Here's how easy it is to lose a friend these days.
It was Tuesday, October 7 of last year, when I passed a bar on my corner that reminds me of my friend Stacy London. We never drank there together, but she did get smashed there with a mutual friend, which proves that we really were buddies because we had a third one in common, see? So I text her: "Miss you, pal."
No reply.
I call her the following week. Straight to automated voicemail. Another week, another call. Voicemail again.
And so the jihad begins.
Monday, November 17: "I love you, woman. Where u been??"
Tuesday, November 18: "Ok seriously -- are u dumping me?" (No phone call follow-up from me on this one because now I'm getting pissed.)
Friday, November 21: "As luck has it, guess who just got pitched for my show? You. So what's the deal, am I dumped, are u coming on Talk Stoop, should I tell the booker that you're not coming because I'm dumped?!"
Monday, December 1: "Ummm... hello? I hear you're coming on my show on the 16th."
Thursday. December 11: "London... here's my last text attempt. What's up, sister?"
Exactly. "My last text attempt." Why didn't I just stop by her house a few blocks away? Why didn't I keep calling? Why did I ask our mutual pal how Stacy was doing instead of, oh I don't know... emailing her?
Because it never occurred to me. Not once. I was text dumped, I was hurt, and who even emails anymore? Might as well just stuff a message in a bottle, throw it in the ocean and hope for the best.
So you can imagine my surprise when Stacy showed up at my holiday party in late December (I forgot to delete her from my invite list, even though I was a woman e-scorned). She threw her arms around me, all smiley and kissey and genuinely happy to see me. Now imagine her surprise when she was met with a hearty double middle finger salute, and the charming Yule Tide greeting, "Hey, fuck you."
Stacy: "Fuck you back."
She proceeds to flip me the double bird, then, with middle fingers still in the air, asks "Wait...why so aggressive?"
Cat: "Where the hell have you been? I called, I texted..."
Stacy: "I lost my phone!"
Cat: "No you didn't!"
Yes, she did. No, it wasn't backed up, and people all over town were telling her to fuck off. Poor thing. But what an important lesson:
A) Always back up your contacts like they taught us in Sex in the City.
B) Use every method possible to find a missing person, especially when it's as easy as email.
C) If you're actually trying to dump a friend, come up with a better line than "I lost my phone!" because the dumpee will most likely be smarter than I am, and they will track you down. Now Stacy is stuck with me for life. Poor thing.