The classic opening scene of “Girls” shows Lena Dunham's 24-year-old character totally stunned when her parents unexpectedly declare they're "cutting her off." That’s it, no more, you’re done. Ouch -- and usually not how that conversation goes in real life.
Although the cold-turkey approach might work in some scenarios, most parents find it’s not so simple to execute. Financially detaching can be extremely emotional for both parents and their kids. For Mom & Dad, it’s a final step in letting go, acknowledging that their child is no longer, well, a child. And for a 20-something, it’s scary! A major safety net is being totally eliminated.
There’s a big difference between supporting and enabling your adult children. Supporting means you’re helping them to make smart financial choices. It means helping them set up a budget, open a savings account, or maybe teaching them about investing in the stock market. In contrast, enabling means you’re just handing over cash for your kids to use at their discretion -- hindering them from becoming self-sufficient, fiscally responsible adults.
Instead of pulling a “Girls” moment -- which, by the way, did not make Dunham’s character suddenly become more responsible -- it’s usually better to sit down with your kid and set a timeline: “Here's how much longer we're willing to subsidize rent. Here's much much longer we'll pay for your cell phone.” Make it clear that these aren’t soft deadlines. This for real.
Allow me to emphasize that: It's really important that both parents are on the same page about these deadlines. It's not uncommon for one parent to lay down the law while the other quietly deposits money every so often "just because." Sound familiar?
If your adult children struggle to spend wisely, forcing them to reevaluate their habits is critical. My organization, the 1,000 Dreams Fund, has conducted research about millennials’ spending habits, particularly those of young women. A shocking 79% of female cardholders are in credit card debt, and 72% of young women overall don’t have a sufficient emergency fund. That’s huge. As you may know from experience, it’s really hard to climb out of accumulating credit card debt. And if you continue to fund daily expenses while your kid spends recklessly -- shopping, vacations bars, restaurants, and so on -- you’re increasing their long-term risks of falling deeper and deeper into debt.
On the other hand, maybe you have a child who makes a solid income and is great at budgeting. Awesome! So what’s the holdup? Well, like plenty of adults, many young people have a procrastination problem (and are willing to admit it.) They aren't lazy -- they just tend to wait longer than they probably should to handle tasks. Your adult children are, in all likelihood, completely able to take care of themselves; they're just putting it off as long as they're able to do so. Push that deadline closer, and most of the time, they will meet it.
Common responses from adult children during this time are along the lines of "But (high school friend)'s parents pay for his rent" or "What do you want me to do, just skip (sorority sister)'s wedding in Greece?" Don't allow yourself to be guilt-tripped. While you don't want your kid to be starving and living in a car, you shouldn't feel ashamed if he can't afford a luxury apartment or elaborate vacation. That's just part of adulthood.
Remember: Supporting and enabling are different. Don’t be an enabler! Be the parent who supports his or her children, propelling them toward their best, brightest financial future.