Two questions we ask ourselves with little information on how to exactly answer are Does my life have meaning? and Am I happy? What do we need to be aware of when pondering these questions? According to David Brooks in “The Problem with Meaning” (The New York Times, January 5, 2015):
A meaningful life is more satisfying than a merely happy life. Happiness is about enjoying the present; meaning is about dedicating ourselves to the future. Happiness is about receiving; meaningfulness is about giving. The latter gives us a deeper sense of satisfaction; serving others gives us a feeling of significance, an uplifting state of consciousness.
We need both—a feeling of accomplishment, of doing what you really want to be doing, as well as a feeling of contentment, of being happy in our lives.
Socrates said know thyself. It is only after we know ourselves that we can truly be ourselves. What stops us from being our true selves? Why do we sometimes do something we don’t want to do? The answer is often fear. It is fear of displeasing people, of failing, fear of the unknown, of being found to be not good enough; generally it is really a fear of not being accepted or not being loved.
So in order to gain acceptance and/or love, we develop strategies. Some of us become helpers, meeting other people’s needs; some become experts, sought out for our knowledge; while still others become entertainers, the life of the party. For many there is a prevailing fear of insignificance. Behind the need for superiority is the fear of inferiority. We wear an invisible sign: “Please notice me; please like me.” I will be important if I know important people. The push for significance can induce some people to name drop, acquire titles, or show off with fancy clothes or eccentric behaviors. When children misbehave, it is often to gain attention; negative attention (punishment) is better than no attention.
What we need is to become conscious of our needs, and I don’t mean food, water, and shelter. I mean the need to be connected to others, to be part of a community, to be significant, to be loved, to have fun, to have a measure of control over our lives, to grow and learn. We also need the security of prediction, to be able to count on the outcomes of our behaviors—if I do this, then that will happen. However, even though we need routines, we also need variety and challenge.
What are your unmet needs? It is not what you wish for; it is what is missing in your life. This list can include traveling to places we’ve dreamed of or things we wish we owned, as well as books we could have written, people we should have helped, an education we did not get, what we could have done, but didn’t. What did not happen and should have? Are the gaps due to the unfairness of life, due to our own mistakes, to the opportunities we missed? Do we beat ourselves up because of it? What are we still pining for? What do we still need to do or be in order to feel that we have meaningful lives?
A meaningful life is not about material things; it is about spiritual needs; by this I mean feeling part of something larger than our individual selves. It can be belonging to a group or to a movement, working for a cause, or being part of a larger community for one’s own growth as well as for the benefit of others.
Our learning curve should include raising our consciousness to create awareness of issues, working through emotional resistances, denial, prejudice, and wishful thinking. Moving out of our comfort zones is a choice. In order to lead a fulfilling life, we need to keep learning, to keep growing, to become wiser, more tolerant, understanding, compassionate. As we become more of what we truly can be, we are also able to give more of ourselves, to contribute to the welfare of others, to share our gifts and make a difference in others’ lives.