Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Struggle through childbirth and the early years so you can reap the reward of a small person you gave life to telling you they hate you.— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) June 4, 2017
I'm writing a pre-parenting book called, "You Think You Know What It's Going To Be Like But You Have No Freaking Idea."— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) June 2, 2017
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 7, 2017
"YOU KNOW I HATE WHITE CHEESE!!!!" screams my son, who for the last year of his life would literally only eat white cheese.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) June 6, 2017
My daughter gets so pumped watching Disney films. She loves that they all have singing, dancing and a part when the parents die.— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 4, 2017
What, you mean all parents don't refer to putting their kids to bed as "putting them away?"— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 6, 2017
The community pool is now open for business and the first person to tell my kids gets a punch straight to the throat.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) June 7, 2017
I forgot the diaper bag so I’m at the doctor’s office with diapers hanging out of my pockets and I think the moms in the lobby are impressed— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 7, 2017
The main thing I’ve learned from giving my kids chores is that you can do a crappy job at literally anything if you put your mind to it.— Unremarkable Files (@ThatEvansLady) June 6, 2017
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I've ever said as a dad or a human.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 6, 2017
At this point, I'm more shocked when my kids DON'T need to suddenly poop in the middle of any meal.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 5, 2017
Boy, I sound like a real asshole when my kids impersonate me.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) June 7, 2017
Parent: Are you hungry?— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) June 7, 2017
[5 seconds later]
Parent: Want a snack?
Me: *Friday night* I'm so glad it's the weekend. Maybe I can finally get some rest.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) June 3, 2017
2yo: *Saturday at 6am* *screeches like a velociraptor*
I don't have much empathy for you. I had to suffer through my kids watching Wonder Pets.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) June 9, 2017
When your son pours himself a cup of milk from the gallon jug, and your life flashes before your eyes.— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) June 3, 2017
Parenthood is...— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) June 7, 2017
Spending 5 minutes just sitting in the car while your kids argue over who is going to walk back and close the front door.
My 3-year-old just announced she was gonna be a rainbow and then disappeared with 15 bottles of nail polish.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) June 6, 2017
This isn't going to end well.
The worst part of parenting is having to tell someone it was a great throw when really it was an awful throw.— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) June 6, 2017
I can't! It doesn't work! HELP MEEEE! *sobs* PLEEAAASSSEEE! It's broken! IT'S BROKENNNN! [runs from room]— Close to Classy (@closetoclassy) June 8, 2017
-my 3yo trying to eat a Pop-tart
What's the opposite of getting knocked-out? I’m looking for a word to describe being awakened from a deep sleep by a toddler kick to my face— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 3, 2017
All three of my children have strep. In lieu of flowers please send coffee and wine to: hasn't slept or showered in two days, Maryland.— Stephanie Rodham (@StephDsays) June 7, 2017
Signing your kid up for weekend soccer is a great way to spend a beautiful Saturday resenting others enjoying a beautiful Saturday at home.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) June 3, 2017
Ugh it's so hot!— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) June 7, 2017
*gets hit by two drops of pool water*
SPLASH ME AGAIN AND I'LL DONATE ALL YOUR TOYS.
8: Wanna see a magic trick?— Professor Mehriarty (@TheAlexNevil) June 8, 2017
*I check my schedule to make sure I'm free for next three hours
My kids started calling their Netflix profile "the brother we've always wanted" if you're wondering how screen management is going here.— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) June 9, 2017
Seriously considering lining my kids' bathroom with puppy pads.— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) June 8, 2017