Aug 2, Washington DC. The saints of Mount Rushmore have perhaps never been rushed more. Yesterday, the US narrowly averted default in a highly unanticipated resolution that raised the debt ceiling. So was this a "One signature by Obama, a giant relief for mankind" moment? Not really. It turns out that many are angry at the politicians for finally having acted as adults.
Fellow reporters have been laid off en masse in wake of the compromise. An executive of a major news network said, "There just isn't another soap opera brewing on Capitol Hill. The temporary surge in news staff hiring in July, now has to be cut, capped, and balanced." Industry observers did say that news networks such as Fox and MSNBC will not be as severely affected due to their longstanding drama-manufacturing skills that compensate for the absence of real news.
The passing of the bill has also hurt many in the so-called impasse economy. Telecom companies that were hoping for increased sales of networking equipment to plush congressional offices point with worry to a precipitous decline in call volumes. The President of the DC-MD-VA Drycleaner's Association said that members of his caucus have experienced a huge decline in dry-cleaning demand as senators and congressmen anticipate fewer TV appearances, and lesser need to be dried and cleaned.
However, White House interns, congressional pages, and attractive campaign staff are wary at the passing of the bill. One anonymous source was quoted as saying, "We all experienced a temporary respite from unwanted wantons during this debate, as senators were working hard and perspiring late into the night. We are now on high alert due to heightened adrenalin and relatively free calendars."
The news is not all bad, however. Red Bull, Starbucks, and Jack Daniels are set to beat their 3rd quarter guidance due to substantial over-consumption on Capitol Hill. The same is true for a variety of office stationery suppliers, including the official suppliers of ink and paper to the US Treasury's Bond Printing Division. Boehner's tanning salon and Pelosi's yoga instructor both hope to see their flagship customers for extended sessions in the coming days.
In another related development, senior White House sources said that the US Treasury had put in place backup plans to print the two $1T coins recommended by constitutional scholars. In the Boehner-Obama talks, agreement had been reached to engrave Queen Elizabeth on one side, and an upside-down "T" on the other, both symbolic gestures to piss off the Tea Party.
Far beyond our shores, the Chinese, nervous witnesses of the debt stalemate, had put on hold a renovation of their government's vault facilities which had started in January to create extra storage for their US paper purchases. These renovations are now on track to house America's biggest export.
There are also changes planned in how sovereign debt will be rated. Moody's, in a much anticipated statement said, "Great world powers (erstwhile) such as Greece, Italy, Spain, and Portugal are expected to join the AAA club based on historical greatness alone. It is important for the health of the global economy that the loophole that currently links a country's ability to pay its bills with its debt rating be closed, and that any such link is abolished for good." Investment analysts note that this will lead to the formation of a Sovereign Bond Security Council led by the United States.
Lastly, religious cults around the world announced their dismay as the world did not end on August 2nd. They have now reset the date for sometime in 2013.
Amid all the buffoonery, the person who is happiest is Mrs. Bernanke. "I haven't seen Ben smile this way in years," she gushed to her friends at the recent tea party she hosted. In case you were wondering, she had cut crumpets from the menu.
Dinkar Jain holds a Bachelors in Computer Science Engineering from the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor and an MBA from Harvard Business School. Dinkar has previously hosted a comedy show on WOLV TV. Dinkar is indebted to Nimit Jain, senior at Yale University, for his jocular excesses. To read more articles by Dinkar, click here.