The CNBC GOP Debate Sparknotes

Highlights of Wednesday night's CNBC GOP Debate:

  • Ben Carson blames liberals for dividing our country through PC culture, so Americans can count on the GOP to unite our citizens through deporting Hispanics, rigging voter ID laws to prevent African-Americans from participating in our democracy and passing legislation that prevents gay marriage.
  • Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are the worst things to happen to women since Planned Parenthood.
  • The only way to solve our economic problems is to cut every single tax imaginable. Now we know Jeb Bush has a fetish for Democrats who want to reduce spending. #warmkiss
  • Carly Fiorina has a deep and sympathetic understanding of the struggles of working-class Americans. As CEO of Hewlett Packard, she created a net loss of 30,000 jobs and walked away with a $21.4 million severance package.
  • We can trust that the candidates whose campaigns are bankrolled by the Koch Brothers, Sheldon Adelson, the fossil fuel industry, Wall Street, and other billionaire families will have the middle class's best interests at heart and will stand up to the 1%.
  • Donald Trump believes the only way to stop "sickos" from going on killing sprees is to eliminate gun-free zones. And the only way to stop a Millennial from procrastinating their college term papers is to give them an iPhone and a Netflix account.
  • Jeb Bush went after Marco Rubio for missing votes and not "showing up to work" even though his brother holds the record for most vacation days taken as president at 874. Marco Rubio was the Drake to Jeb's Meek Mill in that beef.
  • Speaking of Mr. Exclamation Point, Jeb! looks like a mall Santa who bought a Trump suit at Men's Warehouse and got a clean-cut manscape.
  • Mike Huckabee compared government to the runaway military blimp that landed in Pennsylvania earlier in the day. But Huckabee shares the same qualities as that blimp: full of hot air and seemingly aimless and misguided.
  • Ted Cruz, the same man who recited Green Eggs and Ham during a filibuster of Obamacare, attacked the vicious liberal media from distracting Americans from substantive issues.
  • Chris Christie's clearly having a rough fantasy football season -- he probably drafted Andrew Luck or C.J. Anderson in the 1st round.
  • Rand Paul got irrelevant real quick.
  • The reoccurring themes in the GOP primaries include fear mongering, shaming those of different backgrounds, political gossip and personal attacks -- the main components of a prom queen vote, not a presidential primary.

    All the GOP candidates vie for our nation's most powerful political position by referencing their leadership skills in the face of turbulent domestic and international times, despite conforming to the Republican establishment dogma of theocratic corporatism, small government when convenient to their personal ideology, eliminating the social safety net and perpetuating wars.

    Instead, this primary is shaping up to be a demonstration of who is the most American conservative dedicated to conserving Americanism through a shared borderline erotic affinity of Ronald Reagan that's totally definitely not gay in any way.

    So far the Republican Party has only displayed they aren't ready to lead America into the 21st century, they are only concerned with preserving their romanticized past.

    Regardless, they refuse to acknowledge that these times, they are a-changin', because these types of candidates, messages, and platforms are so popular, it helped Obama become president twice.

    Well, third time's the charm!