After America gave America the finger, I was in denial, a state I hoped to maintain for four years. Then a friend asked if there was a silver lining in this election.
“Since the neglected white workingmen, in their rage against the elites, demand that I pay less in taxes,” I replied, “I will reluctantly bow to the genius of democracy.”
Always trying to be upbeat, I later identified more bright spots:
1. Rust belt voters, distrusting elitist experts, will employ real Americans- plumbers, traffic cops and anti-Semitic bloggers—to perform surgery, forcing trained surgeons to move to the coasts and lowering costs here.
2. One will be able to watch The Apprentice without seeing Donald Trump.
3. As grabbing women by the pussy is now acceptable behavior, women will surely reciprocate by grabbing certain men by the balls.
4. Chelsea Clinton may reduce her speaker fee below her current $75,000, enabling neglected rust-belt workingmen to benefit from her wisdom and wit. She will no longer be asked to join TV networks for a $600,000 salary, nor corporate boards that pay $300,000 a year. Chelsea will not run for president in 2028.
5. Shocked Seattle may develop a shred of the ironic sensibility.
6. In time, we will become comfortable with Vlad the Impaler as Attorney General, Hannibal Lecter as Secretary of Health and Human Services, Ernst Stavro Blofeld as Secretary of Commerce and Roger B. Taney VI as a Supreme Court Justice.
7. In selecting Trump as His instrument of righteousness, evangelicals will concede that God works not only in mysterious ways, but also in ways that transcend mystery.
8. University Vice Chancellors for Diversity and Inclusion will be demoted to Assistant Deans, freeing up vast sums of money for education.
9. In polite conversation, one can now use the N – word, the K – word, the Z – word, the F – word, the other F – word, the really bad, naughty, naughty F –word, and the OMG, I can’t believe you said it but the hell with of political correctness F –word.
10. “Draining the Swamp” will not require the abolition of the federal mohair subsidy, ensuring that if World War I breaks out again, our troops will be smartly dressed.
11. Seattle is a good spot for global warming.
12. Revamped societal mores will allow all of us to indulge in narcissism. Nobody will notice.
13. In June 2012, I self-published a comic novel, Fools and Knaves, featuring “Big B,” an ignorant, mendacious, egomaniacal, loudmouth right-wing TV personality who gets elected president of the United States. This hook may propel book sales from disappointing low three figures to a satisfying mid three figures.
14. Actuarial tables suggest that I may die before the next presidential election.