The dingbats who write the newspaper horoscopes have once again ruined everything by publishing their nincompoop predictions for 2009. I ask you, dear Huffington Post readers, should old ladies who believe in astrology be allowed to forecast anything?
The ominously beautiful Dope Astrologers -- Jilly Gagnon, Adrianne Frost and Tiffany Michelle Long -- will not only set the record straight, but they will give you a whole year in advance. Here are their totally-made-up-predictions-which-will-probably-come-true for 2010:
*Mickey Rourke, continuing his remarkable comeback, will win the Super Bowl.
*It will be reported in The New England Journal of Medicine that raw cookie dough is three times richer in polyphenols than all fruits combined.
*Google will launch a new widget which will allow you to download your brain via the "Google Chip."
*Jennifer Connelly's eyebrows will return to their natural state, giving her yet another niche career in Hollywood.
*Speaking of Hollywood, it will be renamed WillSmith.
*"A big fat derrière" will top the GQ poll of what men look for in a lady.
*Instead of selling pictures of their newborns, celebrities will be paid $4.2 million to have web cams inserted directly into their birth canals.
*David Blaine will drink the Great Lakes.
*Laura Bush's autobiography, after being debunked on The Tyra Banks Show, will go on to become the best-selling pop-up book of all time.
*Angelina Jolie will break up the long romance between Oprah and Stedman, alas.
*Still suffering from the Bush economy, "poor" will be the new "rich;" "homeless" will be the new "poor;" and "dead" will be the new "homeless."
*Williamsburg will finally implode under the weight of so much irony.
*A sportive mink will open the Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute Gala wearing a bolero made of Anna Wintour.
*You will finally make it off the Prius waiting list.
*After the success of "The Gates" and "Waterfalls" Christo and Olafur Eliasson will collaborate on "The Waterfall Gates" causing a rash of drownings.
*Luckily you will be able to view your own colonoscopy in real time on your iPhone!
*In the most "important literary discovery of the century," letters found in an attic in Bath, England, will reveal Jane Austen enjoyed an impassioned affair with Charles Mackintosh, the inventor of the raincoat.
*The world's oldest living person will die. So will the next one. And the one after that, and the one after that, and the one after that . . .
As sparky feelings of hope fill my heart with the approaching inauguration I want each and every Huffington reader to enjoy his/her own personal Dope Astrologer. Download it to your blog or webpage by clicking Get Awesome Dope.