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Halloween Costumes That Prove the Food-Sex Connection Has Gone Too Far

Has the man who designed this costume never seen female genitalia? Lady parts don't look like French fries. They're not supposed to be juxtaposed with French fries. They're not supposed to ever, ever make anyone think, "French fries." Ever.
10/28/2014 01:04pm ET | Updated December 6, 2017
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Photos courtsey of Yandy.com

I have been watching the over-sexualization of food with curious interest for several years now. My first hint of it was when Seinfeld character George Costanza's ultimate goal was to eat a pastrami sandwich and have intercourse contemporaneously.

Then the Food Network introduced food filmography so crisp and tantalizing that even when the cameras zoom in on Giada de Laurentiis' breasts, viewers lean to the side to get a better look at the ravioli next to her.

Yes, food is sensual. Sex sells food. Food sells sex. But we're taking it too far. We're Instagramming pictures of our lunches like we're mainlining porn. In a recent Cosmopolitan issue, a woman asked for advice on the best way to stack donuts on her "guy's" penis. Incredibly, no one advised this woman, "Girl, you're not horny, you're freakin' hungry. Get the donuts off his dingdong and grab a sandwich."

It used to be that food was intimated to enhance the sexual experience. Now, it seems that sex is enhancing the food experience.

Let's face it: It's okay to see Mickey Rourke feeding Kim Basinger noodles in 9 1/2 Weeks -- but we don't want to see him dice some mushrooms, mix in some chicken soup and make a noodle casserole on her lap and bake it at 350 for 45 minutes. Or do we? If these Halloween costumes are any clue, people would rather cuddle up with a peppercorn brisket than a naked human. Are we a nation so obsessed with food that dressing women like this is a good idea? For people who are too lazy to be obsessed with sexy women AND food, there's a happy solution that obviates the need to choose: women dressed like sexy food.

SEXY PIZZA:

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What the heck is the inferential leap between pizza and sex? Except for the old adage that even when they're bad they're kinda good? Except that the triangle points to her crotch? This is the dream costume for the hungover frat boy who doesn't know whether to summon up enough energy to eat or hook up with his girlfriend before doing some Jaeger shots.

SEXY FRENCH FRIES:

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Look. Look at this costume. She has "hot fries" stamped on her vajay-jay. Has the man who designed this never seen female genitalia? Did he see one once, and it had been in a bizarre thresher accident? Lady parts don't look like French fries. They're not supposed to be juxtaposed with French fries. They're not supposed to ever, ever make anyone think, "French fries." Ever.

SEXY HAMBURGER:

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We just had French fries. Now a burger. This is a costume for someone who's too lazy to get up and just wants a drive-thru Happy Meal.

SEXY RONALD McDONALD:

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I stand corrected. This is a costume is for someone who just wants a Happy Meal. And apparently wants a woman dressed as a man dressed as a clown who sells said Happy Meal.

And for the hyper-aroused vegan in all of us, may I present...

SEXY CARROT:

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Because it's clearly the hottest of all the root vegetables.

Finally, for people who don't care about food, sex or much of anything anymore, and just want to fall asleep in underwear while watching ShamWow infomercials, we have...

SEXY BOOZE:

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Yes. Yes. That dress does say "Drink Up: Triple Pissed." And they've added a Jackie Kennedy pillbox hat to the costume -- because every spandex liquor bottle dress should have a touch of class.

Who ever thought I'd miss the good old days of women using Halloween as a time to dress like slutty nurses, slutty cops and slutty Joe Bidens?

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