Something happened to me last year – something monumental. No, nothing that would even equate to a fraction of suffering that this world can hold but something that made me grow and break free of the chain that held me back.
I quit my job – strictly from an ego stance. I took a new job – that same ego boost. I hated that new job and it was quite torturous. It was the worst 6 months of my career. Suddenly the things that I made so important weren’t anymore. I was angry in my previous role as I didn’t get RECOGNIZED. I wasn’t given a promotion in the time I felt that it was due. I left that job out of spite; “I will show you” “I am better than you think” but above all, the Renate go-to move for this entire lifetime; “I don’t need you.”
That last line resonated with me – not at that moment but today, almost exactly 1 year later that I left that first job for the ego job. I can now see that broken Renate ruled my entire existence, my path, my past, my present, my future…I was stuck in “I don’t need you.” I want to use my childhood as my excuse, my dysfunctional family and upbringing (whom I love to bits) – sadly it’s the truth. I left at 15, I had to be tough, I could never let anyone see I was scared – there were huge repercussions to being scared or vulnerable at that time – today, 33 years later, something must give – the story I told myself is no longer valid.
My experience of last year took my ego and shattered it to a million pieces. I had to see me in all my vulnerability. I am just like everyone else (albeit my walls may be higher and my façade a bit rosier) – inside I get scared, I feel lonely, I want to be loved and respected but above all I crave security)
I was given a second chance at my previous place of work, I had to take a demotion in title – I didn’t care. I spent all my life trying to prove I was successful, that I was good enough and smart enough…2016 kicked me down far enough that I finally shattered that ego. I just stopped caring about THE NEXT STEP. That is the issue. I never sat in my presence, I always marched to the next thing. Whether it was going out with friends (I watched the time to leave), spending time with family (where am I going next), getting a new job (within a month I was looking to the next level) …. I never ever sat in presence of self. I never just was. I never stopped to embrace the experience, the learning, the conditions, and potential friendships…I just kept running.
Today, I have stopped. I stopped rushing to the next thing…I ran towards everything. I never let things find me – and I believe that is necessary at certain junctures of your life…you should not wait for the world to arrive to you – you must make things happen BUT you must embrace and sit in the moments that life gives you.
There are valuable lessons in each moment, it matters, it really does. You hear people say, “what’s the point of it all, why bother trying to be a better person we are only going to die anyway” – I will give you the biggest reasons why; yes, we will all die but in the meantime, you must live with you and your choices for that first 1-5 minutes that you wake up every single day. You must face yourself, you will think about your choices and your words of the previous day – you may bury it later in a wall of defiance, or maybe alcohol or drugs, or shopping, but, it will rise to meet you daily and will make you sick with poison from deep within – you can never escape the prison of your mind. My only advice is to treat yourself well, be kind to you and that will resonate externally. You will wake up happy with who you are, how you affect this world but more importantly you will love yourself and will have cause for smiling and carrying on in this life.
Today, I am right where the universe wants me to be. Things are flowing to me effortlessly with just a bit of forward flow from me…. minus any attachment to outcome. I have a vision, I know what I want, I see it but I don’t force it anymore. I wake up each morning and embrace my life, who I am, my friends, my family, my job, the people that challenge me (those are the ones that are giving me my gifts) and know that I am exactly in the right place for today.
Will I always be driven? Yes. Will I ever stop trying to climb to the next level? No. the difference today is my ego isn’t the master of my destination….my belief in myself, my hard work, compassion, and drive will get me exactly where I am meant to be – in the time that it is meant to happen.
I thank the universe for kicking my butt but I thank myself for being aware enough to see the lessons within the pain.
Let go and let it flow!