The Blog

The Empowerment of Love

I think we can all agree on the power of love as a force in the world. The word I believe applies to finding love is empower, visualizing and taking full personal responsibility for having the love you want.
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.

I think we can all agree on the power of love as a force in the world. The word I believe applies to finding love is empower, visualizing and taking full personal responsibility for having the love you want.

Here is a break down you can use as an action plan for drawing love into your life:

E is for elevate, elevating yourself in your own mind. The only caveat is that if anyone is too full of him or her self already, don't elevate. But most of us need our own encouraging self-talks and pats on the back. Your self-worth is your job and you cannot reasonably expect a date or mate to create and/or maintain it for you.

Another reason to elevate your own good opinion of you now is that you will marry at your own level of self-esteem. So if you don't think much of yourself, you'll be stuck with someone like you -- which is not so great because either you'll both be insecure and not a great help to each other or one of you will change and feel the other partner is a bit of a drag.

M is market your self: A good self-presentation is key to winning the love you want. You wouldn't go into a job interview and wing it to see if they liked the "real" you or not.

Be ready for a date with talking points that show you in a good light and will get their attention. If you are not a person of multiple topics or interests, develop some. Do some research about life around you and acquire projects and hobbies that would be worth sharing. Don't know anything about a prospective date? Google them -- know what you have in common before you meet them.

Be multifaceted in your marketing plan -- use every resource starting with friends, associates and neighbors. Ask to be set up with any eligible dates of their acquaintance and assure your supporters you will only be grateful for their efforts and good will. Whatever happens on a date is your responsibility not theirs.

Many of my clients ask if they should go online or try to meet in person. I always say both. Online or FaceTime on your phone isn't a substitute for real eye-to-eye face time. But counting only on the face time you can arrange isn't a good substitute for a dating site either. It's hard to predict which opportunity you take will be the winner, so take them all. Dating is a numbers game, and your dating site is where more numbers than you could every meet are located with the opportunity to pre-screen before you meet. Pointer: Pictures are essential and kindly get rid of all pictures of sunsets, landscapes, pets and children; also use one with friends only if it is great photo of you -- you are giving them a "picture" of you not your photography skills and not your support system.

P is for positioning: When I was teaching at Evening at Emory, CBS Early Show sent down a road crew to do a segment on my Get Married This Year class. They arranged to meet registered participants at a bar the evening before, to film them in action on their own. Then the crew filmed the class and followed students to the class/alum party to see the differences in behaviors. These were the obvious changes: After class, not a single person walked in in a herd. And if entering with someone, they parted at the door. Then they looked around, to determine whom they would approach and stayed on the move until they had met everyone. Idea was to imitate a host's role -- talk with the ones you wish but greet everyone. And not a single person left without stating intentions if there was someone they wanted to see again. In short, their actions from one night to the next went from aimless to purposeful.

Online positioning is similar: Be visible. This is why good pictures are so important and do make them consistent. It's just odd when your matches think your photographs are a multiple choice. And please be a quick responder. It is courteous and seems enthusiastic. It's OK for you to be assertive. The greatest mates are not necessarily the most outgoing ones.

O is for ownership: You are in charge. Don't dwell on what's wrong with the dates that didn't work. Focus how you can steer yourself clear of making the same mistakes twice. Being responsible for, and effective in, finding love means three times going out every week as well as checking in daily online. To find mates, you have to give them a chance to meet you. And the one place the love of your life will never come from is your living room ceiling. Also, if you are a slow responder to interesting matches, you are communicating a less than warm and enthusiastic desire to be with someone. If you would say you don't have time for this three times a week and daily check-in rule, then you don't have time to be in a committed relationship either.

W is for whine, which would be what not to do. Venting has its limits and one of them is spending more time complaining about dating than doing it. Cancel all memberships in the male or female bashing clubs and the "ain't it awful" clubs. Support groups aren't for reinforcing the negative -- no one needs that type of "support."

Have you heard there are no good men in Atlanta? What I've learned from my book tour is that there are no good men in NYC, Chicago, Portland, New Orleans, Chattanooga, Panama City, Boston... you get the picture and there are no good men in London either. Where are they? It doesn't matter because all you need is one. And the same applies to women -- the male lament is they all want someone wealthy but surely there is at least one left with her eyes on the bigger picture.

E is for eliminate what drags down your upbeat, winning attitude. Hasn't everyone had the experience of being in a really good mood, then you see the name of the voice of doom on your phone and what do you do but press answer. Bad idea. If you intend to find love this year then you are in training and don't need a lot or any sure-fire joy killers. You don't have to divorce every difficult person in your life but please slow down your frequency of contact.

Declutter emotionally. Put on the shelf for a year the ones who don't believe you can find love and are de-spiriting. Spend less time with people who hurt you. I guarantee you a rise in spirits. And if you don't have a support group, then rustle one up. They will be the ones to cheer you on when you have doubts or are guilty of love block No. 1: wasting time on ineligibles.

Finally, R is relate: Don't just have a dating act, a game face. Bring the real you to the table or party or email exchanges. In fact, be on your best behavior when you're dating, especially in the early stages. But make sure it's really your genuine best and that you're not trying to emulate something or someone you think your date will like better.

Genuineness works better now and in your relationship in the future. No one can feel loved if they aren't understood and no one is understood if they can't self reveal. But caution: don't spill all - share the best of you. Don't scare off potential spouses with your problems. That would be an excellent way to remain single. Wait until a date is very taken with you or preferably eating out of your hand prior to revealing your very real or perceived flaws.

Remember: It's a numbers game. If one date doesn't work out, at least you have a little more practice under your belt. Even better, you're one date closer to finding love!

Feeling confident before you even start is a giant step toward low stress dating and relating. I've seen over and over that perseverance and positivism are the most important traits in drawing love into your life.

Putting these seven steps into play is both easier on you and a great basis for a winning attitude. And attitude really is everything.