To quote to movie Some Like It Hot, "nobody's perfect." We all have quirks and flaws and idiosyncrasies. Being weird is normal.
The topic of perfectionism came up this week on The Sewers of Paris, my podcast about the entertainment that changed the lives of gay men. My guest, writer Zach Stafford, grew up feeling like an outsider because of his race and sexuality. The closest gay character Zach could identify with (Jack from Will & Grace) didn't quite match who he felt he was. And over time, Zach found himself aspiring to an unattainable model of perfection. That perfectionism, as he explains on this week's show, became destructive.
Fortunately, he eventually found works that resonated more closely. For example, take a look at The Big Sea, a memoir by Langston Hughes. The third chapter is entitled "Salvation," and it's the story of how, at the age of thirteen, Hughes was brought to church to be saved.
Hughes' aunt told him that there would be an inner light, and that he'd feel Jesus in his soul. And so he sat there in church, waiting for a religious experience, expecting salvation. But as the service goes on, that feeling just won't come. Everyone else rises up, the other kids sitting alongside him all claim to feel the spirit. But it never comes to Langston, and as the service drags on and the whole room begs him to come to Jesus, all he feels is doubt and shame.
Just about all of us feel pressure to be more than we are. And ambition is great, but that impulse can turn into destructive guilt when you fail to measure up. For many of us, that failure's self-fulfilling -- whether it's little gay boys wishing they were straight, or big gay men comparing each other at the gym.
Why do we create those impossible models of perfection? Often, we can't see a place for ourselves in the world as we are. Without models for what we can be, we create models we can't live up to, cobbled together from pressures placed on us by others.
That's why it's so important to find representation, to find people who share our differences, whether on screen or in a book or in real life. When you discover other people living lives that feel familiar, you can discard those unrealistic models of perfection, and choose new models that represent the person you want to become.
Thanks to Zach for joining me on this week's show. You can find him on Twitter @zachstafford, and at TheGuardian.com/us. His book, Boys, an Anthology, co-edited with Nico Lang, is available on Amazon.