WOLF. You've had quite a contentious week, haven't you, what with Hillary's remark about your followers.
DONALD. Yeah, that tootsie had the nerve to call us all "deplorable bastards."
WOLF. Not quite as bad as that, but bad enough. What she actually called them was "a basket of deplorables."
DONALD. Same thing.
WOLF. She apologized, but only about saying it was half your followers.
DONALD. Sure, she wanted to call them all deplorable. That bimbo couldn't stand the fact they my followers were so loyal to me. If I shot someone in the street, they'd still love me.
WOLF. You really think so?
DONALD. Everybody loves me. I'm a shoo-in.
WOLF. You're suggesting that, now the campaign is moving towards its finish, things are going well?
DONALD. Just great. Providing Hillary doesn't die before November 11th.
WOLF. You think she won't make it to the election.
DONALD. Well, I wouldn't take bets she'll last considering her recent stuff.
WOLF. You mean the walking pneumonia?
DONALD. Oh, yeah, sure, pneumonia.
WOLF. What do you think it was?
DONALD. Well, you won't find out from her lying woman doctor, with that fake report he published.
WOLF. The report was fairly detailed. A brain concussion in 2012, blood clots, underactive thyroid, double vision.
DONALD. Yeah, the only thing she has double vision about is the truth. And I would bet someone might make her pay for that, too, once she drops that armed guard that follow her everywhere.
WOLF. You disapprove of any protection for her?
DONALD. Well, she disapproves of the Second Amendment, right?
WOLF. Some people are complaining that you're not releasing your full health records either, as well as any of your income tax reports. The first time in history that two Presidential candidates have been so secretive.
DONALD. Well, as everybody knows, my income tax is being audited, so I'm not allowed to make it public and...
WOLF. Not according to the...
DONALD. (Interrupting) And my good health is a matter of public record. Just look at me. (Flexing). My biceps. My big hands. Remember I'm a man, okay? She's the one with the problems.
WOLF. Men are healthier than women?
WOLF. Then why do women usually live longer?
DONALD. Because they beat up on their husbands so badly.
WOLF. But surely you sympathize with her condition?
DONALD. Listen. I want to beat her fair and square. Not because she's sick and dying.
WOLF. Well, as they used to say in racist circles, that's very "white" of you.
DONALD. I know. And let me make it very clear that my followers don't belong in any deplorable basket. They're white men, too.
WOLF. Thank you and (breath) Good night from Broken News.
How to vote
Vote-by-mail ballot request deadline: Varies by state
In-person early voting dates: Varies by state
General Election: Nov 3, 2020
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