The Democratic Party's Immigration Platform If They Were As Ridiculous as Republicans

The Democratic Party prides itself as a "big tent" party, a champion of diversity and a bastion of disenfranchised voters seeking representation in Washington.

The Democratic Party is proud of its growing trend of representing Americans of all walks of life by advancing equality and embracing this eclectic country, home to a cornucopia of backgrounds.

As a nation built on immigration, we boast a population whose origins span all corners of the globe.

Unfortunately, our Republican counterparts have characterized their presidential primary with xenophobia, racial tension and perpetual fear. Each of these attributes represents the dark underbelly of bigotry that has no place in contemporary America.

The United States fulfills its potential as the world's greatest nation when it's a leader in promoting freedom. Our economy reaches pinnacle performance when we accept immigrants seeking a life of prosperity and offer them an opportunity of a better life and a piece of the American Dream.

Considering the Republicans' inability to see the irony of holding a nativist attitude in a country built by immigrants and inhabited by people with ancestry of foreign dissent, the Democratic Party is proud to unveil an updated immigration platform.

This policy seeks to incorporate bipartisanship to address to the pressing national concern of fixing a broken immigration system. It combines establishing a secure national boarder with a pathway to citizenship.

This plan is a multi-pronged approach to dealing with a complex situation. It includes multiple steps.

Step One:

Mitt Romney eloquently introduced a policy called "self-deportation" during his 2012 presidential campaign that was clearly too progressive for its time, and too bold for our newfound fragile cultural backbone caused by the PC social justice crusaders.

With this idea in mind, President Obama will introduce legislation via the dreaded, draconian Executive Order.

This slew of Presidential decrees include:

  • Replacing mandatory minimums with mandatory marijuana.
  • Increased funding for Planned Parenthood to finance projects which include: hiding birth control pills in Tic Tac packages replacing rubber gloves with condoms.
  • Government food stamps to be used exclusively at Whole Foods to buy cold pressed juices and gluten-free kale chips.
  • Government provided childcare, paid maternity leave and unemployment insurance.
  • Expanding Medicare to all, making health care fully socialized.
  • Universal voting registration for African-Americans.
  • A national prohibition on guns, as the Pentagon forces everyone to replace their rifles with Super Soakers.
  • Giving the IRS full authority to make all Americans memorize the tax code verbatim.
  • A national cap and trade tax on carbon emissions, forcing everyone to drive a Prius.
  • Federal law that mandates the building of at least one Mosque next door to every Christian Church. These places of "radical Islamic worship" will host incoming Syrian refugees.
  • Establishing "National Hug and Kiss a LGBT Person Day" as a national holiday.
  • Making the phrase "Merry Christmas" federally recognized hate speech.
  • Required gender-neutral bathrooms installed in every building, restaurant and even households that contains a toilet.
  • National education standards.
  • Declaring Hillary Clinton Lord Emperor of the U.S.

This radical liberal agenda will torment right-wing Christians to the brink of sanity; they will yearn for solace and develop an aching desire to immigrate to a better place that accepts their values.

Step Two:

Establish South Dakota as a safe haven for traditional American Christian life. Every hard-line right-wing American is free to move there to foster a community of outdated values.

Given the extremist conservative affinity for a romanticized America of the past, marked by white supremacy, intolerance and a rigid conformity to Evangelical moral purity, Mount Rushmore will serve as the U.S. version of the Holy Land - a true symbol of American exceptionalism.

Step Three:

It's rectangular border allows for a simple delineation - Donald Trump can swiftly build a monumental wall so grand (It's gonna be HUGEEE), it will ensure no Mexican will dare to cross, no matter how determined or industrious.

Step Four:

Republicans clearly hold state rights dear to their hearts; as they fence themselves in from the outside world, they will be free to create their Christian dystopia on the cornerstones of discrimination, dysfunctional government, guns and universal access to fast food and Duck Dynasty - free from the shackles of coercive government.

Step Five:

No-fly zones have become a cornerstone of Republican foreign policy in combating ISIS. South Dakota will be declared one, confirming no airplane is permitted to transport anyone in or out.

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The Democratic party officially endorses this platform, as it presents a win-win scenario for both sides entrenched in a political gridlock.

Conservative religious extremists can live in in harmony, basking in an enclosed world stuck in the 1800s without any federal interference, while the rest of the country moves forward into the 21st century, embracing diversity and socioeconomic progress for all.

Democrats are determined to bring bipartisanship and cooperation to Washington and we hope our Republican colleagues consider our proposal to meet them halfway on this hotly contested issue.

God bless America.

- Official Statement from the NOT Democratic National Committee