Back in 2014, I wrote an article called “The Case of the Clingosaurus Cripple.” In the piece, I shared my experiences with ableism and fear around my own disability, and how those fears manifested themselves as clinginess. I have been thinking a lot about this article recently, and thinking about how I, as a Queer Cripple, need to learn in some way to lower my own expectations when it comes to sex and dating.
Whenever I engage in sex with another man, I am transported to a world that I rarely have a chance to go to. My disabled body is sexualized and it feels absolutely incredible in that moment. I am completely immersed in the experience, and I love every second of it, and I kind of never want it to end… like, ever. You would think that there is no problem with that and everything is great, right? Well, it is great, but I have noticed that a problem can arise.
I immediately become overly attached to my sex partners. I have coined this term of attachment, “Fuckling”: When you imprint all your hopes and dreams on your sexual partner after a hook up.” I get attached to them because they are the person who helped me access my sexuality, usually after six or seven months of no sex or masturbation. So, I immediately start to idolize them, as if they are gods who could do no wrong. This just isn’t fair. My expectations on my partners are unrealistically high, and I want to talk about those expectations.
If I am really, really honest, there is a small part of me that expects when I have sex with an able-bodied lover, they will fuck the cripple right out of me. In those moments, sometimes I don’t want to be disabled when I am lying in bed with them, and I expect that through sex with them, my able-bodied lover can make this fantasy come true. That is so, so much pressure to put on one person who might just want to mess around, get naked and enjoy themselves. Yet, here I am, expecting that you will change my world, expecting that you will understand just how important this moment is to me. If you can’t grasp that right away, I can sometimes get angry that you are being an “ableist douchebag.” This is just not fair to my lovers at all, and if things were reversed, I would probably also feel smothered and clung to as well. I’d be speeding away in my wheelchair, and I wouldn’t look back. So, why do I get so angry when my lovers sometimes feel the same way?
I love being reminded of my sexual value and my sexual worth as a Queer, Crippled, Disabled man. It’s awesome. But what I am beginning to understand, is that I need to start cultivating that self worth within myself. One person isn’t going to change the ableism that I experience on a daily basis. One person will not change the fact that I am a wheelchair user with a big dick. I can’t expect for my able-bodied lovers to give me everything I have ever wanted (especially considering that we probably just met on Scruff an hour or so before). As a queer crippled man I need to learn, understand and appreciate those moments with my lovers for what they are, not what I expected them to be. I need to remind myself, that they aren’t gods, they are just guys who might wanna get off with a sexy gimp and have a good time, and that’s okay, too.