The Secret of Change Is to Focus All of Your Energy, Not on Fighting the Old, but on Building the New - Socrates
The same can be said for divorce.
In fact, it is my belief that releasing the old story or hurt or pain is the most vital and self-loving thing you can do. Otherwise, it becomes that much harder to build that new future and marry your truth.
All of the coulda, shoulda and woulda things you say mean nothing, unless you make them a must have, do or be in your life. The former keeps you in survival mode while the latter gets you stepping into thrive-ability. Thrive means to prosper; be fortunate or successful. Develop vigorously; flourish, or as I like to say; to progress or grow.
The difference between change and progress is simple. Growth is not just a goal -- it is a battle cry! And if you are post-divorce, starting over, it can be difficult to feel ready to get up and chart a new path.
Lasting change occurs and stays when you expand your identity and do not simply see it as a singular event. While it certainly can be scary, change is a process and the catalyst for bigger things to come.
I believe that you are a powerful woman and that it is never too late to start over -- even after a divorce. Creating a post-divorce life that gets you thriving is a possibility. Believe in your own possibility. You have to set the intention to do just that.
Is this an easy transition? Of course not, but that doesn't mean you are not capable of shifting from surviving to thriving. With great change post-divorce, comes a whole new daily routine or rituals, or well, everything. Forming new habits and mindset about how things are (not worse than they are) will move you closer, more quickly to accepting "the new norm."
Take care of you first and start letting things go that does not serve you or your purpose. Forgive, release -- rinse and repeat. Believe that you are not your past and perhaps the "mistakes" you've made. You are human. Begin reducing overwhelm and seeking support. Please do not go it alone.
Post-divorce is often a time of massive question marks on your next steps as well. Now is the time to turn all of those shoulds into musts! I know that it can take time to figure out what those musts are, but do not dwell for too long in the comfort of pain and looking back.
So instead of diving into a serial dating spree (been there) or binge watching Netflix (guilty too) or spending many a night with a bottle of wine for comfort (ugh...tri-fecta), just focus on you for a bit. It took me almost two years to learn that lesson, by the way.
Instead spend some time journaling or writing out those goals to get crystal clear about what you really want and need. Journaling is powerful. It is a way to purge the good, bad and ugly. The beauty is that you don't have to do anything just yet -- only write and release your thoughts.
The Four Truths:
- Going through divorce means facing facts even if we don't want to -- an identity crisis is totally normal.
- Not Everything is going Wrong -- Divorce can be overwhelming, but now is a time of laser focusing on what is going right in your life and how that can be the hope and catalyst for a brighter future.
- The Real Truth -- you are not a failure. It is okay to forgive yourself and still be a little sad.
- Reality + forgiveness are the building blocks for seeing your post-divorce world as it is and not something bigger than yourself.
You get to choose how you face it. I say face it with excitement and divorce the old story. Marry a whole new truth. Get clear on what your future looks and feels like. Stop asking what could go wrong, because well, a lot of things could go wrong.
And a lot of things can go right.
Lisa Schmidt is a Post-Divorce Coach for Women in Detroit and the creator of Ex-Wife to New Life. Questions can also be sent to her directly Ask Lisa Here Or, pick up a copy of her free eBook "Divorce Your Story. Marry Your Truth - Navigating Your Post-Divorce World" HERE