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The Candor of Motherhood, Part 1

My girlfriend and I were chatting over cocktails, gushing about her upcoming wedding. She is so happy about her new life! As the conversation progressed, I asked her a question I had previously made efforts not to ask my friends, "Are you thinking about children?" When we were in our 20s, that notion rarely crossed our minds. So, why is that one of the first things posed to a 30-something woman?
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Busy mother doing simultaneously many tasks cooking cleaning reading working and talking on the phone
Busy mother doing simultaneously many tasks cooking cleaning reading working and talking on the phone

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My girlfriend and I were chatting over cocktails, gushing about her upcoming wedding. She is so happy about her new life! As the conversation progressed, I asked her a question I had previously made efforts not to ask my friends, "Are you thinking about children?" When we were in our 20s, that notion rarely crossed our minds. So, why is that one of the first things posed to a 30-something woman? I didn't think it was a fair or considerate question. Some women are not sure of motherhood, my friend included.

But, she knows my heart (wink), and she knows I wasn't intending on being a snarky lil *beep*. I probably asked because it is the world in which I now reside: Babyworld.

Her response was not surprising; she doesn't know if she wants kids. She has a business she started a few years ago, and it's wildly successful. She admitted that if she were to get pregnant, it wouldn't be a bad thing. But if she never had kids, it would also be fine. Though it was her gaze that revealed the truth: the idea of children was not on her agenda.

So, I asked her another question. "Do you want the list?"

"The list?" she asked.

"Yep. Even the minutiae of life is forever changed after children. Lemme take you through a day."

"Ok," she said, with slight reservation, "shoot."

*signaling the bartender for another round*

Alarm shoots off. Not the one on your nightstand, but the one in the crib. You think you're dreaming, but as the whaaaas get louder, you realize this is real life. You jump up out of bed. You need to pee, but the time isn't right for baby, so you hold it. You rescue the babe from that cozy spot in her crib, and you hug her tight. Good morning, my love. It's ok, mommy's here.

You make your way to the kitchen to cut some fruit for the baby. Make sure you strap her in that highchair, attempt at escape is ominous. The pressure is greater now, just squeeze a few more seconds 'til you can get those strawberries and dry cereal in front of your baby. There. Eat your breakfast, baby.

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Toilet. As you take that much-needed pee break, you decide you have a few seconds to chill and check your social media. Your bladder feels relief, and just as you start to post on that hilarious meme about puppies, another little person appears before you. Good morning, mommy. Mommy, are we going to the museum after ballet today? Mommy, can I have that bunny rabbit doll house we saw? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, I'm huuungry. Mommy, can you get up?! I have to pee!!

Yep, you wash your hands, and make your way back to the kitchen to get big little girl's breakfast ready, while she has claimed the throne for herself. And while you're chopping berries and bananas for her cereal, you think about day-off activities. There was a time that errands only took a couple hours, but now with your lovely bundles, stretch that two hours into all. Day.

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My friend is losing it. She thinks this is funny. Funny indeed.

But, hold up, you haven't even gotten out the door yet. Time to get the girls clean and dressed.

If you planned well, they got their baths last night. And if you were rockstar status, you even pulled some outfits out of that mound of clothes in the bassinet (that's been used in this capacity since your baby moved to the crib). They don't have to match well, but if you wanna get some pics during your day out, try and put together some nice -- looking threads.

You give big little girl her clothes, and instruct her to put them on. You grab baby and wrestle with her using tickles and coos and songs to calm her down. Then she sees your bare chest, and decides it is time to nurse, since strawberries and cereal weren't enough. So you sit wherever you are, and nurse until she settles down, and start dressing again. Your big little girl has kinda dressed herself, and you're thinking you love her so much, and you're so proud she can do this on her own. Until you see the panties and socks on the floor, yet her jeans and shoes are on already. Rewind, let's try this again. After she starts over, you realize baby girl is super quiet, only to see her doused in milk and cereal from the bowl your big little girl neglected to put in the sink.

Rewind. You hope this new cleanup is a job for baby wipes, so you try it. It's your lucky day. The spill wasn't bad, and with a quick brush and wipe, you saved yourself from another bath time. The clothes, however, go to the wash. And now, you're headed into the closet or the mound to find something else for baby girl to wear. But you have to put her securely in the lounge chair, otherwise she will try and follow you up the stairs with shaky, fat legs. She is not ready for that, but she thinks she is, and that is why chairs with belts are your friend.

Dressed. Finally. Wait, except you. Back to the chair, baby girl. Mommy has to put on some clothes.

Big little girl is trying to patiently wait while perusing computer games, but she is getting anxious. Mommy, where are we going? Mommy, I thought you said I could wear ribbons today. There are no ribbons in my hair. Mommy, I have to poop now.

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You throw your hands up, but don't give up. The day has just started. Keep going, you got this. You throw on your favorite jeans still crumpled by the bed. You find an old college shirt that was way too big then, but fits with a comfortable snugness now. You throw on some sneakers, don't worry about tying them 'til you trip on them a couple times.

Finally. Grab those girls, put them in their car seats, and quickly put on a tune that gets everybody in a happy mood. Turn the key, and remember that your teeth aren't brushed. Eff.

I looked at my friend, whose face is now a mix of horror and hilarity.

"My friend, that's just breakfast. To be continued."

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All photo credits to pixabay.com