The Get Rich Bubble Bath

Times are tight, even at the Manor. Last week we had to sell our second pool, and Alistaire's best gay Dirk wouldn't stop crying, it was totally embarrassing. I decided I couldn't bear to see the lil guy like that. I needed to get out there and earn some money the good old-fashioned way: by taking an herbal bath that makes you rich using magic.

The Botánica Yemaya is located on Federal Boulevard in Denver, right around the strip malls, before you get to the Mexican grocery that exploits Spanish-speakers by charging too much, and before what we call The Hill of Despair, near I-70, where flowered crosses hang every ten feet, confused ladies shuffle around in muumuus, and odd "couples" walk from one place to the next holding hands uncomfortably.

I've had a fascination with Mexican folk medicine ever since I learned about curanderas in college. A botánica is a store that sells herbs, incense, amulets, candles, folk medicine, Catholic statuaries, and magical shit. It's awesome! These spiritual items can be associated with Roman Catholicism and other practices like candomblé, curanderismo, espiritismo, macumba and santería, says Wiki. They can also have your everyday drugstore/beauty products.

Botánica Yemaya is filled with candles that you burn for very specific reasons -- for example, "burn this candle when you want to get someone out of jail" -- or more vague crappy reasons like inner peace. A really nice girl browsing the candles told me that the more expensive candles are the ones with foil covering them, because the blessings are sealed in, and no one can mess with them. I bought several of them as Christmas presents -- the budget ones, I'm in need of money, see? -- and they were a total hit, because you can personalize (this person needs a job? Get them a 'Trabajo' candle).

Then there is the entire wall of grim reaper statues (pictured above). I was going to ask someone what the meaning of those were, but instead I had unending nightmares for the rest of my life.

And then they have herbs that do stuff -- love potions, morbid ones with skulls and crossbones on them, and lucky for me, they have a baño de dinero, a Money Drawing Aromatic Bush Bath! The package reads exactly, and I quote:

Clear the way with malanque. Does bad luck beset you? Is business down everything goes wrong. Man! What's happening? Bring forth a solution to all these problems with malanque. These marvelous and magnetic plants will aid you and with your faith you will be saved.

Purification bath recommended

The only thing that scared the shit out of me was the casually tossed-off "purification bath recommended" at the end. What, should I take a bath after this bath? What should I purify? Am I going to get herpes?

Then I found the directions, which had me boil the herbs in two quarts of water (ahhh, purification bath), then strain the liquid into a half tub of water. Then stay in the tub about seven minutes.

I don't know what I was expecting, but it smelled like a pretty nice bath -- old lady scent, I would say, but nothing scary. I wondered if it would ruin my cash money luck if I were to shave my legs in the money bath? I stayed safe and did my seven minutes' time, with my mind on my money and money on my mind.

And then the funniest thing happened. I immediately won the lottery!!! Or, not. Nothing like that happened.

What really happened is I tricked myself into being more focused on money. After five years of doing this blog thing basically for free, I thought, hey, maybe I'll install a PayPal button, just for people who want to donate a dollar or two every now and then. How novel!  It sounds dumb, but never once had this crossed my mind. I started talking to ad agencies, which I had never done before. The get-rich bath didn't magically make money come to me, but it kind of just talked me into going after the money. So I'm not rich, yet, but I am at least paving the way for money to come to me, and I'm estimating it will take one or two weeks TOPS.

So there you go. The key to most spiritual practices, in my opinion, is being convincing enough to trick yourself into believing them.