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The Essential Russell Stover's Valentine's Day Cheat Sheet

We can save you the heartache and pain of biting into random chocolates you don't like, thanks to our heart-shaped chocolate cheat sheet.
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It's that time of year again, friends. When you forget to get your girlfriend a Valentine's Day present and, in a panic, rush into your local pharmacy, and buy mint satin floss, the most expensive women's body spray you can find, and, of course, a box of heart-shaped chocolates. And though we can't save you from purchasing that Hawt Chik Candy Apple Spritz, we can save you the heartache and pain of biting into random chocolates you don't like, thanks to our heart-shaped chocolate cheat sheet.

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First, some things you need to know: 1) I purchased two of the standard 6.25oz heart boxes of 12 chocolates, to make sure they weren't mixing things up, and for health. 2) Said box does NOT contain a guide to what's what. 3) Even if you search around online, RS does NOT make it easy to figure out, and even provides a hint-oriented FAQ page that only alludes to "indicators" of what chocolates usually are, like "Rectangular candies are typically filled with nougat". It's like I'm Nic Cage in the chocolate company version of National Treasure.

Starting at the bottom and following along with this handy chocolate key, here are the 12 chocolates in the box (I think), my totally helpful tasting notes, and whether you should eat them.

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1) Milk Chocolate Vanilla/Coffee Buttercream?

Of all the chocolates in this box, I have the least confidence in my call for this one. Chocolates with soft centers, like truffles and "whips", are supposed to be round, and yet here this thing sits, round as Charlie Brown's dome, and not really matching up with the taste of a "whip" or a truffle. It definitely has some sort of buttercream inside, but now I'm kind of tasting hints of coffee... and, well, man, this has already turned embarrassing. WHAT SORT OF DEVIL'S SUBTERFUGE ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL HERE, HERR STOVER!?!?

Worth Eating? Yes. Quite possibly for the simple fact that I really need someone to get this thing and tell me what it is, exactly.

2/9) Milk Chocolate Toffee Sticks

Also known as "rich man Butterfingers", the toffee sticks hold two positions in Nirvana's favorite shape of box, and are the easiest thing to recognize in the Stover's arsenal, which is relieving, considering their next to that first one.

Worth Eating? Yes. No one is too good for fancified mini-Butterfingers.

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