I would make a superb death panelist. I've got a little list.