The Day the Media Ignored Donald Trump

It all began with an idea -- a bold and dangerous idea, explains CNN producer Lucas Ferwhensen. "A group of us spineless media types thought it was time to stand up to Donald Trump," he recalls. "We wanted to prove he did not control every aspect of our election coverage or of the news in general." And so, Ferwhensen and others like him contacted all nationwide media outlets and did the unthinkable: they completely ignored Donald Trump for an entire day.

The reaction, at first, was one of panic and utter confusion as American citizens turned on their televisions, computers and mobile devices. "I thought, 'Hey, where's Trump?' What's going on? Have the Chinese hacked us?" recalled Kirk Utlap of Eugene, Oregon. But then, a different feeling took over, one of profound relief. Utlap described it this way: "It was like being trapped underwater and suddenly, I was able to breathe again. Oh, I just basked in the sweet, sweet joy of not hearing or seeing that person's name."

Across the country, the impact of the no-Trump coverage was immediately felt: people left their homes with positive attitudes and smiles on their faces; citizens helped others across streets and wished well to complete strangers and a variety of immigrants; rainbows spontaneously appeared and unicorns were sighted in a number of cities; work productivity increased eighty percent and the Dow rose twelve thousand points; heads of the Republican Party took the handguns out of their mouths and caught up on much-needed sleep.

"The reaction was so positive that we considered doing it again," said blogger/pundit/car-detailer Darby O'Lanahoot. But as the day wore on, Donald Trump himself had become increasingly irritated by the lack of response to anything he said or did. "He did not take this lightly," says a worker in the Trump campaign, who wishes to remain anonymous.** "He repeatedly tweeted and called the usual number of people who would normally trip over themselves to get an interview. Now? Nothing."

Eyewitnesses described Trump's reaction as explosive. "First, he started screaming, then he grabbed Trump Plaza employees and bit their arms and legs," reported an unnamed source.*** "Then black oil poured out of his eyes and ears, and his head cracked open, releasing swarms of killer bees -- ironically, from Mexico -- which attacked several campaign workers. In my years of working for Trump, I had seen it happen twice before, but not on this scale."

The networks and media tried to remain defiant, but the lure of Trump was too strong. "By the time he grew twenty feet tall and started destroying churches with acid saliva, we had no choice but to resume coverage," says Ferwhensen. "Plus, we had to increase the coverage analyzing the extent of the destruction he caused, coverage of ourselves for not covering him, and coverage of his supporters who were denouncing the limited coverage of ourselves not covering him."

As news cycles roll on and each asinine statement Donald Trump makes is replaced by an even more asinine statement, few even remember that there was a day when the media didn't cover Trump. But, for those who do, it will always be a special memory. "Oh, to return to that happy time," says a tearful Kirk Utlap. "Maybe, just maybe, it will happen again. I can dream, right?"

** His name is Brenton Halwill. He has been punished.
*** Her name is Cornelia Joddi. She was engaged to Brenton Halwill.