Recently, I was approached by a fellow new "mommy" friend who asked, "Did you think the first couple weeks of motherhood were rough? I expected cute clothes and sweet memories but wow I have cried and still do."
So, the truth? The first few weeks were hard and some days down right sucked. There I said it.
I cried, I got frustrated, I cried, I questioned what the heck I was doing, I questioned if I was even ready to be a Mom, I was tired, I cried, I wanted to scream every time I saw my Husband, I cried, I was exhausted, oh, did I mention I cried? More than anything I got mad at myself for not living the ideas and dreams I had of "motherhood." I felt like a failure. I allowed my visions of what I thought motherhood was define the mother I was in that moment. Unfortunately, if it was one of the moments listed above, well, I beat myself up.
The first few weeks of motherhood, while they were very sweet, were also such a transformation. Every single aspect of the person I was moments before my baby entered the world seemed gone. I acted differently, I cared differently and I thought differently. I was forever changed.
I remember the sudden reality that set in when my husband returned to work. Before that it was such a fun and happy little vacation as we sat in bliss most days and nights smiling at each other and her. We relied upon each other, and probably more than most, since my daughter was born in December and the very cold weather and season of colds and sickness left us together in our home with no visitors. I went stir crazy for sure, but together we were a family.
Once, my husband went back to his routine I felt alone, and many days watched the clock and checked in often, "Can you come early? Come you come home for lunch?" Some days I envied him and got so mad as I felt my life was the only one that truly transformed.
Other days I woke up and stared at my beautiful baby and thought, "Here we go again." The enormous stress of being a mom paralyzed me and I felt trapped in our own home. But, then two seconds later when she would fall asleep in my arms, I refused to put her down but instead starred at her and cried at the thought of returning to work.
Nights were the worse. I remember anxiety would ridden me as the sun began to set. We would begin our routine and then I would feel this overwhelming sense of fear as I wished for the sun to rise again. "Sleep when she sleeps!" people would say. Um, yeah. Instead, I just stared at her or awoke at her breathing for fear she was in danger as I slept.
Although, the joy I had for her was so immense. Because of this I went through an overwhelming ride of emotions. I felt that I was missing out on things now that I was a "mom," and I would become so emotional over the thought of how different life had become. But, then because I loved her with every ounce of my being and could not get enough of her nor this new role, the pain from guilt for feeling sorry for myself would hurt worse than anything else. It was a constant battle with myself, not my baby.
And, that was what I ultimately learned. It was 100 percent me going through these emotions and thoughts in my head. I placed being a "mom" on a huge pedestal and felt insecure about my new role and yet overwhelmed at the same time at the title.
I really thank my fellow mommy friend for being vulnerable enough to ask the initial question regarding those early weeks. Answering her question was such a relief to me. By connecting with her, I confirmed my only reality and immediately felt relieved.
So, hang in there fellow mommies and daddies. I was in your shoes at one point too. Yes, these are exhausting times. Yes, your baby won't cooperate and you will feel like a failure. Yes, you will look at your spouse and feel frustrated and yes, you will feel so overwhelmed. But, at the same time, yes, you are doing great. Yes, your baby is amazing. Yes, these are times in your life that you will forever look back on and wish you could take back.
And, yes those baby clothes are cute and yes, it is okay to cry at the thought of having to dress your baby in such clothes because you are so tired and overwhelmed that you are okay with just a day of lazy PJ's for you both!
This post originally appeared on backwardsnhighheels.com.