The dick pic dealbreaker

Want to kill my lady boner? Send me an unsolicited dick pic.

I wish I didn’t have to write this blog. I really didn’t. But an epidemic is sweeping the nation and just like Robin Hood, stealing from the rich to give to the poor, I feel as though I need to take one for the team and once and for all dispel any notion that a neck down, pants down semi erect, fully erect or limp sausage of a dick pic is a turn on.

I don’t know how we got here. The truth is, many of these men have lovely members. But I have to be honest. No matter how lovely or award winning or one-of-a-kind as your penis is, I don’t want to see it via picture before I’ve even shared a beverage with you.

Here are some of the recent communications I’ve had.

Me: How’s your weekend.

Him: Great. But it would be better if you were here sitting on my face.

Me: Hm. Not exactly the response I had in mind.


And another…

Me: Ugh, it’s Monday.

Him: I bet I know something that will pick your Monday up.

Me: What’s that?


And on and on and on. I’m still trying to wrap my head around why my very innocuous questions elicit such strong desires to drop trou and whip it out.

It’s a mixed bag out there right now as to what people—in NYC especially—are looking for with dating. Easily half of the ‘online daters’ are looking for quick, easy sex. And that’s cool. I’ve had conversations where the topic of what we’re looking for arises and some guys are very honest and respectful about the fact that they’re looking for some lighthearted fun. At least when that happens, I know what I’m getting into, can say thanks but no thanks, and walk away unscathed. But it’s the secret pervs—the guys who talk the boyfriend talk but walk the hookup walk—that you really need to look out for.

So here’s my theory as to why so many guys send them.

If you’re in the market for sex and you don’t want to go the polite way of just being honest about what you’re looking for, your second option is to be more overt, dick pic style. Now, for every 9 women who say ‘WTF, mate’, maybe, one of them will be like ‘ooh baby I’m all about that—come on over.’ That’s not a terrible ROI and in fact, has a pretty low risk, low return quality about it. But, it does mean you’re likely to massively piss off 90% of the online datosphere in the process. But hey, if you’re sending dick pics in the first place, decency and proper behavior are probably not at the top of your list to begin with.

Bottom line, your junk isn’t going to turn me on or make me date you or, make me want to come over and sit on your face. And since I’m not your target audience, that probably doesn’t matter all that much to you anyway. But please, next time your finger is hovering on the send button with a saucy pic of your sausage cued ups, think twice before sending it off. Most of us would give it a hard pass, no pun intended.

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