The Corporate Survivor's Guide to Email (Now More than Ever)

Thank you!

Translation:  Fuck
.  Generally found at the end of emailed instructions, as
in "Please let me know, in the future, anytime you'll be occupying
the conference room during an hour when my team is scheduled to use
it.  Thank you!"  An expression of outright hatred. 

Probable indicator of an assassination attempt to come. 

Thank you

No exclamation point. 
Translation:  Thank you.

Short response in all




no way


dont think so

dnt thnk soo

wont happen

write it up





Translation:  I'm
more important than you are.  And busier.  In fact, I'm
so important and busy that I don't have time to write more than a
word or two - unlike, say, you, Wordsworth
- or even take the care to capitalize the few words that I can manage
to eke out as I hustle off to an airport / heliport / underground bunker
/ secret strategy session you wouldn't know about / meeting with other
more important and busier people than you. 

Generally intended as a reminder of your lowly, vulnerable, and tenuous
status at the company.  You're not important or busy enough. 

And it just got noticed.  Take steps. 

Forwarded email with
no added message

Indicates a thorny task being
shunted onto you:  the communications equivalent of toxic dumping. 
Translation:  Hey, man, this is your mess.  I never saw
it.  I mean, I saw it - but barely.  Just enough to realize
it's your problem.  Good luck with it.  Shouldn't take
you more than a week.  And I'm sure screwing it up won't get
you fired or anything.  Not these days.  Have at it.

Self-addressed email
with you BCC'd

A declaration of corporate
might disguised as an invitation.  Translation:  I have
a list of contacts - a posse, if you will; a loyal cadre; a seething
army - that I command and that is too numerous and too powerful for
you to see their names or know their addresses.  Please feel free
to come to this talk / presentation / birthday / fundraiser / poker
night / bris / formal celebration of
me; but know, as you do, that you are not the point of it.  You're
not even addressed here.  You will be coming strictly to marvel
at the number of my loyal admirers
- who, like me, have bigger contact lists than you.  I'd start
networking, homes.  Friend someone, for fuck's sake.  I'd
give you a couple of my friends; but they're, you know, mine. 

Come see for yourself. 


Previously an acronym for "Laughing
Out Loud."  Currently short for "Love it Or Leave it." 
The equivalent of a nervous chuckle and a finger to the lips. 
Translation:  Hey, Lenny Bruce, keep it down over there. 
Wouldn't mind keeping my job.  Funny stuff
- but nose to the grindstone, huh? 

The good news is that a healthy sense of humor, whether appreciated
or not, will serve you well when, three or four broadcast jokes from
now, you're canned. 

Thank you!

Seriously.  It does: 
it means Fuck you.  Look back through your emails. 
He or she absolutely hates you.  That exclamation point is a fucking
dagger.  Watch your ass.